Thread by @Wiswell

Batman: You're just too sunny to take seriously.
Superman: I've been trying to emulate you, I swear!
Batman: Have you tried gritty--wait what is that?
*Batman points at a smiley face light projected into the sky*
Superman: The Virtue Signal! *flies off*

I just love the idea of Superman having a Virtue Signal light that shines in the sky, and every time someone tries to explain why it's not cool, he's too busy saving a school bus full of kittens to hear them.

Batman: I gave you a tragic child to build a back story with AND WHAT DID YOU DO?
Superman: *sheepishly* I gave kids at the children's hospital flight rides and we all had a good time.
Batman: ffs clark
Superman: I'm trying I swear!

Batman: There's a riot down there. Show them how tough you are.
Superman: *zips away, is back in ten minutes* Did it!
Batman: You didn't hit any of them.
Superman: They're mad that Luthor was gentrifying the city so I exposed his false records.
Batman: STOP ADDRESSING ROOT CAUSES

Batman: You're bland. What's political about you?
Superman: Nothing. I'm just an undocumented immigrant trying to make this country better.
Batman: ...you need a polarizing secret identity. Have you tried being a tragic billionaire?
Superman: I'm an honest journalist!
Batman: ...

Superman: You think I'm unrelatable?
Batman: Audiences want normal, vulnerable people, not alien gods flying through space.
Superman: What's that behind you?
Batman: *physically hiding the Captain Marvel trailer* don't you have some journalism to do or something

(If you'd like to see what kind of Superman movie I'd actually write, I did an outline in thirty minutes! Hope isn't that hard.) johnwiswell.blogspot.com/2017/11/superm…

Batman: Did you do your grimdark exercises?
Superman: Sorry, I was working on a news story. Crime stats keep worsening in cities with masked vigilantes.
Batman: you should take the afternoon off
Superman: They create their own villains.
Batman: I THINK I HEAR A KITTEN IN A TREE

Batman: You need a believable arch-nemesis. No more aliens.
Superman: Like a narcissistic billionaire who becomes president?
Batman: no like a clown *slams the door behind him*
Superman: WAIT I DIDN'T MEAN YOU COME BACK

Batman: I brought you some cool villains.
Superman: Thanks!
Batman: *showing them off* This is Killer Moth. This is Ventriloquist - his dummy is a mobster.
Superman: ...are these just the ones you don't like?
Batman: Alfred says I have to get rid of them.
Red Hood: I was a Robin!

I'm going to spend the rest of my life reading all of Red Hood's dialogue in Ralph Wiggum's voice.

Batman: Have you got any good feuds with your new villains yet?
Superman: Mr. Freeze and I are solving climate change.
Batman: You're doing it wrong!
Mr. Freeze: Did you know he's literally solar powered?

Batman: why are you reading my files
Superman: One of your bad guys, Poison Ivy, is just trying to stop pollution and environmental problems.
Batman: *squints* We all have our problems.
Superman: D-do you want to talk about it?
Batman: I. WANT. TO. HIT. BAD. GUYS.

Batman: Your problem is that you don't understand pain. When I was a child, my parents were killed.
Superman: That's horrible! You know, when I was a child my home planet blew up.
Batman: IT'S NOT A RACE, CLARK
Red Hood: When I was a child, I was killed!

Batman: Meet my arch-nemesis.
Joker: Hi!
Superman: Hi!
Joker: Want to smell my flower?
Superman: Yes please!
Batman: yeeess
Superman: *Sniffs flower, is sprayed with acid. Blinks.* Sir your flower is leaking.
Joker: oh uh thanks
Batman: ..nooOOOO
Superman: Can I pick you another?

Batman: Normal people are melted by acid flowers!
Superman: Is that a threat people normally face?
Batman: It melted the Batmobile once!
Superman: Do normal people have Batmobiles?
Batman: ...Yes. Yes, they all have them.
Superman: Should I get one?
Batman: YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE