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Jim Jordan yields his time back and then changes his mind and Cummings says, nah and I LIKE THIS NEW COMMITTEE
Cohen sworn in and begins his opening statements which were submitted in advance

So I appear to be live-tweeting today! Quick programming note. I have to bow out for a radio spot on how tenuous abortion rights are right now [ON BRAND!] otherwise I GOTCHU ALL

Actually bringing the receipts is fantastic
The Grift Laid Bare. The Michael Cohen Oversight Committee Testimony
Individual Number One is President Donald J. Trump, Cohen testifies
Cohen testifies that being in Trump's presence was intoxicating which explains much of his cult-like following
I can say with 20000% certainty that Trump is NOT an intoxicant I would ever chose
IPAs and Indicas, obviously
Cohen testifies about Trump's advance knowledge of the WikiLeaks DNC email dump
Cohen also brings in Trump's financials from when he tried to buy the Buffalo Bills

This is a good method of rehabilitating his credibility. Call Cohen a liar all you want but it's real hard to argue with documents
Cohen also brings in the copy of the wire transfer to Cliffords [Stormy Daniels] and Avenatti and it is not even 9:00 am in The Vortex
Lol is Trump going to come back to the country?
The president of the United States wrote a personal check for hush money to advance a criminal scheme to break campaign finance laws, Cohen testifies
These are prepared remarks and Cohen is already getting a little emotional. I am very curious on his pushback to the GOP. It would appear that Mr. Cohen is out of fucks to give
In the event I ever run for office my test scores were above-average and I consistently graduated in the top tier of my schools but nothing really remarkable. I also was involved in the student newspaper and varsity soccer 🤷🏻‍♀️
That line about still being in Vietnam feels like it should have come from a Michael Bay film, tbh
Cohen testifying about how basically Don Jr. is going to go to jai
Cohen now testifying about how Trump thinks Don Jr. is an idiot
Cohen closing his prepared remarks with the threats to his family made by Trump's 'TV attorneys'
I wonder if Guilliani is mad about that shade or thrilled he got a shout out
The answer to that question is probably 'yes'
Quick programming note!

I usually live-tweet Senate hearings and I know all those folks by voice. The House is a WHOLE DIFFERENT BEAST so I'm going to do my best to keep up
Cummings asks Cohen if he understands the gravity of the moment. Says he will not tolerate any of Cohen's nonsense
Cummings starts off with Trump's plans to reimburse Cohen for hush payment to Cliffords

Conversations started before election, Cohen says.
Cummings then asks Cohen about checks issued from Trump Trust. Cohen says Jr. signed the check.

Date on the check is after Trump claims he gave up control of his businesses [waives to the emoluments clause]
It is a very sweaty day for Allen Weisselberg, I think
"There is no doubt in my mind" that Trump knew what he was paying for, Cohen states
Now Jim Jordan up. Quotes a shakedown statement from Cohen where he threatens to "eff" folks up.

Cohen said he made the statements to protect Trump as well as Don Jr. and Ivanka and Eric
Jordan trying to impeach Cohen's credibility with evidence of Cohen failing to pay back taxes
Hahahaha I forgot about the fake Twitter account "Women for Cohen"

These guys

Jordan says the reason Cohen is testifying is because he never got to work in the White House
Jordan tries to talk over Cohen and Cohen won't let him.

Jordan's job here is to piss Cohen off enough he steps all over his own testimony and so far it is not working
Wasserman Schultz up now and wants to talk WikiLeaks

I bet she does
Cohen testifies Trump had advance knowledge of an email dump but didn't know the details of the emails
Cohen testifies that it was certainly possible that the entire Trump family was compromised by the Russians before the election
Cohen testifies that Stone was acting as a free agent rather than an express agent of the campaign
Cohen says he suspects the special counsel's office can corroborate his statements wrt Stone
Cohen testifies that Trump is all about winning and had the potential to collude with a foreign power to win
Cohen backs away from the term "collusion" but says there was something "odd" about the way Trump was always praising the Russians
Final question from Wasserman Schultz: is it likely Trump was aware and willing to work with Russia to win the election

Cohen dodges by saying its under current investigation but also that Trump would do anything to win
Now Rep. Mark Green (R-TN) up and is complaining about a lack of transparency from Democrats which is on brand from Republicans on Oversight
I would like to turn Rep. Green's attention to THE ENTIRE GODDAMN BRETT KAVANAUGH HEARINGS
Green is using his time to complain about how Cummings is managing the hearing which tells you everything you need to know about the Republican strategy here
Finally getting a question from Green which is about Cohen's loss of law license and how he plans to make money

Is there a book deal coming or something like that?
Green now complaining about how he doesn't have much time to ask questions after yelling about Cummings
Green is terrible at this so he yields his time back to Jordan who asks actual questions to Cohen
Now Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) is up
How many times did the president direct you to try and reach settlements with women in 2015 and 2016

Cohen testifies that he'd have to go back and check but it's at least the two we know about
Maloney now has Cohen explain "catch and kill" with outlets like the National Enquirer
Apparently David Pecker and Donald Trump go way back here
Oh fantastic now it is James Comer (R-KY) who is a former banker and asks if it is Trump's fault that Cohen lied to get bank loans
Okay gotta jump out for a different radio spot real quick but I'll be back!

You call Donald Trump a thief, what do you call yourself

Cohen: A fool
Okay I'm back!
And just in time for Rep. Jody Hice (R-GA) so lucky me I guess
Nice wants to know if Cohen coordinated his testimony with the "Democrat" leadership
Hice is genuinely terrible at asking questions
Who is Paying Lanny Davis is the theme of the GOP opposition, it appears
Rep. Stephen Lynch (D-MA) up now and reads all the guilty pleas Mueller has collected and tells Republicans that "their side ran away from the truth" before opening his questions to Cohen
When does Ivanka get a subpoena
I could use some kale chips right now
Cohen addresses the committee writ large and says he doesn't expect them to believe him which is why he brought the documents with him
Jim Jordan, Congressional Waterboy
Mr. Cohen you are a disgraced lawyer says Rep Paul Gosar (R-AZ) says and wants to talk about attorney-client privilege

Cohen just snarks at Gosar and it's not even lunch yet y'all
Gosar suggesting that Cohen is testifying today to lessen his future sentence

Apparently everyone is blowing up Gosar's texts to tell him this
I admit when I joined this trashfire site a decade ago never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be live-tweeting congressional testimony about tweets
Well that's finally over and now Rep. Jim Cooper (D-TN) is up and wants to know Cohen's breaking point and when he started telling the truth

What warning would you give young people who were tempted as you were so they don't abuse their law license like you did is a weird question but then again today is a weird year
Trump is sending the message that this is his country, Cohen says
Everybody's job at the Trump organization was to protect Mr. Trump, Cohen testifies
Quick break on Cohen's request
I'm going to make some toast quick in case I'm a little late
And we're back!

Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-C) up now and wants to talk about lying on documents
Foxx wants Cohen to swear under oath he won't commit to a book or a movie deal which is kind of amazing all things considered
Foxx is very concerned Cohen would join a cable news network after he is out of prison
Foxx yields back to Jordan who is apparently the only GOP rep who is prepared to ask actual questions today
We are not the fact checkers for BuzzFeed is another great line from today OH WHAT A WORLD
Cohen answers to Jordan that he thought he was here to answer questions about President Trump 🤷🏻‍♀️
Rep. Gerald Connolly (D-VA) up now and says that Congress has historically relied on turned witnesses .... which I mean yes that is how a lot of criminal prosecutions work too
Connolly says that White House accidentally released an email that shows POTUS requested meeting with Cohen and Jay Sukelow in May 2017 and wants to know what that meeting was about

Me too
This meeting would have happened just prior to Cohen's first round of Congressional testimony when he lied to protect Trump

Connolly gets Cohen to testify that he talked with Trump about his upcoming testimony
Cohen testifies that Trump didn't "coach" in the traditional sense as much as he projects and gaslights sycophants
Rep. Tom Massie (R-KY) up and tries to establish that Cohen was going rogue to help Trump
Also let me take this moment to say thank you all who have tweeted Gym Jordan because you have brightened my day
Lololol someone tell Rep. Higgins how document retention works
Rep Raja Krishnamoorthi (D-IL)and wants to talk about the Trump organization's use of Non-Disclosure Agreements to silence employees and volunteers
Rep. Krishnamoorthi also gets Cohen to say that nothing happens at the Trump organization without going through Trump first
Krishnamoorthi asks Cohen if he knows if Trump arranged for any abortions [health care procedures] and Cohen says he's not aware of any
Rep. Michael Cloud (R-TX) up now and returns to the theme that Cohen is a spurned former employee who expected to be in the Trump administration
Cloud submits Cohen's sentencing memo in the record
Cloud tells Cohen that going to jail for a couple years and getting a book deal "isn't bad living" And brah, really?
Rep. Mark Meadows jumps in to suggest Cohen lied to committee members in his initial disclosure on foreign contacts
Cummings gavels Meadows out of order and tells him to wait his turn

Now Raskin is up and says the GOP is mad because Cohen has stopped lying on Trump's behalf
Raskin is not here for any of the Republican bullshit
I think David Pecker might be getting a subpoena
deleting that tweet and fixing a typo
Cohen suggests some of the catch and kill stories were about something OTHER than women

Cohen testifying that Sukelow changed his initial testimony to Congress so that's interesting
Rep. Glenn Grotham is totes offended anyone would suggest Trump wasn't serious about his presidential run
Rep. Rouda (D-FL) detailing Trump's lies under oath about ties to convicted Russian mobster Felix Sater

Trump gave Sater Cohen's former office in Trump Tower
Cohen testifies that the Trump Organization would have documents detailing the relationship between Trump at Sater
It's gonna rain subpoenas after today
Rep. Justin Amash basically asks Cohen if Cohen is such a bad lawyer why did he hire him
Amash makes a fatal flaw here by giving Cohen an open mic to explain how Trump gets folks to lie and purger themselves for Trump
Amash asks Cohen what is the one truth Trump fears the most and seems sincerely interested in the answer
Rep. Katie Hill (D-CA) up now and notes that she's from a purple district and comes from generations of service members who swore to uphold the constitution
Rep. Hill bringing a different kind of gravitas right now
I am new to Rep. Hill but she did very well
Rep. Bob Gibbs (R-OH) is very upset we are calling Trump a racist while he is overseas trying to make this world a better place
Gibbs wants everyone to know Trump is a very sincere* man

*sincere about his racism
Gibbs asks Cohen if Trump is so bad why did he work for him for so long
Okay sorry got a call WHICH RUDE WHO DOES THAT but back to Rep. Sarbanes who is asking important questions about Sukelow but is kind of droning

Cohen testifies that the lawyer for Javanka probably reviewed his previous congressional testimony in addition to Sukelow

The goal was to stay on message, Cohen said
Sarbanes notes the behavior Cohen describes is the same Trump displays every day

Now wants to talk about the inauguration committee
Rep. Clay Higgins (R-LA) opens his questions by quoting scripture
Higgins is a prosecutor and I'm just going to leave that there
That man is creepy
Rep. Peter Welch (D-VT) up now and wants to talk about Stone and WikiLeaks
Rep. Ralph Norman (R-SC) up now and wants to know if Cohen is just having a sads because he got caught
Rep. Norman appears confused as to what a wiretap is and what it is used for
It's quite something to listen to Republican members of Congress clutch pearls over shady bank schemes, I'll tell ya
Rep. Jackie Speier up and immediately gets Cohen to commit to looking for/providing a copy of his original congressional testimony pre-Sukelow edit

Is there a love child, Speier asks

Not to my knowledge, Cohen says
We are going to take a break and Rep. Cummings offers an algebra equation for when we are to return and sir, I object
But I am DEFINITELY not as chuffed as Rep. Carol Miller (R-WV) who opens by letting the committee know just how disappointed she is in everyone here today
Miller is APPALLED that we are not focusing on things like building a wall or prosecuting pregnant people for using drugs
Miller's pearls finally come undone from all the clutching as she yields the remainder of her time back to Jordan
Rep. Robin Kelly (D-IL) up now and asks for more details on the Daniels payment
Cohen testifies that Trump knew about the payments and how and where to hide the payments
Rep. Kelly Armstrong (R-ND) up now and says Cohen is ignoring attorney-client privilege by offering up the tapes to Congress

Cohen notes those tapes are already in the possession of law enforcement
Sorry got pulled into an abortion thing: The Jess Pieklo Story

Back to the Cohen hearing
Cohen reminds us that a Liberty University employee was rigging online polls for Trump
Rep. Greg Steube (R-FL) up now and signs his name to the list of Republicans who are very disappointed in today's proceedings
Rep. Brenda Lawrence (D-MI) is not here for you having A Black Friend 💥
Rep. Chip Roy (R-TX) up now and he's actually questioning the witness. Not about Trump. But still these are questions and that's a change
Roy reminds me a little bit of Mike Lee tbh
Okay now Roy starts to speechify
And he's speechifying about the wall
Yessss Rep. Stacey Plaskett notes that it is possible for Congress to handle more than one thing at a time

The Black women in Congress are having NOT A FUCKING BIT OF IT
Okay we're on break for about an hour or so by Congressional algebra
And we're back!
Did everyone hydrate? Grab some snacks?
Cummings starts off with the dust up over Cohen's disclosure on the truth in testimony form. Cohen says his attorneys feel he answered truthfully
Meadows now says the only way to answer this question [of a truthful disclosure] is for Cohen to give over all proof of his foreign payments

Republicans now very concerned about foreign meddling
Rep. Ro Khanna (D-CA) starts off with what he calls the "smoking gun document," a copy of a check issued to Cohen from the Trump Trust
Calls the payment garden variety financial fraud
Are you telling us the president directed transactions as part of a criminal conspiracy for financial fraud, Khanna states

Yes, Cohen says

Is this part of the S.D.N.Y. investigation Khanna asks

I'd rather not say, Cohen says
That was a very good use of time by Khanna
Now it's Rep. Jimmy Gomez (D-CA) who asks if Trump was really under audit when he refused to release his returns

Cohen says he doesn't know
Gomez making the point that historically releasing tax returns has been tied to proving that a candidate/nominee does not have financial interests that could be compromised
Now Meadows is reading tweets into the record

AOC up now asks about Trump providing inflated assets to insurance companies and wants to know where to find those documents

At the Trump Org, Cohen states

That sound you hear in the background now is a subpoena being drafted
Now asks about Trump improperly devaluing his assets to avoid paying taxes

Conservative media is going to go bananas over all of this
AOC frames some of these questions specific to Trump investments in New York which maybe state investigators are listening in I dunno
Rep. Ayanna Pressley up now

Well let there be light, she says referring to the point of the oversight committee
Pressley brings up the Trump Foundation and its self dealing
Cohen now testifying of other instances of Trump self-dealing beyond the staw buyer of the Trump portrait
Pressley's open might have been a little awkward but that close was pretty great
Rep. Rashida Tlaib up now
Sorry Ripley just lost her damn mind so I didn't hear any of Tlaib's opening statement
Tlaib calls out the racist act of bringing in a Black woman and having her stand up to say Trump isn't racist.

Meadows flips.

Tlaib reads her statements back and submits it back for the record.
We are gonna get actual white tears folks

Wow, y'all. This is a mini-course on white fragility
Well that escalated like one of my family's holiday dinners
Also I'm closing none of my circles today damnit
Hashtag sexy
Closing remarks from Cohen

Thanks the Chairman

Returns to his mea culpas
Cohen says if Trump loses in 2020 he fears there won't be a peaceful transition of power
Gym Jordan up now for closing remarks and details what he sees as Cohen conflicting testimony today
Jordan is real upset about Rosenstein and the possibility of a 25th Amendment inquiry to remove Trump
Cummings up now with his closing statements
He's really not having this line from the GOP that today was the 'first hearing' of the Committee

"When we are dancing with the angels, the question will be in 2019, what did you do to preserve the integrity of democracy?...with that this meeting is adjourned" says Cummings
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