#Letr2Jil – SCARING PROSPECTS AWAY starts now.
1. There are what we call invisible losses in life. These are losses we sustain without even being aware. The way life is structured a great deal of the value we derive is hidden in others. Therefore what they think of us matters. Call it social credit. #Letr2Jil
2. You’re more likely to do very well in life if your favourability rating in a community is high. The higher your rating the more people want to interact with you, transact with you, be around you, associate with you, identify with you. #Letr2Jil
3. When it comes to marriage decisions those opinions come to matter. Yes, the man interested in you can form his own opinion but chances are he’ll ask around about you, wonder what people think of you, especially if he’s seeking an introduction. #Letr2Jil
4. A series of negative reviews can pour cold water on his desire, even though he might like you a great deal. If a guy likes you and everyone says terrible stuff about you he’ll withdraw a bit to assess his desire. He’ll wonder if he’s going in the right direction. #Letr2Jil
5. Of course the motivation of those individuals doing the review matters. They may be envious or just evil in expressing such negative comments about you. #Letr2Jil
6. That is only mitigated if one or two critical people tell the guy to ignore those negative comments, ascribing a jealous motivation to them. That doesn’t take away the fact people’s opinion matters. It actually validates it. #Letr2Jil
7. No matter what you think of yourself or what you really are the opinion of others can torpedo a potential relationship. Opinions are powerful. #Letr2Jil
8. Opinions are either objective or subjective, though in truth all opinions are subjective. Our biases somehow creep into those “objective” evaluations. For the most we’re expressing our sentiments. #Letr2Jil
9. But here’s the link to the temperament thing we spoke about. That you control your temperament with this guy is not going to be enough if enough people tell him you’re highly volatile. He’ll have a rethink. Men struggle with temperament. #Letr2Jil
10. And we all do that. We modify our behaviour around the person we’d like to marry in order to create the right impression. But what invariably determines the fate of that relationship is how we behave around others. #Letr2Jil
11. And so you may not be temperamental around this guy but the fact you’re temperamental towards every other person outside of him is going to cost you favourability rating when those opinions are harvested. #Letr2Jil
12. Temperament is costly. It generates invisible losses. #Letr2Jil
13. When you’re temperamental people will tolerate you by focusing on what they like about you. They’ll adjust to accommodate that temperament by going silent during display. They’re embarrassed. #Letr2Jil
14. But they will have a negative rating of you. Unfortunately they will not tell you that temperament is bad. The emotional cost of doing so is high. #Letr2Jil
15. The men who should be interested in you will stay away on account of that temperament. That’s an example of invisible loss. Your marriage will be delayed unnecessarily. #Letr2Jil
16. But why are men wary of temperamental women? Perhaps it has to do with unpredictability. No one knows when the volcano will erupt. It IS a volcano! It spews fire and ash. Men don’t have the emotional capacity for molten lava. #Letr2Jil
17. And so you may hit it off with a guy but he’ll refuse to approach or take things further if he sees a display of that temperament. He can’t cope in the long run. Doesn’t have emotional capacity. #Letr2Jil
18. And so there’ll be interested guys who won’t bother to approach you on account of that temperament. You won’t know. You’d just think they don’t have the balls. Or you’ll invent a reason. But it’s invisible loss. #Letr2Jil
19. Let’s draw an analogy. Suppose you have a very talented but crooked guy. Everyone will like to engage that talent but the crookedness will make them wary. They’ll refuse to approach the guy for business. That’s invisible loss. #Letr2Jil
20. Being selfish or self-centred produces similar results. When you’re self-centered you’re bound to treat people anyhow. It’s all about your convenience. #Letr2Jil
21. It’s why you’ll arrive late on a movie date even though you had ample notice. Everything is supposed to wait on you. Even when you know he’ll miss the beginning of the film you don’t really care. It’s all about you. He’ll wait. #Letr2Jil
22. That disregard for others will eventually cost you. Only by the time you realise it critical time would have elapsed. Your dream of marriage may be kept in limbo. #Letr2Jil
23. Same thing with the issue of stubbornness, the fear being no one can talk to you. That’s scary. There’s no room for correction or behaviour modification. You’re right in your own eyes. #Letr2Jil
24. In some way stubbornness is self-righteousness. #Letr2Jil
25. The history of other people matters in life. Those who have gone before us, or are older than us provide a trajectory of a course of life. We can either avoid their mistakes or learn from them. #Letr2Jil
26. If for example you want to be a crook all you need do is look at the life of older crooks, what became of them and ask yourself pertinent questions. Is that what you want to become? That’s your trajectory you’re witnessing. #Letr2Jil
27. Same thing if you’re temperamental, stubborn or self-centred. Look around. You’ll see people older than you who share similar traits. They’re your trajectory. If you don’t like what you see you have to modify behaviour. #Letr2Jil
28. We tend to think in the moment and don’t consider the future. We use immediate short histories from the lives of others to take decisions and that’s not wise. We must look at trajectory over a period. #Letr2Jil
29. You can see the possible trajectory of your life by looking at the lives of people much older than you who share your traits. That gives you a long period of history to consider. #Letr2Jil
30. If you’re lazy for instance you can see your trajectory in how the lives of much older lazy people turned out. Same goes for crooks, or wicked people. #Letr2Jil
31. The plotting of trajectory doesn’t necessarily mean we’d end up like those people. The advantage of plotting trajectory is that it gives us opportunity to modify behaviour if we don’t like the end we’re looking at. #Letr2Jil
32. There’s always a corrective opportunity in life. There’s always a redemptive opportunity. #Letr2Jil
33. So, modify course. Control that temperament. It’s already cost you a man or two you’re not aware of. They’re your friends but they couldn’t take the next step in your relationship because of fear of that temperament. #Letr2Jil
34. And so even though you desire to marry, your temperament is scaring prospects away. Of course no one will tell you that. There’s fear of your reaction. #Letr2Jil
35. And there’s also worry about your genuineness and commitment to change if you’re told. The men fear you may just modify your behaviour to achieve the marriage objective. After marriage the goddess takes over. #Letr2Jil
36. And of course they’re afraid of you pulling a public scene with that temperament after the wedding. The gate is padlocked. #Letr2Jil
37. And so even though you have very attractive qualities you’re creating fear in prospects with your temperament. And prospects tend to respect their fears. #Letr2Jil
38. No one wants to be locked up in marriage with an uncontrollable individual. He or she is a social and emotional health risk. #Letr2Jil
39. Of course some will argue you shouldn’t modify your behaviour to please anyone. They insist your temperament is you. Either the man takes it or leaves it. The wisdom in that philosophy is doubtful though. #Letr2Jil
40. There’s something wrong with a philosophy that does not advocate change in costly behaviour. When a course of behaviour costs us a lot we must as a matter of wisdom modify our behaviour. #Letr2Jil
41. You’re going to modify your behaviour down the line anyway. The older and more mature you become the more you’ll find yourself calming down. Our behaviour is tempered as we grow older. Only you might have lost a lot before then. #Letr2Jil
42. Even if you don’t want to calm down life will temper your behaviour. By the time you go through trials and difficulties in life you’ll calm down. #Letr2Jil
43. But despite the efforts of life some people still find it hard to calm down. Some people are persistent with costly behaviour. There are temperamental old people for instance. #Letr2Jil
44. The thing is that by the time life forces you to calm down and modify your behaviour a great deal of opportunities would have been lost. #Letr2Jil
45. It’s better we save ourselves heartache by modifying our costly behaviour ourselves. Better to do it willingly before life steps in. If it’s too costly modify your behaviour. #Letr2Jil
46. When we’re young we believe we can get away with anything, even temperament. And we do get away with temperament for some time. And that’s largely because no one considers it worthwhile engaging us. #Letr2Jil
47. But that you’re getting away with a particular behaviour doesn’t mean it’s not costing you. Life has a hidden taxation system for reprehensible behaviour. #Letr2Jil
48. The problem as someone once confided in me, is that some of us weren’t taught certain values growing up. We were left to learn about life on our own. For some of us the street was our school of life. #Letr2Jil
49. And in that particular school of life values are often upside down. For example a lot of what we call “smartness” is lack of values. We cheat and call it “smartness.” But it’s actually lack of integrity. #Letr2Jil
50. Lack of values is always costly. If you’re rude for instance you’ll pay for it one way or the other. If you’re fraudulent you’ll pay for it one way or the other. And there’ll be invisible losses. #Letr2Jil
51. It doesn’t matter whether the world hails you for bad behaviour. You’ll pay for lack of values. And anyway the world always hails the guy who seems to be getting away with it. Until he’s not. #Letr2Jil
52. That getting away with it is often for a short period of time. It’s very costly. A lack of integrity for example will make people wary about doing business with you. A crooked person makes his path crooked. #Letr2Jil
53. And so what does it profit you if your temperament chases your prospects away? All you’ll have is the self satisfaction of getting away with always trying to have your way for a moment. #Letr2Jil
54. Modify this behaviour before it costs you too much. Control that temperament. It’s already cost you a great deal. And those older than you have learnt their lesson. Though for some the lesson came rather late. #Letr2Jil
55. There are things our parents must teach us and there are things we must teach ourselves. But ultimately our lives are our responsibility. #Letr2Jil
56. Once you’re an adult you lose the right to blame your parents. You must take responsibility for your life. #Letr2Jil
57. Your mentor, LA #Letr2Jil
59. For related letters, search for MY DEAR STUBBORN JIL, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE, MTN and EFFORT ATTRACTION AND OTHER MATTERS at jacknjillive.com.
60. #Illuminare – VIRTUAL REALITY is tomorrow Sunday at 9am WAT
61. © Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com.
