Thread by @erinscafe

Cohen just walked in. Here we go.

Rep. Meadows wants to postpone the hearing because Cohen didn’t provide his testimony 24 hours in advance.

omg he’s yelling

It’s 10 am.

They could at least be better actors. This is bananas.

Jordan: we just want to follow the rules

Cummings: reclaiming my time

“Everyone of us in this room has a duty to serve as a check on the Executive Branch.”

“The American people, btw, voted for accountability in November.” - Rep. Cummings

They’re not limiting questions to Cohen’s testimony.

This should be fun.

“Mr. Chairman, your chairmanship will always be identified by this hearing.”

Jordan says that like it’s a bad thing.

For someone who was aware of his athletes being sexually abused and chose to do nothing, Jim Jordan seems real offended to have a felon in the room.

Jordan yields his time, then changes his mind and wants it back.

Lmao what happened to the rules.

“I lied to Congress”

Cohen says pled, not pleaded.

I hope he’s been indicted on this count as well.

So far, Cohen’s been fairly restrained. I expected more crocodile tears. Makes Meadows’ opening tantrum look even more unhinged.

President Donald Trump telling Michael Cohen his hush money reimbursement check is in the mail is quite the thing.

Michael Cohen got some solid help prepping for this hearing. I was sure he was going to overdo this testimony, which easily could have been melodramatic. But his delivery is sober and calm.

Cummings: you’re a lawyer right

Cohen: as of yesterday, I am no longer a lawyer

Cohen says Allen Weisselberg, Trump Org CFO, was there and signed off on the reimbursement checks for the Stormy Daniels payoff.

And he says Don Jr. would have “cursory information” about the deal.

Jim Jordan saying effing is the actual worst.

Jordan coming at Cohen over tax evasion is...quite the choice.

“hashtag TGIF hashtag handsome hashtag sexy”

this is going to kill me

Jordan’s argument here seems to be that the women for Cohen twitter account is proof that Cohen did not lie for Donald Trump.

“Mr. Trump’s desire to win would have him work with anyone.”

I swear to god if no one asks him what the SAT scores were

67,000 people are watching this hearing on C-SPAN’s YouTube channel.

Comer: Mr. Cohen, you call Donald Trump a cheat. What would you call yourself?

Cohen: a fool

Meadows begins by bringing up Lynn Patton, standing right behind him.

He is straight up using Donald Trump’s black friend as a visual aide. I cannot.

The whole stunt with Patton is appalling.

Lynne Patton made a video in May of 2016 called The Trump Family I Know – A Black Female Trump Executive Speaks Out.

Her main job appears to be telling everyone Trump can’t be racist because she works for him.

She started as an unpaid director at Eric Trump’s charity, and helped with event planning and casting Celebrity Apprentice.

So now she obvs works at HUD, dealing with housing policy.

Meadows is gonna have a cardiac event if he doesn’t chill tf out.

Lynch yelling at Hice about the past two years is a MOOD.

Cohen says he spent the past week searching boxes for documents “so you don’t have to take my word for it.”

Gosar lost his place looking for a quote to read and then ran out out of time and I choked on my lucky charms laughing.

“What warning would you give young people who might be tempted as you were”

wtf are these garbage questions

Cohen ranting about the decline of civility.

That ain’t it chief.

WaPo’s feed is significantly better quality than C-SPAN, but you have to listen to interviews during the break.

On the other hand, the fast pushes by the camera op are hilarious and dramatic and everything I need today.

Rep. Foxx asks Cohen if he’s testifying to stay in the public spotlight and asks him to commit under oath to not making any money off a book or movie deal about his experiences working for the president.

Cohen: No.

Cohen: “we are not the fact-checkers for buzzfeed”

Cohen points out that not one question from republicans has been about Trump. “I thought that’s why I was here.”

My god, they’re all so bad at asking questions.

Democrats, pull it together.

Massie grilling Cohen on whether or not he was a good lawyer.

The man’s been disbarred, so, I think we can safely say he wasn’t that great.

“When were you disbarred?”

“Yesterday, from what I read in the paper.”

Finally getting to some questions about NDAs.

Cloud: There’s a lot we don’t know in regards to this administration.

Me: with regard to, WITH REGARD TO

Cloud now asks Cohen to commit to donating proceeds from hypothetical book sales to charity.

Cohen: No.

Meadows is losing his shit.

WHY ARE WE ASKING COHEN TO EXPLAIN CATCH AND KILL AGAIN

Cohen says Pecker got stiffed by Trump too.

The man owes everyone money.

Meadows: with regards to

me: WITH REGARD TO, MY GOD, THERE’S NO S

this entire hearing is designed to troll me

Meadows bringing up Cohen’s omission of foreign contacts on a form is a bold choice during the Trump Administration.

Lmao. Cohen says one of the things he initially helped Trump with was fixing one of Don Jr.’s business mistakes regarding a licensing deal. 😂😂😂

Amash: what is the truth Trump fears most?

Cohen is speechless

Cohen: idk, that’s a really hard question

who is the bald guy meadows just winked at

why is everyone being so weird

Can someone please gif me that Meadows wink, I don’t want to carry this burden alone.

Several Republicans have made the argument that Cohen kept working for Trump even though he was awful, and because of that, Cohen cannot he trusted.

How.

How are they so bad at this.

Just FYI: if you’re gonna make this point, it needs to end with “you stayed with him for ten years, so Trump must not have been that bad.”

Which then proves to us that Cohen does have standards?

So, maybe don’t touch this point at all, fellas.

Cohen just said that Abbe Lowell, attorney for Jared and Ivanka, among others, saw his false testimony before he provided it to Congress and may have provided edits.

I’m sure he appreciates the shoutout.

Higgins is quoting the Bible and talking about how Cohen reminds him of the thousands of other men he’s arrested.

Higgins: well I didn’t know who you were until today really

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING

I’m sorry, we cannot go on with this hearing until Representative Higgins explains to us how he managed to show up to this hearing this morning with no knowledge of who Michael Cohen is.

The craziest part of this is how the Republicans are acknowledging that Cohen lied to Congress. They’re just trying to say he did it for his own benefit.

Cohen: I’ve never been to Prague.

lmao Cohen is trying to ascertain which elevator tape Speier is referring to

Speier: is there a love child

Cohen: not to my knowledge

Speier: how many times did Trump ask you to threaten people on his behalf, 50 times?

Cohen: more

Speier: 100 times?

Cohen: more

Speier: 200 times

Cohen: more

Speier: 500 times

Cohen: about that

Republicans being so offended at the thought that Cohen might share already seized tapes of conversations with his clients is...telling

I mean, we’re talking Sean Hannity here, right?

Because I definitely want to hear those tapes.

Cohen: I don’t think there’s anyone out there who believes I paid $130k all on my own

Rep. Lawrence is pushing back on Meadows parading Lynne Patton around as a token to absolve Trump of his racism.

Why aren’t any cameras cutting to Matt Gaetz while Lawrence talks about witness intimidation. C’mon.

Jesus how many Red Bulls has Roy had.

Chip Roy managed to bring in MS-13 in a rant that ended without a question.

He’s definitely getting a gold star from Trump.

LMAO Cohen says he was a Democrat until Steve Wynn made him switch parties because it didn’t look right for the RNC vice chair of finance to not be a Republican.

Every woman on this committee, Democrat and Republican, are vastly more competent at questioning witnesses than any of the men.

Right now, over lunch, someone is still trying to explain the boxes of evidence to Higgins.

The whole thing about whether or not Cohen wanted a job at the White House is weird. Weird for the GOP to treat it like checkmate, and weird for Cohen to be so emphatic in his responses if it’s not the absolute truth. It feels like the kind of pissing contest Trump can’t resist.

The weirdest part of this whole thing is how Republicans want us to think we shouldn’t listen to Cohen because he might be lying, as if the man was any good at lying the first time around.

We’re back.

Aaaaand Cohen was right. The form asked for payments from foreign governments. He offers to disclose payments from other entities of the committee has a different interpretation.

Rep. Ro Khanna asks if Cohen thought it was weird that a payment came from Trump’s trust, rather than his personal account.

Cohen responds that he was honestly just happy to get paid.

Jimmy Gomez finally asking about Trump’s tax audit!!

Cohen says he presumes Trump is not under audit.

If we’ve learned anything from this hearing, it’s that our representatives should probably spend more time preparing for five minutes of public speaking.

Meadows is now reading tweets into the public record while Jordan is asking the committee to accept a Salon article.

Their aides def did not get lunch.

Lmao AOC just got more done in her first two minutes than 90% of the committee.

Prepare your shit.

I’m not even out here saying she’s a genius, I’m just saying she has clear goals, and she prepared her questions to be efficient and clear, and to provoke specific answers. She’s providing a basis to go after Trump’s taxes, and to subpoena other witnesses. All in less than 5 min.

Ayanna Pressley doing the exact same thing.

They make the old guard on both sides look inept af.

Oh shit, Meadows talking over Cummings to demand he recognize that Meadows is not racist is...holy shit.

This is the craziest shit I have ever seen.

In case you’re wondering, yes, an old white dude brought the hearing to a screeching halt because he thought someone called him a racist for parading Trump’s token black friend in front of the committee.

Cummings is using his closing remarks to essentially tell us this country is better than the current shit show we find ourselves in.

I hope he’s right.