Thread by @ReverendMalcus

Oh I have eaten A SOLID FOOD and am ready to deep-dive into the new Camarilla book for #V5.

And if I am going down this edgy rabbit hole, I am taking all of you bastards with me.

For starters, let's just marvel at that cover. I am not even sure what we're going for here. Blind Toreador? Malk with a wardrobe budget? Whatever is going on here it's both highly impractical AND un-aesthetically asymmetrical.

Also, they removed the ankh from Masquerade. This makes me sad.

Just so it is on record, here are your authors. Tremble in fear

Wait.. Haqim? That's just the Assamites, right? Why the name change? And WHY ARE THEY IN THE CAM BOOK???

I HAVE A FEELING THIS DISCLAIMER IS GOING TO BE IMPORTANT LATER

I see we are having issues with the fucking white space again. There's at least a 2 margin on all sides. of the text.

Opening fiction is ok, and appears to be our framing device, an elder's notes to her neonate. Ok there's a good premise here, though it's been done before, so let's see how this measures up.

Ugh, this bullshit again where they turn a sidebar into a full page thing, interrupting the flow of the main text and making the book difficult to follow. They did this in the main book multiple times and it just infuriated me. Layout is NOT THAT HARD, people!

Also, since this sidebar is an Inquisition document, can I mention how idiotic it is that the Inquisition has to call vampires "blankbodies"? Was using the actual term vampire not good enough?

I mean, sure, we could use the term vampire since it exists and has been used forever, but instead we're gonna just make up a nonsense term... because we may have the entire dictionary BUT WE'LL JUST NEED THE EDGE!!

Chapter Two is, strangely, about vampire religion. And it is longer than I would expect. Oh, and we've switched from three columns of text to two, for no reason.

This sentence seems to imply that the Protestant Reformation was caused by the Malkavians. I'm not sure if that's funny or not...

So the Camarilla have not only become more religious, but now aspire to enslavement of humanity and TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION.

AND SUDDENLY BACK TO THREE COLUMN LAYOUT JESUS CHRIST PICK ONE YOU BASTARDS

And in the Cults section we have Consumptionism, or as I like to call it "Highlander Was Totally Real, You Guys!!!'

AND SUDDENLY WHITE TEXT ON BLACK PAGES AND MY EYES ARE SCREAMING

REFORMED LOL

So the Our Faith section, aside from being mostly filler, seems to have two purposes.
A: to establish that the Cam has formed an alliance with the Assamites.
B: to make it clear that the Cam has become a second-rate supervillan league.
Ugh

"It is our business to professionally manage resources and promote vampiric synergy through cutting-edge techniques combined with traditional modes of synergy. Also synergy."

Oh God I found the first legit creepy thing in the book, a confessional about a vampire who seduced a single mom SO HE COULD FEED ON HER KIDS.

Ok this section on how to uphold the Masquerade is actually kind of good. I will give credit where it is earned.

And now we hit the actual metaplot face-first...

For those unaware of the metaplot shenanigans, apparently the entire Sabbat just bailed from their cities and headed for the Middle East to dig up antediluvians. Cam elders apparently feel compelled to go there to fight them. As in literally called by their blood.

This might be an interesting story to explore if the authors had any actual talent.

Instead we get, I kid you not, a story where a small Sabbat cell takes over AN AMERICAN MILITARY BASE with no one noticing, and a single Assamite goes in and murders them all.

Note that all the above is happening in a world where it is established canon that the new Inquisition is so powerful that all the vampires are in deep hiding. And yet this gets by them?

OH GOD

OH GOD

OK before I continue, a reminder that Chechnya is a real-life shitshow. I can't even begin to sum up how bad things are there, nor do I feel particularly qualified to, but suffice it to say the place is a black hole for human rights.

There's a certain art to taking real-world issues and turning them into interesting stories or backdrops for gaming. In the hands of a truly experience story teller, a setting like Chechnya could be used well.

BUT WE ARE DEALING WITH NUWOLF SO LET'S SEE HOW THEY FUCK IT UP

As a good friend has said, "I can't believe Daybreakers is now WoD canon"

Wait... Ramzan is a real person. They took a real person and put him in here...

No Seriously, THIS is they guy they're talking about above.

newyorker.com/magazine/2016/…

"Oh and all the LGBTQ people we're killing, that's just to help maintain the Masquerade, you see."

I cannot properly express my rage right now.

I am honestly not sure what the goddamned point of this section is. Why did they feel the need to give a breakdown of the Chechen military numbers?

Why is this even here? What is the point of all this? Why does our framing device character see this as a good thing while the POV character writing the Chechnya report sees this as a huge problem? How does this help a typical Vampire game IN ANY WAY?

Oh Jesus fuck I'm only like 33% through this book.

Ok I grabbed a snack and some cocoa and I am moving on before my brain explodes from the stupid...

NEW SECTION!!

So the second Inquisition consists of the Catholic Inquisition and multiple world powers. They have endless money and weapons at their disposal, True Faith, a literal army, and control of the Internet.

BUT THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT CHECHNYA?!?!?

Let me get this straight: you created an omnipresent Inquisition that can and will launch a strike force if a picture of a pale dude giving someone a hickey surfaces online, but they can't figure out what's going on in a literal vampire state???

Also they apparently blew up the prime Tremere chantry in Vienna based on nothing more than a good hunch. Given that this was underneath the city and huge, half of Vienna should now be smoking rubble.

THE ENTIRE CCCTV SYSTEM IN LONDON IS EQUIPPED TO DETECT VAMPIRES

SORRY, @CupcakeGoth , YOU CAN'T VISIT THERE ANYMORE

Lots of interesting bits in this next section. Not terribly deep, mind you, but some ideas to play with, including more formal coterie formation rites.

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE LOL

SUBTLE, GUYS. REAL SUBTLE

This next section reviews all the major city political positions. But at this point I am wondering why this and the previous chapter weren't earlier in the book? You know, where people can most easily find the things that most directly affect their game???

NO MENTION OF THE HARPIES I AM DEEPLY OFFENDED

*side-eye intensifies*

So the Cam decided the needed a chaplain? This can lead to only one thing... Vampire Nuns

The art continues to mystify me....

YAY CLAN REVIEW TIME!

Seriously, this flipping between two and three-column layouts is killing me. They need to pick one and stay with it.

BLUCHER!!!! *horse whinnies from afar*

These feeding restrictions are... amazingly specific.
"Mortals in the shower" may be my favorite ever.

OH GOD THE CHAINMAIL DRESS IS BACK WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY

There's not much of substance in these clan writeups, at least nothing you wouldn't have already gotten from the main book. The only thing of interest is the writeup on Banu Haquim, and that's mostly because it's a full clan write-up.

We get it, you vape...

A few dry bits of Cam propaganda on the Anarch clans. Dull.

So they created rules on how to have large-scale institutions fight, like two companies trying to take one another over and stuff like that. Except... the rules are bland. And a little vague. This is not well-written.

And that's the end of the Camarilla book!

Final Thoughts:
1) This book was not well organized. Things that should have been at the beginning were buried halfway through the book. The constant flipping of layouts made it hard to read. As an actual sorcebook this is sub-par.

2) That section on Chechnya is offensive. It's the same edgelord crap we saw from the main book, poorly presented and designed to just get people mad. Its purpose in the book, other than to be an edgy point of controversy, is non-existent.

3) The Second Inquistion makes absolutely no sense as presented. They are all-powerful and can ID vampires using hand scanners and data algorithms but can't see the nation of vampires standing right over there. *slowclap*

This all seems like some angsty teenager's shitty AU fanfic. There's no coherence, the writing is often directionless, and the puerile power fantasies are abundant.

Mostly, it's just not... interesting. Once you get past the edginess they're throwing at your face, it's all so monumentally dull. It's a collection of opportunities to pretend to be an awful shitheel wrapped in roses and fangs, and it's all been done to fucking death.

And suddenly I am reminded of Eternal Hearts, the "vampire erotica" novel. Any one else remember that flaming pile of excrement?

It basically did the same things #V5 is trying to do, being scandalous and edgy and oh so controversial... but once you got past that is was just all so monumentally dull. And the writing was... well, let's be kind and say it was sub-par.

But lo, there is the OTHER source book that got released, too! ANARCHS! I'll get to that another night, however. Now, I am just terribly exhausted.