Thread by @JewhadiTM

How to Make It Home in California: Rules for the Modern Odysseus, by @VDHanson bit.ly/2DbIzGj

I drove back from San Francisco not long ago to the rural San Joaquin Valley. It is only 200 miles. But in fact, it can feel like Odysseus trying to get back home to Ithaca from Troy.

Walking to the car in San Francisco was an early morning obstacle course dotted with the occasional human feces and lots of trash. The streets looked like Troy after its sacking. Verbal and physical altercations among the homeless offered background.

The sidewalks were sort of like the flotsam and jetsam in the caves of the Cyclopes, with who knows what the ingredients really were. Outbreaks of hepatitis and typhus are now common among the refuse of California’s major cities.

The rules of the road in downtown San Francisco can seem pre-civilizational: the more law-abiding driver is considered timid and someone to be taken advantage of—while the more reckless earns respect and right of way.

Pedestrians have achieved the weird deterrent effect of so pouring out onto the street in such numbers that drivers not walkers seemed the more terrified.

The 101 freeway southbound was entirely blocked by traffic—sort of like the ancient doldrums where ships don’t move.

About 20 percent of the cars in the carpool lane seemed to be cheating—and were determined not to let in any more of like kind.

The problem with talking on the phone and texting while driving is not just cars, but also semi-trucks, whose drivers go over the white line and weave as they please on the theory that no one argues with 20 tons of freight.

The trip can take over three hours in theory and often longer than six hours in practice. The rub is not just traffic..

Road repair and expansion shuts down lanes (ironically replete with large signs bragging that the construction is proof of your tax dollars at work), often without little warning or guidance. Service stations along the way are usually overcrowded.

Some of their restrooms also are premodern. I once stopped in one that had no toilet seat, one handle remaining on the water fixtures, no toilet paper, but plenty of unmentionables on the floor. In CA, you sometimes request a key to enjoy the privilege of using such hospitality.

How to Make it to Ithaca

For the California driver in the age of the post-apocalypse, the rules of the road and getting home are obvious.

1) Assume that a state with among the highest income, sales and gas taxes has commensurately among the nation’s worst roads.

2) It is wiser not to use the restrooms on any California cross-country drive.

3) Assume “Mad Max” conditions at any time.

4) Another percentage of the drivers seems incensed at the decline of their once Golden State, and they drive in a fit of controlled road rage.

5) Unfortunately, if you must stop and get out of the car, do not talk, smile, or chat with strangers.

6) Do not drive a “nice” car.

7) Do not trust a GPS navigation system on California roads.

8) Do not drive if possible in the fog or snow.

9) Avoid driving after 10 p.m., the start of zombie time.

10) Under no circumstances honk, flip off, or roll down the window at a wild and reckless California driver.