Thread by @QuinnyPig

This is a big move that Alphabet (motto: "Google's parent company!") should rightly be lauded for. It's a demonstration of transparency that they've previously avoided.

It's earnings day, so this will likely become a thread as soon as I read their release.

https://twitter.com/iamstan/status/1224444185647796228

I want to see Google commit to Cloud; it's one of their few large revenue drivers that isn't abjectly horrifying from a safety (self-driving cars and drones), privacy (basically everything else they sell), or society (everything except cloud) perspective.

What the...

Can someone who's good at accounting or lying tell me what the f*ck this chart is saying?

"Alphabet's non-Google revenue was $163 million, or 0.3% of all quarterly revenue" is what I take away.

Okay, now listening to the webcast.

It starts off with the most on-brand thing possible for Google: a bunch of ads for their various products.

"This is my first call as CEO of Alphabet and Google. Thanks to Sergey and Larry" for getting the hell out his way.

"Search is driving a crapton of revenue, which should scare the hell out of anyone paying attention. YouTube mostly reached $19 billion from showing ads nobody wants to see."

"GCP's growth rate was meaningfully higher than Cloud overall." It's unclear whether he means @GCPcloud, or the broader Cloud industry. If the former, that's a lot of stuff shoved under the "Cloud" umbrella.

Talks about data being more secure in the cloud than it is on premises, which is accurate unless you mean "secure from Google reading it," in which case the jury is very much still out.

"Our thesis has always been to apply deep computer science principles across the entire org." Well yes; if you'd said "talking to customers" you'd have been laughed off the call.

Talking about Waymo's driverless cars. Given that a growing percentage of the population doesn't trust Google with their data, what makes them think that we'll all trust Google with our lives?

He's reading from a script rather than diving directly into analyst QA. I think I like the "you'll do the reading before the call" approach we saw from Amazon last week. I can read all of this from the press release or the SEC filing.

"We're pleased with the momentum we're seeing in Cloud. Doubled YoY the number of deals over $50 million." Cites Wayfair. 100% uptime on their platform over Black Friday + Cyber Monday.

USPS chose Google Cloud AI, but uh... I have separate thoughts on that.

"Over $80 billion worldwide earned by developers from Google Play." Yes, but how many of those were outright scams or money laundering? This stuff is hard.

"We're very excited about our acquisition of @fitbit, and look forward to deprecat--er, forget that. That's my notes for the next earnings call."

Not to start a war but not a word yet has been breathed about Stadia. /cc @killedbygoogle

And skipping to the Q&A. Goldman Sachs thanks them for the disclosure. "This is the best call you've ever done" as a result.

"For GCP, how does the gross margin look like for the business? Is it equivalent to your competition?"

In other words "Are you buying customers by giving it away at a loss?"

"The competitive dynamics are different today; we're investing aggressively given the opportunity before us."

Translation: "Oh you bet your ASS we're hurling free services at any prospect that holds still long enough!"

JP Morgan's question: "Talk more about @GCPcloud: What differentiates your offering?"

@sundarpichai: "We've focused on six verticals across 21 markets, added compliance certifications, tripling our salesforce in three years."

"Our customers want a partner. It's not just about technology, it's about Google across the board." Yes, because Google's excellent interpersonal skills are legendary.

"Was there anything odd in North America? Facebook cited that; does that apply to you too?"

Ruth Porat, Alphabet CFO: "Hardware is down across the board" because we keep discontinuing shit like our lives depend upon it.

Honestly who trusts a Google hardware device?!

"How strong have the new @gcpcloud deals been over the past few months, and how profitable have they been?"

@sundarpichai: "Well a lot of these deals stretch beyond just Cloud. Also I'm staring at your personal search history, so consider your next question carefully."

"Looking at healthcare, self-driving, etc. what are you doing to offset the risk profile?"

@sundarpichai: "Alphabet gives us increased independence. Also, Google Purchase tells me you bought a new belt last week; I bought another senator."

"I want to double-click on something you said a minute ago--"

@sundarpichai: "FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WE'RE A WEBSITE! You don't have to double-click a goddamned thing! Single clicks are FINE, you investment banking douchecanoe!"

"What percentage of advertisers buy search only, or search and YouTube only?"

$GOOG: "Oh, we shove GCP mandatory minimum buys into every ad deal we do now--crap am I not on mute?!"

Final question from Baird:

"Was BigQuery or anything else a bit driver behind @gcpcloud acceleration?"

@sundarpichai: "AND WE'RE DEPRECATING THIS CALL, GOODBYE!"