Thread by @erinscafe

You guys.

Roger Stone’s attorney has written a novel. It’s a political thriller.

Please enjoy the blurb.

HOW. IS. THIS. REAL.

Send me this book and I will livetweet it.

WAIT I HAVE KINDLE UNLIMITED

this book is free and I shall livetweet it

for America

By Silent Majority

A Novel By Roger Stone’s Attorney

oh no you guys it’s so bad already help

“Daniel Carlson awoke from a dream- a few seconds later, he registered it as a nightmare. He exhaled hard confirming he was awake. The same dream. The dream was an emotion, not a scene. It was real. The dream did not forsake the laws of science.”

WHAT IS HAPPENING

”The dream was pure feeling engendered by an internal dialogue with himself.”

this is only the prologue and I am absolutely wrecked

oh Jesus he’s switched from past to present tense within the first paragraph

this might actually kill me

“The Silent Majority is a fact-denier. It wants to win to win. Win for power.”

“If you ask the Silent Majority what happens next when America is pure, one man, one religion, one culture, it fails to recognize it’s not even what it thinks it wants to be.”

AM I HAVING A STROKE

Okay Daniel Carlson is president and he had a bad dream.

I think.

Okay so POTUS is wearing maroon silk pajamas and he starts every day with a massage.

This is starting to feel too real.

Oh no.

Oh no.

The morning massage is a ruse.

It’s where he receives top secret reports from...what is absolutely an unconstitutional domestic monitoring program.

Because he can’t trust the intelligence community.

THERE’S A MOLE IN THE FBI.

omg

his secretary accidentally typed massage as message

and...now everyone knows the massages are just a cover for passing illegally obtained sensitive information

oh god

The president just straight up ate the top secret note.

Like he chewed it up and swallowed it.

okay hold up

The Mayor of Spokane was just arrested for possession of cocaine, and suddenly this book has jumped the shark.

Anyone who’s ever been to Spokane, WA knows it would have been meth.

OH MY GOD

THE FBI DIRECTOR IS NAMED STONE

I CANNOT BREATHE

This is straight fanfic and I am deceased.

THE VICE PRESIDENT IS VERY RELIGIOUS AND PRESIDENT CARLSON IS LIKE YEAH YEAH PRAYER IN SCHOOLS BLAH BLAH BLAH YOU’RE JUST HERE TO GIVE ME THE ELECTORAL VOTES IN THE BIBLE BELT

Now President Carlson is generously telling his son he can be any type of lawyer he wants to be. “Just don’t become a balllet dancer.”

Yikes.

The author is working through some serious internalized shit here.

I just read a four-page discussion of abortion that included only men, was offensive af, and ended with one of the characters saying “I’m tired of this issue. Let’s go play golf.”

Oh god.

The president’s secretary is a spitfire who left her abusive husband to work a man she believed in. Even though she’s not really into politics. And she laughs at his locker room talk.

I feel like the writing is terrible, but so is the author.

Flashback to the President and his college friends visiting Jamaica after graduation. They talk about all the women they’re going to sleep with. One reminds them to...feed them a banana after sex to avoid pregnancy. WTF.

HE JUST USED THE WORD NATIVE, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Every description of a woman is...

“She knows that she can fend you off. You just have to change your attitude and maybe she’ll come around.”

“Uh, she’s disgusting. The one with the chubby cheeks and the freckles?”

This is some racist rapist shit.

AHAHAHAHA

President Carlson can’t serve in Vietnam because he has bad knees

when do we get to the espionage, it started out so strong with eating secret messages in massage parlors, and now it’s just one long sad frat boy flashback

“Good friends bail you out of trouble. Great friends are with you when you’re in trouble.”

oh shit Stone’s lawyer is def getting indicted irl you guys

jfc I’m skipping ahead to present day because this is insufferable

Why do old rich white dudes always think their days screwing around at Yale and Harvard were interesting.

“He’s a spook from The Pickle Factory. The Pickle Factory is another name for the CIA.”

oh stfu it just changed to first person narration for two paragraphs for no reason at all IS THIS MAN TROLLING ME

wait I skipped some stuff but I think it’s present day and there’s a serial killer on the loose?

what about the secret massages

omg all the victims are young black men and the main character literally says “the victims being black wouldn’t be much of a motive in court” right after acknowledging a heavy klan presence in the region

You guys I’m starting to think Roger Stone did not hire a very good lawyer.

oh shit this is all still a flashback jfc

ohhhhhh boy it just went from zero to anti-Semitic so fast you guys

aaand we have a third your/you’re error

this book is officially a circle of hell

He’s comparing his father to the evil aspect of the Silent Majority.

Why is every sad white guy hip-deep in daddy issues.

Halfway through this book and he just slut-shamed his daughter then cried about his dad’s death for four pages

what is this book even about

this is like being inside Brett Kavanaugh’s mind

oh god I just realized the President is named after Tucker Carlson

I can’t do this

I have to find some dinner before I skip to the end and figure out what the book is about.

I really need to get back to present day.

Oh shit, he just used the word chinaman.

It’s weird that Roger Stone knows so many racists.

“His resentment wasn’t enough of a reason to run for the highest office in the land. One doesn’t win the presidency out of spite. After all, if he won, he would still have to lead the country.”

my god

even a broken clock, I guess

oh dear god

there’s a sex scene

“She took her sweater off. She was magnificent. She wasn’t wearing a bra and she didn’t have to. Her breasts were awesome, like a nineteen year old girl’s usually were.”

HE IS MAKING A PHONE CALL WHILE SHE GOES DOWN ON HIM

I am not okay right now you guys.

How is all of this still part of the flashback.

“The objectionable actions, solicitations and foibles in our lives make us always regret. But why? None of us thinks we are doing anything wrong at the time we do it.”

“Women are supposed to be the monogamous creatures, and men, the wolves on the hunt.”

Oh Jesus and then there’s a gang rape scene. BUT DON’T WORRY, THE PRESIDENT’S SON FEELS BAD ABOUT IT.

Fuck this pervy old white man rape apologist fantasy bullshit.

Roger Stone is garbage and his lawyer is published garbage. They’re both published garbage actually.

I hope your lawyer goes to jail right alongside you, Roger.

It is absolutely remarkable how Roger Stone’s lawyer is a terrible writer, but has somehow managed to show us everything that’s wrong with masculinity and whiteness in America in one godawful book.

I have skipped to the end for some sense of resolution.

The president’s masseuse is a traitor. The President has been outed as “a homosexual” (dear lord I can only imagine what we skipped).

This entire book is about toxic masculinity.

”But as he went to sleep as a great leader of the nation, he knew he would awake as the same man. The Silent Majority having won.”

I am like 90% sure this guy is not going to help Roger Stone’s case.

The most fucked up part of this whole thing is that the terrible secret was that the President was gay and that’s somehow worse than LITERALLY STEALING AN ELECTION.

Trump’s America.

The moral here is that Donald Trump is President and Roger Stone’s attorney is a novelist so never let anyone tell you that you can’t be whatever you want to be I guess.

OH MY GOD

HE STRAIGHT UP ADMITTED HE GETS HIS IDEAS FROM ROGER STONE