We open to a boy sleeping
And a young Carey Elwes
Wait shit wrong movie
Dude this kid just took a LIFE ENDING spill down a mountain
Nope we're good
Another beautiful morning. Makes me sick.
I was convinced I came up with that line. Damn.
This makeup is offffffffputting
Not as unsettling as fucking BUTTON EYES, but it'll do
Quickly learning the dynamic of these witches
Think I found the Especially insane one
Boy going toe to toe with the witches
Like Geralt fighting the Crones
I DON'T CARE EVERYTHING IS RELATED TO THE WITCHER IF YOU WANT IT TO BE
Are they breathing in the girl?
Because that's illegal in most states with the notable exception of Alabama
And they're young again
Blondie kinda cute, too
Hey if this movie gets one thing right, it's making fun of Californians
Even California knows what I'm talking about
I've never seen 8th graders be so unironically excited about something
This movie doesn't portray Gen X accurately
Half of them would've been making fun of the teacher, other half would been listening to their new Pearl Jam cassette on their walkman
This kid is sick with the insults
I wish my comeback game was that fucking raw
"Watch your language!"
Well now, that brings back memories. Who else got scolded for saying sucks, crap, and frick?
Dude was about to Big Mouth that pillow before his sneaky sister voyeur'd on him
Okay who the fuck robs a kid's candy
You're 23 and probably have a job
Go fucking BUY a candy bar
Fun fact: In Vanilla Ice's hit, "Ice, Ice, Baby," he's actually referencing the kid, Ice, in this movie.
Look it up
At least you can't find anything saying it isn't real
"Let me change, they won't miss me"
*three hours of wrestling with a corset later*
And now Max learns a little lesson everyone learns around the age of 14
Don't fuck with the paranormal or else you won't get laid
If they keep consuming kids, do the witches pull like a full Benjamin Button?
Can a motherfucker OD on children?
Shit we need to warn them
I want to just yell at the TV screen
DON'T INVEST IN HD DVD
"You mess with the great and powerful Max and now must suffer the consequences"
This. Kid. Is. A. Baller.
Pretty sure if I awakened an ancient evil and summoned it using a black flame candle, I'd not be as calm and collected
Probably would just be like
"Aye yeah alright just alakazam my head off or whatever"
Just learned this movie was released in July?
Who the fuck made that decision?
Find the book, brew the potion, suck the life out of children
Or, as Snape would call it, a normal class
Were brooms really so shittily designed 300 years ago?
Fucker would not collect dirt with that design
It's just poor patenting
Arwen has not talked back to me yet
But she is very intently watching the movie
This bus driver is thirstier than most of the people in the Discord server last weekend
You know what you did
I'm irrationally mad at that bus driver for running over that cat
I knew he couldn't die but that was pretty fucked to see
Ah yeah, Satan's wife has the diet of me at 19
Cigarettes, burboun, and Cheetos
I miss that metabolism
Oh this poor kid, even though it's true, he's gonna get roasted for the rest of his oife
The most underrated thing in this movie:
The ability for the witches to sight-read music, and the backup band for knowing EXACTLY when to queue in
u ever been so white-boy mad u just went fuckin ham on a trashcan in an alley
Oh fuck they're gonna burn the witches alive?
What the fuck is this movie RATED?!
"We got a new cat!" The youngest child announces
I remember getting away with that shit
Max gonna put it to the MAX tonight
No more bitch ass candle lighting for THIS virgin
Hey kids reading an ancient grimoire of spells and shit
"What harm could it do?"
"It says here this book can only be opened by a virgin..."
*she tries to open the book with visible struggle*
Max just left two kids to die and the last words they'll ever hear is "tubular"
Hell is real, folks.
Wait, when she yells "a toast," aren't I supposed to throw toast at the screen or something?
So two tweens, a black cat, a zombie, a little girl, and a book with and eye are hiding from three witches...
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR SISTER
BE A CAT AGAIN
ARWEN IS GETTING SO MANY TREATS
"Took 300 years for a virgin to light a candle"
Yeah most virgins nowadays just vape