Greetings! Social distancing got you down? Fear not, for we have another episode of Cooking for Ordinary Assholes, and this one is a meal that is specially designed to help you meet the challenges of feeding your suddenly always-at-home family in the middle of the apocalypse. 1/
So if you're an ordinary asshole facing a situation that is anything like mine, you have some problems when it comes to feeding yourself right now. 2/
1) Your grocery store is entirely out of canned goods because all the other ordinary assholes heard "zombie apocalypse" instead of "respiratory pandemic," but the fresh produce you don't know what to do with is well stocked, and 3/
2) you have a legal and moral obligation to feed people, including yourself, but you lack the gumption to spend all day every day in your kitchen cooking and doing dishes because there's lots of panic news to consume. So we're gonna solve both! 4/
We are gonna make a giant ass pot of chili using only ingredients that your grocery store (probably) still has in stock. This will feed a family of 5 people for like 3 solid days and unlike your trash chili, will actually taste good in the process! 5/
Uh, unfortunately, this installment won't have pictures because my suddenly ADHD-addled brain went ahead and cooked this last night and didn't even think about you sorry homebound losers in the process. My bad on that one. So use your imagination on the visuals. 6/
So you're gonna need some things. Three pounds of ground beef - preferably the good old ground 80/20 chuck. Everyone is getting fat this month so don't sweat it. Then one pound of italian sausage. If you can find uncased hot, that's preferred, but if not, improvise. 7/
Next, get yourself a pound and a half of dried beans. Ideally half a pound of red kidney, half a pound of some white bean, and half a pound of black. But if your store is running out of one variety or another, just make sure you get a pound and a half of some kinda bean. 8/
Next if you are one of the five people in America lucky enough to have diced tomatoes in stock, get a 14.5 oz can of those. If not, get six of the fresh kind from produce. Dicing tomatoes is more of a pain in the ass than it's worth but you probably don't have a choice here. 9/
You also are gonna want one red bell pepper, one yellow bell pepper, a serrano if you can find one (a jalapeno or something if not), a red onion, and a can of tomato paste. 10/
People who are not getting their food advice from strangers on the internet can make their own tomato paste, but you are not one of those people. So if your store is out, just omit the tomato paste from this recipe and be a little sad. Comfort yourself with a shot of bourbon. 11/
You also want some spices. Some garlic powder, some parsley flakes, some chili powder, and some cinnamon and cocoa powder (shut up and trust me, this is gonna be lit). 12/
You're also gonna need to make sure to get yourself some Fritos - or, if the bastards in your town have yoinked all the Fritos, some tostitos scoops or something. Some kinda corn chip that is curved. THIS IS NOT OPTIONAL. 13/
Texans aren't right about everything, but they are right about chili, and it requires some sort of salted, fried corn tortilla at the bottom to really raise it to the next notch. What is optional is some shredded cheddar cheese and some sour cream. 14/
Got all that? Alright, let's get to work. If you like, you can soak your beans overnight. Contrary to what most people think, it isn't strictly necessary. But it never hurt anything. What you DO need to do is boil them in a pot for, oh, about an hour. 15/
This won't be enough to cook them completely but that is fine because we're gonna let em finish cooking while the chili simmers. If you happen to have some fresh garlic or bay leaves or whatever hanging around, throw em in the pot while the beans boil. Drain and rinse 'em. 16/
Set the beans aside and let's take care of the pain in the ass dicing of tomatoes. Bring a big pot of water to a frisky boil and have a large bowl of icewater nearby. Drop the six tomatoes into the boiling water for one minute, then immediately plop them into the icewater. 17/
Once they've cooled, pull them out and then just kind of pull the skin off with your fingers. Mutter and swear and curse whatever bat put us in this predicament where we don't have canned diced tomatoes anymore. 18/
Put the giant mess of tomato-ish glob you've no doubt created on a cutting board and give it several goings-over with a sharp knife. Done. Now you know how to make your own diced tomatoes in case you ever wanna feel superior to people for no apparent reason in the future. 19/
Clean off your cutting board and put a rough chop on your red onion, your bell peppers, and whatever spice pepper you picked up. If the hoarders took all your toilet paper, then remove the seeds from the spice pepper first. If you have to ask why... don't. 20/
Heat a giant ass pot (I cannot stress enough that this pot should be huge, at least 8 quarts if you don't want spillage) to medium-high and dump in the ground chuck and sausage, as well as the chopped red onion and a really healthy dose of garlic powder. 21/
Stir that stuff around until the meat is completely brown and the onions are nice and translucent. Dump in your small can of tomato paste if you're lucky enough to have it, four tablespoons of parsley flakes, 3 tbsp of chili powder, and a tbsp each of cocoa powder & cinnamon 22/
Stir that up for about thirty seconds and let the smell reassure you that I was not crazy when I asked you to put cinnamon and cocoa powder in chili. Then dump in, uh, everything else you have. All the peppers, beans, diced tomatoes. Add 2 cups-ish of water 23/
Trade out the wooden spatula you have probably been using prior to this point for a ladle and bring to a simmer. Turn down the heat to medium-low and simmer that concoction uncovered until the beans are done cooking and the bell peppers are soft. Probs 30 minutes to an hour 24/
Stir it every 10 minutes while it simmers. If it starts to get lumpy or solid parts start sticking out the top, drop in another half cup of water or so. When everything is all as soft as you want it, it's ready to tide you and a small army over... basically forever. 25/
Here's how you serve it. Put the Fritos or whatever crappy substitute you have in the bottom of the bowl, then scoop one ladle of chili on top, followed by the cheese, and then maybe a spoonful of sour cream. I normally abhor sour cream on chili, but it works here. 26/
If you're an onion person, reserve some of the red onion you chopped earlier and put it on top as well. Enjoy! This thing reheats an infinite number of times without any problems, as long as you add maybe half a cup or a cup of water every time you heat it back up. 27/
Stay safe out there, and God Bless America. 28/
