If this is you, then read on ...
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turnupside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine tails. Flog Gardener.
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.
Debug Windows '98
Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with
beeswax from my backyard bee colony.
Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument
accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved
ones.
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
Lay Faberge egg.
Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled
myself.
Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by
handmaking snow and playing my Christmas album.
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall.
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved myself
used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local
orphanages.
Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive
branches, to signify desire of world peace.
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each
time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!
Sincerely,
A Hopeful "Child"