Thread by @ReelQuinn

Mom: Honestly, Ally!
Ally: We’re the savages, mom
Dad: Oh for Chrissakes. This again?

Ally: I mean why don’t we just eat the family cat with stuffing
Dad: GODDAMN IT
Mom: Ally, please don’t say that in front of Todd
Todd [staring at phone] I’d eat a cat
Dad: JESUS CHRIST, TODD

Mom: Where are you going, Todd?
Todd: I gotta meet Danny
Dad: Who the hell is Danny
Ally: Probably his dealer
Todd: Shut up, asswipe
Mom: We were going to watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Dad: I need you to stop at the store
Todd: …
Mom: Hang on I’ll make a list
Ally: You and “Danny” can go shopping
Mom: Todd, it has to be SEA salt

Dad: Ally, you better go with your brother
Todd: What NO WAY
Ally: Yeah Todd you can’t be trusted to buy salt
Mom: Sea salt really makes a difference

Ally: WEAR A COAT TODD
Todd: Fuck you
Ally: Fuck you
Dad: Knock it off!
Mom: Chitty starts at 8. Be back by 8
Dad: Who keeps touching the damn thermostat

[5 hours later]
Todd: Um this is Seth
Dad: You boys stoned?
Seth: hahaha dude hee
Dad: Todd, where’s the goddamn salt
Seth: I don’t know what that means

Ally [chopping carrots]: This knife is dull
Todd: Here use mine
Mom: You carry a knife?
Todd: Knives. Plural, mom
Dad: Well, I think your friend Seth stole our car

Mom: Uncle Pete and Aunt Jean are here
Dad: They’re blocking the damn driveway
Mom: Don’t mention the thing-
Dad: Every year the fucking guy can’t park
Mom: Don’t say anything about Pete’s affair-

Aunt Jean: Helloooo
Mom: You made it!
Uncle Pete: See you haven’t paved your driveway
Dad: Ok ok you know-
Mom: WHO WANTS A DRINK

Todd [whispering]: So Uncle Pete is a total perv
Ally: Whoa wait what
Todd: He got blowjobs from a neighbor’s nanny or somethin
Ally: HOLY SHIT when did th-
Uncle Pete: Hey kids Gimme a hug

Seth: Hey
Aunt Jean: Excuse me
Seth: I’m sorta sleeping here can you sit somewhere else
Aunt Jean: I’m sorry who are you
Seth: Dude can you not right now

Mom: Is pinot fine I’ve been drinking pinot
Aunt Jean: Who is that person on your sofa
Dad: So Pete you made good time
Uncle Pete: It’s an LS hybrid. You should look into one-
Dad: …
Uncle Pete: if you can finance it
Dad [leaving room] MOTHERFUCKER

Ally: Thank you for the sweater, Auntie Jean it’s very large
Aunt Jean: There’s a man sleeping on your sofa
Mom: We coulda hab margaridas buh my son dint buy salt
Ally: Mom where are Todd’s knives
Aunt Jean: A strange man is asleep on your sofa

Todd: That is one butt-ugly sweater
Ally: Dad why is Uncle Pete doing push-ups
Dad [slams cupboard door] THAT BASTARD
Todd: He’s up to 100
Ally: Oh and we lost Todd’s knives
Dad: What knives now JESUS CHRIST

Aunt Jean: You look cozy
Seth: hunh
Aunt Jean: I’m Jean
Seth: …
Aunt Jean: My close friends call me Clover you can call me Clover

Ally: I can’t gauge my hatred for this family
Dad: Your mother is playing with knives
Ally: I mean I could be helping the homeless
Dad: Where’s the goddamn first-aid kit
Seth: I just met some lady named Clover wtf

Dad: Seth you’re still here
Seth: yeah I slept like 8 or 5 or like 9 hours
Dad: Are those my pajamas
Seth: Sir does my hair look crazy or what
Dad: COME AND GET YOUR FRIEND, TODD

Todd: Mom’s on the roof

Ally: Good morning, bird murderers
Mom: I think I slept on the roof last night
Seth: When are we eating cause I gotta watch my blood sugar
Uncle Pete: Just ran 10k UPHILL
Dad: FOR FUCKS SAKE

Dad: Give me a hand with the damn table leaf
Seth: OK sir but u should know I failed wood shop class
Dad: DON’T GET YOUR FINGERS CAUGHT IDIOT
Ally: Whoa mom when did you carve this JFK bust from a log
Todd: She still has my knives

Auntie Jean: I feel fabulous
Seth: What’s up, Clover
Dad: Push the table at the same time as me
Seth: Sir have you met Clover
Dad: GODDAMMIT

Ally: I’m not sitting next to Uncle Pete
Mom: Todd is picking up Grandma
Ally: Grandma Mary or Grandma Janet
Mom: Grandma Janet died
Ally: WHAAAT NOBODY TELLS ME ANYTHING

Todd: Mom I got your sea salt
Mom: Where’s Grandma Mary
Todd: …
Mom: Oh shit
Todd: I’ll retrace my steps

Aunt Jean: Mmmm what did you think
Seth: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is batshit crazy
Aunt Jean: Would you like more brie?
Seth: That’s a totally fucked up movie
Aunt Jean: I got your name tattooed on my ankle

~fin~