Thread by @JeanJAuthor

Okay, this is a thread of why I got grilled by the border/customes guards for WA/BC four separate times (4 separate visits!!) while crossing that border on my Alaska trip in May of 2010.

Tagging @erinscafe and @theliz13 on this one...

Okay, a little background info: I have a sister and a brother-in-law who live in BC, as in Beautiful British Columbia, Canada. I live near Seattle, Washington, USA. In 2010, bro-in-law decided to take his wife on a cruise.

They'd been married for 30 years and had always gone to Mexico to celebrate, so they decided to be different & take an Inside Passage cruise. He rented a limo for transportation, reserved three cabins, & invited along his mother, his son, & his first wife, w/1 cabin bed leftover.

Now his daughter from his first wife (--wait, what, first wife?? Let's just say this is an incredibly amicable family situation, and I wish everyone could get along as well as they all do; the ladies are dear friends, the half-kids are practically twins...but I digress)...

HIs daughter from his first wife was pregnant & not up to traveling, plus she had 2 kids & a hubby, & they couldn't afford that many more cabins. So bro-in-law said, "Hey, Jean, you wanna come on an Alaskan Cruise for our 30th? Pony up ($X) & I'll make all the arrangements!"

I am A-OK with doing this, because I've never been on a cruise before, I know they're expensive, I just sold a couple books, and it's RESEARCH, 'cause, y'know, cruise ships, romance novel trope setting, plus I get to go see glaciers and Skagway & stuff. So I pony up! *whinny*

Sis then says, "We're also going to be driving The Car in the Port Coquitlam Day parade! You wanna come up early and watch the parade?" And I, knowing that this was a beautiful forest green roadster from like the 1920s, said, "I'd love to!" So I packed for Alaska & drove on up.

This was in part because of the parade stuff, and part because we were taking the limo from BIL's house to the docks the next day. (Also, I should note in an aside right here that you NEVER get Coquitlam, BC mixed up with Port Coquitlam, BC, as they are VERY firm it's 2 cities.)

(That are right next to each other. Like, one side of the street, other side of the street. But I digress...)

So I get up to the Border, and get The Questions from the Serious Border Guards.

(You know they're Canadian Border Guards as they're the Serious Ones, not the Very Serious Ones, which are the U.S. Border Guards, whose gauntlet you must endure to get back down south...)

(Digression #2: Mind you, I had this convo with a cute Quebecois Guard on my first trip up north,
"Where are you going?"
"To visit my relatives."
"When was the last time you visited them?"
"I, uh...never?"
"WHY NOT??"

(..."Well, They always drove down to see ME!"
"Well, you need to visit more often!!"
"I'm doing it NOW, aren't I??"
"Well...okay, then! Trés Bien! How long are you going to be staying on this trip?"
"Two nights."
"...Next time stay longer! And visit more often!"
"Yessir!")

((I kid you not, that was the exchange I had with the guy. XDD ))

(But that was an exception.)

Anyway, this time, I'm anticipating it'll be much like most of the other times I've crossed the border, where are you going, who are you going to see, how long will you be staying, blah blah blah. If you've crossed the border, you know the drill.

Canadian Guard: "Welcome to Canada. Where are you going?"
Me, excited about the trip: "Alaska!"
Canadian Guard: *jawdrop* "You're DRIVING to ALASKA??"

(Digression #3: for those who don't know, BC is hella-long to drive, North-South; it's 2 days straight of hard driving.)

Me, startled: "What? No! I'm taking an Inside Passage cruise!"
Guard, checking my passport for the address line, "You...live in Everett, why aren't you taking a cruise ship from Seattle?"
Me: "Because my brother-in-law lives in Port Coquitlam!"
Guard: "Port Coquitlam is inland!"

Me: "Yes, but he's hired a limo to take us from his house to the docks!"
Guard: "And who is 'us'?"
Me: *explains about his 30th anniversary trip*
Guard: "And who all is going?"
Me: *mentions all 6 of us*
Guard: "...He's taking his first wife along??"
Me: "They get along great!"

So the Baffled But Still Reasonably Serious Canadian Border Guard lets me across the border, and I drive up to my kinfolk's place.

That evening, we get a call that the cruise overbooked, and they need one of our 3 cabins...so they very politely offer us the 2nd best stateroom.

The 2nd best stateroom on the ship can sleep 4, so that would free up 2 beds for other passengers. BIL (no fool!) says "Hell yes!"

...And then they call back a few hours later and say, "We had some cancellations, we don't need that 3rd cabin...but we're not gonna be rude, so..."

...We end up with 2 of the 3 original cabins, AND the stateroom (#2 on the Ryndam, Holland America Cruise Lines)...and there is a bit of negotiating between the 3 generations...and it is decided that Grandmother will have her own cabin. Grandson will have his own cabin...

And all four of us "adults" (technically everone was over 21, even my nephew) will cram into the stateroom. Which was very nice and had a balcony and a fancy dressing area, was just overall lovely, AND the other two had access to the same private upperclass lounge along with us.

So we do the parade, had a good time, get in the limo, had a good time, got on the ship, had a good time (insert typical very good cruise experiences here)...& then we finally dock at the end, take a train to Anchorage, and get into an airplane to fly back home. Ish.

Before transoceanic flights were a regular thing, Anchorage was a major airport hub for North America-Asia flights, so it has a very nice high capacity airport, from which you can fly all over the place.

Except you cannot fly from Anchorage, AK, straight to Vancouver, BC.

You have to fly from Anchorage to SeaTac (Seattle, WA), and THEN fly from SeaTac to Vancouver.

So it's just a Domestic U.S. flight for me...until we land. And have to go through Customs.

U.S. Very Serious Border Guard: "Where did you come from?"
Me, tired but happy: "Alaska!"

U.S. Guard: "Where are you going?"
Me: "Port Coquitlam."
US Guard: "Why are you going there?"
Me: "To pick up my car!"
US Guard; *confused look* "Why are you picking up your car in Port Coquitlam?"
Me, still tired, long day: "Because I parked it there?"

US Guard, further confused: "Why did you park it there?"
Me: "Because I took an Inside Passage cruise up to Alaska?"
US Guard, eyeing my passport. "It says here you live in Everett, why isn't your car in Everett?"
Me: "Because I -drove- it to Port Coquitlam, and parked it there?"

US Guard: "Why did you park it in Port Coquitlam?"
(By this point, everyone else is through Customs. I'm still chatting with the Highly Puzzled Customs Guard Person.)
Me: "Because that's where the limo picked us up at my brother-in-law's house, to take us to the cruise ship?"

US Customs Guard: "...Okay, then."
And he lets me through.

We make our flight, no problem, plenty of time to board, etc.

It is a short hop to Vancouver, BC, from SeaTac, WA, like 20-ish minutes. Almost ridiculously short.

(Not the shortest commercial flight ever, that's Westray to Papa Westray in the Orkneys, which I got to watch takeoff & land back in 2014, 1min 53 secs, wheels up/down.)

(Yes, you can literally watch the 8 seater plane take off from one runway, & tho the grass kinda obscures the tarmac on the other, you *can* see the little jolt of the plane when the wheels touch down again. I timed it, 1m53s. Guinness Book says 2min, but no tailwind, I guess.)

So we land, get our bags, & head to Customs.

Vancouver's international airport is also quite lovely. It has 2 different sections, for Canadian citizens arriving, and International Visitors.

That's me.

Literally.

Just me.

The ENTIRE PLANE was Canadians...except for me.

It has now been a very, very long day, it's late in the evening, and I'm facing a row of 8 booths of Canadian Customs Guards/Agents/Whatever, so I paste on my bright & chipper public smile and ask, "Who wants me?"

One of 'em replies: "Calm down, ma'am. I'll take you over here."

I'm like an hour from being able to faceplant in a bed in their guest room (NOT going to try the 3 hour drive home at the end of such a long day), so I head on over, mustering energy to be polite, happy, etc...

Canadian Guard: "So where've you been?"
Me: "Alaska!"
Canadian Guard: *flat look, blinkblink* "...Alaska?"
Me: "Yup!"
Canadian Guard: "But you just got off a plane from Seattle."
Me: "Yup! I don't know why they don't let you fly from Anchorage to Vancouver, but they don't."

Me, additionally, still smiling: "So we had to fly first to Seattle."
Canadian Guard, checking my passport: "You live in Everett. Why didn't you just get off the plane in Seattle?"
Me, utterly incredulous that I keep getting asked this question...

But gamely, I answer: "...Because my car is parked in Port Coquitlam?"
Utterly puzzled Canadian Guard: "Why is your car parked in Port Coquitlam, when you live in Everett?"
Me, very tired, but trying to stay upbeat: "Because my brother-in-law hired a limo to take us to the dock?"

Also me: "And that's where I parked my car?"
Still me: "Because he lives in Port Coquitlam, and he's the one who arranged the Inside Passage Cruise we took?"
Canadian Customs Guard/Agent Person: *blinkblink* "...Okay, then. Are you driving home tonight?"

Me, bluntly honest: "Nossir! I need at least 8 hours of sleep!"
Canadian Guard, smiling: "Thank you, ma'am, Welcome to Canada."

...My nephew, straining to see what is going on, quizzes me when I get to the other side of the booths, & has a gigglefit over it.

*When I explain it.

But wait, there's more!

I get to their place, crash & sleep for 8 hours, have a nice breakfast, hug everyone goodbye, & drive back to the border

The Truck Stop Border. Where the VERY Serious U.S. Border Guards Sit In Judgment On All Ye Who Would Enter Here.

US Border Guard, stern and No Nonsense-like, examining my passport: "Where have you been?"
Me: "Alaska!"
US Border Guard: *jawdrop* "You DROVE from ALASKA??"

*pauses for the badump-bump-pshhht! drum-and-rimshot of the joke to pass*
(Seriously, he did ask this, funniest shhh)

Me, re-amused (a good night's sleep helped) by this whole border crossing thing: "Nope! I took an Inside Passage Cruise up to Alaska."
US Border Guard, Now Confused; "But...you're driving out of Canada?"
Me: "Yep. That's where I left my car."
US Guard: "I don't understand..."

US Guard: "If you took an Inside Passage cruise up to Alaska, why is your car in Canada?"
Me, at this point KNOWING I am going to get a very good story out of this whole mess (obviously, see this whole thread)...: "Because my brother-in-law rented a limo to take us to the docks."

US Guard: "...A limo."
Me: "Yes. A -stretch- limo. Very nice. I was not going to miss out on that."
US. Guard: "...But why was your car in Canada?"

(Apparently people forget it's not just Seattle, but Vancouver AND Victoria, BC, you can take cruise ships from!!)

(Digression #5 or 7 or something... On the bright & amusing side, by that point (2010), that was the most human I'd ever seen the US Border Guards behaving at this particular border crossing; they're usually Very No-Nonsense sorts, gruff, brusque, no chitchat, all business.)

Me, patiently amused: "Because my brother-in-law lives in Port Coquitlam, BC, and he's the one who arranged for the limo, the cruise, the airplane flight, and everything."
US Border Guard: "Airplane flight?"
Me, starting to explain: "Yeah! To fly back to Seattle from Anchorage--"

Me, again: "--and from there to Vancouver--"
US Guard, interrupting me: "--Your flight went to SEATTLE? Then why didn't you just stay in Seattle? You live in Everett!"
ME, this time: *jawdrop* "...Because my CAR was in PORT COQUITLAM??"

(...I TOLD you it had a punchline!!)

...And that's my story of how I got grilled 4 different times at the BC/WA border (customs counts!) on my trip to Alaska and back.

/fin

...If I have managed to entertain anyone reading this thread on the funniest set of border crossing misunderstandings I've ever had (yes, this all really, truly happened to me!)...feel free to buy me a ko-fi, eh?

ko-fi.com/JeanJAuthor