Profile picture
Sam Sykes
@SamSykesSwears
, 13 tweets, 2 min read Read on Twitter
if you meet an old man in a cave and he offers you a sword, definitely take it
life is about to get fuckin sweet
same if a woman in a lake gives you a sword, take that shit
she would want you to use it to fuck a dragon up
if a bleeding old dude offers you a sword and raspily implores you to avenge him and then dies, definitely do take that sword
avenging him will take like what? A month? tops? and then you have a free sword
if you find a sword in a stone, you know you better take that sword
who put that sword there? who knows? but he fuckin kicked that stone's ASS
if a demon, devil, or other Denizen of the Pit offers you a sword, take that fuckin sword
is it cursed?
as shit
but you're an adult and you deserve an adult sword
if an angel offers you a sword, you better fuckin take that sword
it is blessed as balls and chances are 100% that you are about to smite a wyrm or a helltoad
if a ghost offers you a sword, you absolutely must take that sword
you are about to go fuckin Myakkan SkunkApe on some specters and ghouls and possibly even a dracula
now I bet you're wonderin if you should take a sword if a giant offers it to you?
honestly, yes, because he is probably going to put you through some kind of fucking trial of worthiness for it and both you and he know you're gonna use it to mess him up once you've got it
should you take a sword if holding it aloft turns you into a loincloth-clad ultra buff version of yourself? fuck yes you should
even if that weren't totally sweet you get to ride a giant god damned cat and that is everything ben franklin dreamed of
if a cat, beaver, owl, raccoon, vole, stag, wolf or some other forest creature is trying to give you a sword, you're probably high as hell but yeah take that sword just in case you aren't
if some goblins forge a sword for you from the finest starmetals to wield against the Unseelie King?
yes, fucker, that’s called being a good host. You take that sword. They worked hard on that sword. You take it.
same but double goes for if it happens to be Dwarves that forge the sword for you
they understand that you are about to either fuck up a troll or gruffle some pizza and they want to be a part of it. Fuckin take that sword.
goes without saying that if a wizard gives you a sword, you better take that sword and you better make some magic-ass enemies so go fuckin pick a fight with a displacer beast because this is LIFE
Missing some Tweet in this thread?
You can try to force a refresh.

Like this thread? Get email updates or save it to PDF!

Subscribe to Sam Sykes
Profile picture

Get real-time email alerts when new unrolls are available from this author!

This content may be removed anytime!

Twitter may remove this content at anytime, convert it as a PDF, save and print for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video

1) Follow Thread Reader App on Twitter so you can easily mention us!

2) Go to a Twitter thread (series of Tweets by the same owner) and mention us with a keyword "unroll" @threadreaderapp unroll

You can practice here first or read more on our help page!

More from @SamSykesSwears see all

Profile picture
Sam Sykes
@SamSykesSwears
what if the real twist is that all this time Thanos had a fatal weakness to arrows
*twang!*
“OW! FUCK! Man, that stings! Wait no don’t shoot another—“
*twang*
“ARGH! STOP! That’s really dangerous! You could put someone’s—“
*twang*
“AAAAAAAAHHHH MY EYE WHAT DID I JUST SAY”
“Thanos? What’s going on? The pizza’s here and—“
“ERIC! GET BACK IN THE HOUSE! THEY’VE GOT ARROWS!”
“Huh?”
*twang*
“AAAAAAAUUUGH! MY EYE!”
“HE GOES FOR THE EYES, ERIC! GET THE SAFETY GOGGLES!”
Read 8 tweets
Profile picture
Sam Sykes
@SamSykesSwears
like tinder, except for meeting eldritch beings who will free you from your fleshy prisons and awaken you to the horrifying truths of the cosmos
meet Akh-Zinth-Lokth, the unhallowed, many-limbed serpent that dwells in the frigid moments you awaken from a nightmare
it craves worship and, in exchange, it will utter the last name of the last king to ever wield power justly to you
it also likes anime
proffer greetings and sympathies to Gorthamon the Accursed, the creature of sinew and bone who transcended mortal frailty to become the query and the verdict to the questions false gods fear to answer
he doesn’t drive so you’ll have to pick him up from work
Read 4 tweets
Profile picture
Sam Sykes
@SamSykesSwears
john madden fervently describing the siege of minas tirith
john madden fervently describing the battle of the death star
john madden breathlessly describing the plot of Kingdom Hearts
Read 8 tweets

Related threads

Profile picture
The Wombat Resists
@UrsulaV
I need to think about something other than upcoming travel, so who wants a live read of the weirdest children’s book of 1903?
This marvel is none other than Frances Trego Montgomery’s THE WONDERFUL ELECTRIC ELEPHANT which is a story about a sociopath and his mechanical elephant-shaped RV.
It is racist, imperialist, and innocent of even the faintest comprehension of geography, and also apparently kids were real jerks in 1903.

Weirdly enough, if the internet is to be believed, it was illustrated by the man who would go on to create Dogs Playing Poker.
Read 68 tweets
Profile picture
Richard
@Shadumura
TONIGHT! REVELATIONS! AMBUSHES! DEBAUCHERY!
Fist of Fangs and Friends were quite busy!
We come to our heroes, having made camp next to Fang as he recovered from the mold ordeal. They spent the night resting and on watch, as the bugs removed the mold that befell Fang, overnight.
In the morning, the group wakes up as usual... cept for Fang. Exhaustion had drained him, making him even more of a heavy sleeper. Fang mumbles in his sleep about Foot in Shadow not tending to smoke pit, Fang getting bitten by insects, before waking up and realizing where he was.
Fang, having survived the worst of it and realizes where he was, was beset by his companions, wanting to make sure he is alright. Though exhaustion was removed, his limbs were still drained of energy, making him unable to fight properly. After having rations, he felt lil better.
Read 67 tweets
Profile picture
Ahmad Salkida
@A_Salkida
ZAMFARA IN THE LAST 7 DAYS:
Thread...

Zamfara state in the last seven days is reeling helplessly, practically soaked in its own blood. Over 100 were reportedly slaughtered with as much number abducted. Some 20 students in a Madarasa are among the abducted.
The terrorists, on 27 February, 2019, invaded Kawaye village in Bagega, Anka Local government area. Witnesses report that the gunmen claimed that they came on vengeance over the killing of their members by vigilantes. They razed down houses, vehicles and everything in their way.
Kawaye village in #Bagega alone, in the course of the 27 February invasion, 13 were killed and 42 persons abducted. It was designed to be a strong message to other communities that may stand on its way.
Read 25 tweets
Profile picture
✡️ Josh Shahryar ☪️
@JShahryar
Oh god. This story makes me so angry. The fucking nerve and audacity of this asshole. This is not a tragedy... Not at all. He was a genocidal asshole and I wish worse had happened to him. Death just is not enough. Let me tell you why.
North Sentinel Island is a tiny little island in the Bay of Bengal, part of the Andaman and Nicobar Islands territory of India. The population is mainly entirely Native tribes and has lived on these islands for thousands if not tens of thousands of years and extremely unique.
The Andamanese and (Sentinalese people as part of them) are so distinct that their language, culture and genetically, that when they were first met, not only could no one figure out their language or connect their culture to other cultures, thousands of them died of disease.
Read 48 tweets
Profile picture
Deplorable Steve🇺🇸
@1776PatHenry
You hear a lot in America about the "war on women," but it's men in America who are failing. We have some shocking statistics:
The signs are everywhere. If you’re a middle aged man, you probably know a peer who has killed himself in recent years. At least one. If you’re a parent, you may have noticed that your daughter’s friends seem a little more on the ball than your son’s. They get better grades. They
smoke less weed. They go to more prestigious colleges. If you’re an employer, you may have noticed that your female employees show up on time, whereas the young men often don’t. And of course if you live in this country, you’ve just seen a horrifying series of mass shootings, far
Read 38 tweets
Profile picture
Tara Navarro
@Tara_Navarro
I'm a fan of the original Twilight Zone, and it is one of the early TV shows that had strong social commentary. Of course, some of the episodes were more heavy-handed than others. I often agree with the message either way.
I just got done watching for the first time, "The Old Man in the Cave". It is a post atomic story about the remaining few hundred humans in the world living in a radioactive waste. It focuses on a small group of individuals who have survived the past 10 years by listening to
The eponymous old man in the cave. A group of raiders who may or may not have been soldiers at one point come to the town and attempt to take it over. The leader of the group explains about the old man in the cave, and the raiders don't believe him.
Read 11 tweets

Trending hashtags

#Sokoto #dividing #OSHO #love #tekookau #Facts #woman #IranRegimeChange #taeookau #taekookaucomplete #beautiful #takookau #Brexit #hate #Lorestan #wrong #opposites #result #NoWaterNoVote #taekookau #Saudi #indyref #life #stressed #outlet
Follow Us on Twitter!

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!

This site is made by just three indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member ($3.00/month or $30.00/year) and get exclusive features!

Become Premium

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal Become our Patreon

Thank you for your support!