Bloke in front of me in Asda has bought 4 packets of chocolate digestives and a pigs liver. I had plans for tonight but have decided to follow this fucker instead
He’s got in a van right outside the shop - he was parked in a disabled bay. Typical. I’m parked far away because I am a RESPONSIBLE PARKER AND SHOPPER (see earlier tweet about laying bottles flat on the conveyor). Will try and catch him at the traffic lights
In the car. Nearly took out a family of 5 while trying to catch up with pig liver biscuit man. The family were coming across the car park carrying, in my opinion - FAR TOO MUCH toilet roll for the 5 of them
Shouted out the window at the family I nearly hit with my car. Tried to explain about chasing the man who bought biscuits and pig liver but got distracted by how much toilet roll they had. Screamed TOO MUCH at them and wheelspinned away
Pulled up alongside him at the traffic lights. Beckoned for him to pull over and explain himself but he’s trying to open one of the packets of biscuits. At a red light. Mans a fucking monster. If he heads for the Mancunian way I can catch him and try and ram him off the road
Yes! He’s pulled into the McDonald’s off the Mancunian way. Going to pincer movement the fucker in the drive thru by parking across the exit. Will stand at the front of my car with the headlights on, like the opening titles on The Equalizer. The Equaliver *chuckles* I’ll use that
HES GOING IN THE MCDONALDS. Who buys digestives, a pigs liver then goes in McDonald’s? This madman. Thinking of ringing the police
Police have been no help at all. Neither were the fire brigade or the coastguard. IM GOING IN
Stood behind him in the queue. Might get a McFlurry while I’m here as I’m sweating from all this SUSPENSE AND WONDER
HE’S ORDERED A FILET-O-FISH. ITS 29 DEGREES OUT THERE MAN. Customers in the McDonald’s audibly gasped when he ordered it. AM I ON THE TRAIL OF A SERIAL KILLER?
Got my McFlurry as I am a scientific whizz and used the automated system. Am now staring at him, imagining him getting home and smearing himself in pigs liver, hot fish and biscuits. And like, probably killing someone and that
Staff are dumbfounded by the filet-o-fish order. This is going to take AGES, and Emmerdales on at 7. Taking matters even further into my own hands. Documenting this in case he kills me and buries me in his abandoned car yard which I imagine he ALMOST DEFINITELY has
Am at his van. Tried the doors but ha locked them. Clever one this guy. Alternative methods must be employed in order for me to save this SCHOOLBUS FULL OF CHILDREN which he as ALMOST DEFINITELY KIDNAPPED AND LEFT TIED UP IN AN ABANDONED STEEL MILL probably
A BIG DOG IN THE VAN HAS JUST STARTED GOING BALLISTIC AT ME
He doesn’t know it but has sealed his own fate with this one
*chuckles* The Equa-liver strikes again!
He doesn’t know it but has sealed his own fate with this one
*chuckles* The Equa-liver strikes again!
HE HAS HIS FILET-O-FISH AND IS LEAVING MCDONALDS. Christ those staff are fast. Make a mental note to include this on my next trip advisor review. You can’t knock sterling work, even if they are AIDING AND ABETTING A possible MURDERER
He’s approaching the van. Need to act fast. Lifted a heavy cobblestone from outside the McDonald’s and launched it through his van windscreen, screamed: CARS DIE IN HOT DOGS, YOU LIVERPIG
HE’S FUCKING WALKED STRAIGHT PAST AND GOT IN A DIFFERENT VAN
Of course he has. Serial killers are known to switch vehicles when they get suspected, then flee, possibly to Belgium or another country like Belgium
SUCCESS THOUGH -THE POLICE ARE HERE AND HAVE BLOCKED HIM FROM EXITING THE CAR PARK. I walk over to help with the arrest and receive possibly what might be something like a Purple Heart for saving all those kids
OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK
I’m in a police van. They let the murderer get away. Officer who arrested me agrees that digestives and pig liver are a weird combination, even if you’re just shopping for bits. No excuse for criminal damage though blah blah blah. I SAVED A DOG FOR FUCKS SAKE
I’m almost DEFINITELY going to miss Emmerdale now. Honestly, this country
If any solicitors have been following this thread DM me. Also sky plus Emmerdale for me. Cheers
SEE YOU IN HELL LIVERPIG DIGESTIVE MAN. Or possibly Asda or McDonald’s
