Thread by @mdlaplante

I spent the past few days in Colombia with Pablo Escobar's personal chef.

He taught me how to make some of the former drug kingpin's favorite dishes, and told me some really amazing stories.

I'd like to share something he told me, but you have to promise me something…

Seriously, this is non-negotiable. Promise, OK? In fact, let's all take an oath. Raise your right hand and repeat after me:

I (state your name) WILL NOT EAT MONKEYS, FOR I AM NOT A NOTORIOUS DRUG KINGPIN.

OK. We cool? Great. Here goes.

For reasons that should be obvious, BECAUSE HE WAS PABLO ESCOBAR'S PERSONAL CHEF, but also because he looks like the Colombian version of South Park's Jerome McElroy, we're just going to call this guy "Chef."

Chef was working at a pizza restaurant in southern Colombia. He insists that he didn't know it was owned by a local drug lord. He just thought there HAPPENED to be a REALLY nice pizza restaurant in his little town.

Then, one day, somebody said "El Patron is coming!" And Chef said, "who?" Escobar wanted a fish pizza. And NOBODY WANTED TO SCREW IT UP, so they were like "hey, kid, why don't you make it?"

Chef didn't know enough to say no—not that he could have anyway—so he made the fish pizza. Escobar loved it. "You're with me now," he told the kid.
Chef started as a waiter. "I was very fancy," he remembered. "All dressed up like a penguin."

Chef often got sent for groceries-with far more money than he needed. He never skimmed off the top. "There were hundreds of dollars hidden in every room. If you fell for the trick and took it, you would go away."

"Go away," of course, means "get killed by Pablo Escobar."

It wasn't long before somebody "went away" and there was an opening in the kitchen. That night, Escobar wanted piranha, and NOBODY WANTED TO SCREW IT UP, so they were like "hey, kid, why don't you make it?"

Chef fried the piranha in some palm oil, then cooked it in a broth with pepper, onion, rosemary, ginger and achiote. "That's what hooked him," Chef said. "After that, he always wanted me to make Piranha en Salsa Amazonia."

When Chef bought piranhas from local fishermen, he always chose the ones with the biggest mouths and the sharpest teeth. "Piranhas used to eat us, and now we eat them," Chef said. "El Patron loved that, because it created terror. He loved to create terror."

When there was a banquet, Escobar would call down to the kitchen. "Chef, I need monkey," he would say. "There are 30 people coming, so get enough monkey for 30 people."

How much is enough monkey for 30 people? "Three," chef said. "One howler monkey was about six kilos, and it would feed 10 people."

Chef would hire a hunter from a local tribe to go kill a few howler monkeys. (Warning: If you don't want to know how Pablo Escobar liked his monkey cooked, now is the time to take a break, let me finish up this thread, and then skip down to the final four posts.)

Here is how to prepare Howler Monkey a'la Escobar:

"First, you have to gut the monkey," Chef said. "You remove the head, the genitals, the hands and the feet. You boil it like a pig and shave off the hair. Now it will look like a baby."

"Salt the monkey," Chef said. "Grill it high over the wood. You must smoke it for at least two hours, or it will get a bad flavor and smell like crazy. People will throw up. And then you will go away."

"Go away," of course, means "killed by Pablo Escobar."

"Now you have to chop it up. Cut every four or five centimeters up the arms, and across the ribs and back. The meat is purple. It looks very impressive."

"Now cut up some garlic, peppers and onion and toss it with the meat. In the city we would do it in a steam cooker, in the jungle we would have to simmer it in a pot with water. Don't use too much water. Just a little water. When the water gets low, low, low, then it's perfect."

What do you eat with monkey? Yuca, cassava, chilies, farina and fried plantains. Also beer. Monkey apparently goes nicely with cold beer. (Before you ask "what kind?" and I have to admit I didn't ask, realize that YOU'RE ASKING ME WHAT YOU SHOULD PAIR WITH MONKEY, you sicko.)

Sometimes Escobar's guests knew what they were eating. Sometimes they didn't. Either way, after dinner he would have the monkey's head brought out on a platter under a lid and then lift it up. "He thought this was very funny," Chef said. "El Patron was a very funny guy."

Pablo Escobar loved to eat monkey. "He would die for it," Chef said. "He would eat so much, and then he would get tired. So he would say, 'thank you, chef; if I need anything I will call you" and then he would drink some more beer and go to sleep for hours."

Chef spent two years cooking for Pablo Escobar. "It was a good living," he said. In the end, when Escobar knew his downfall was eminent, "he gave us 500,000 pesos and said, 'thank you for your service, now you must go into hiding.' So I went to Brazil for several years."

Chef isn't blind to the terror El Patreon created. "He did some very bad things," Chef said. "I didn't have a choice. If I had ever refused to work for him, I would have to go away."

And "go away," of course, means "get killed killed by Pablo Escobar."

What would you do if you were the personal chef for a notorious drug kingpin?

Chef taught me several other recipes that don't have any monkey meat in them, and told me some stories to go with them. Which recipe would you like to learn about?

That's all from Colombia for now. I'll share more about Chef and his recipes soon.
(end)

Here's the next installment:

https://twitter.com/mdlaplante/status/960580064755662848

And here's the one about making piranha!

https://twitter.com/mdlaplante/status/963481702684180480

And here's the story about the time Pablo told chef to surprise him!

https://twitter.com/mdlaplante/status/967420989922410497

Here's the last recipe — Arapaima por las reynas.

https://twitter.com/mdlaplante/status/969325559720304641