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Aries Princess Miss Piggy 🎂♈👑
@bettiejess
, 51 tweets, 4 min read Read on Twitter
Finally watching Aquaman and I have some thoughts...
The first ten minutes are... Splash?
Voldemort comes to take Nicole Kidman back to the sea.
Why exactly wasn't Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson Aquaman's lighthouse owning father? I need some answers.
Apparently 10-year-old Aquaman/Harry Potter can control fish/snakes at the aquarium/zoo. Just waiting for them to show his bedroom under the stairs/at the top of the lighthouse...
Fast forward to some terrible optics, even for 2018 - two black pirates attack a Russian spy submarine and somehow the Russians are the victims saved by Aquaman
HOW DOES EVERYONE ALREADY KNOW WHO AQUAMAN IS?
Patrick Wilson has arrived to audition for the role of Eric Northman on True Blood. WHAT. A. WIG.
Apparently if you deal with people from Atlantis they only pay you in gold dubloons.
Amber Heard has arrived as Ariel/Underwater Poison Ivy with zero context to demand Aquaman come back to help fight the sea war...
Patrick Wilson has created some sort of tantrum tsunami and thrown all the trash back on land to declare war/make a sweeping statement about the environmental impact of garbage...
And there's Asian Jim from The Office throwing truth bombs about the Atlanteans involvement in the feelings tsunami - WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS MOVIE?!!
Don't worry everyone, Willem DaFoe has arrived with some very weird hair and makeup to tell us about Aquaman's powers...
Amber Heard came back to drive Aquaman to Water Town in her cartoon fish car
What in the Thor is this "bridge" to Atlantis?? Are those Lazar Sharks guarding the entrance????!
Willem DaFoe is hiding in the sunken ship from the Little Mermaid... Amber Heard's Ariel look makes more sense now...
Obviously there was no budget left for Aquaman himself so Jason Mamoa just provided his won jeans, leather cuffs, and heavy silver rings...
For Patrick Wilson they just jammed him into an old C-3PO suit...
Patrick Wilson's dick.
They definitely spent way too much of their budget on water-hair CGI
THIS MOVIE IS UNDERWATER THOR.
The pacing of this movie is atrocious.
Oh hey, an octopus playing the drums...
Patrick Wilson broke Nicole Kidman's trident - RUDE!!!
Oh yeah, we're just going to hitch a ride in a whale's mouth...
Aaaand now they're doing the intro from Ex On The Beach....
ANOTHER COVER OF TOTO'S AFRICA?!?!!!!! I AM RILED!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE?!!!????!!!!!!!!!!!
This Party City Ariel wig they have Amber Heard in is killing me....
Hologram Patrick Wilson just gave the pirate-out-for-revenge some kind of left over Star Wars gun on the beach from Pirates of Caribbean...
ONE OF THE ATLANTIS MINIONS JUST FILLED THE GUN WITH WATER FROM A CONCH SHELL
Why is the Revenge Pirate modifying his Star Wars ocean gun in some tech lab from The Matrix?! WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS MOIVE?!!!
The terrible script and unnecessary CGI is distracting from all the sexy guys in this movie and I don't like it. Honestly, they should have just made this Underwater Magic Mike and left it at that...
Now we have a literal fish-out-of-water market-strolling scene lifted from The Little Mermaid/Beauty and the Beast
My mother walks in halfway through this movie during the market scene: "Is this The Littler Mermaid??"
PATRICK WILSON JUST STABBED THE FISH MONSTER FROM THE SHAPE OF WATER.
It is almost sad how seriously Patrick Wilson, Amber Heard, and Willem DaFoe are taking this movie...
"I AM BLACK MANTA" No need to remind us this isn't a Marvel property, no one would mistake it as such.
All the Atlanteans are wearing Iron Man suits on land and can be killed by punching in their helmets like astronauts in space...
AMBER HEARD IS PLAYING A WOODEN RECORDER ON SOME BOAT SHE STOLE FROM THE SICILIAN MARINA
Yet another outfit from Jason Mamoa's closet...
The entrance to the Kingdom of the Trench looks like a vagina...
IS THE KINGDOM OF THE TRENCH JURASSIC PARK?!!!
NICOLE KIDMAN HAS BEEN LIVING IN JURASSIC PARK FOR 20 YEARS
Are you seriously telling me that Jason Mamoa is going to fight Ursula wearing khakis??
This movie is some King Arthur bullshit that has lifted from EVERY Disney property and I am not impressed.
My mother is DRAGGING this movie and I am LIVING FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The final battle scene in Aquaman:
Until Khal Drago rolled in on a mother fucking kaiju...
Literally no one:

The Aquaman movie:
GIVE ME NICOLE KIDMAN'S SILVER SPARKLE DRESS IMMEDIATELY - I HAVE FOUND MY SUMMER AESTHETIC
Fully expecting "Under the Sea" to star playing over the credits...
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