Thread by @FrankMPaul

Here we go!

Only Connect Fan Fiction Episode 1: Karaoke Fans vs Unremarkable Civilians

ROUND 1: CONNECTIONS

The Unremarkable Civilians are first to choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

LION

CLUE 1:
Most sky lanterns lit simultaneously

CLUE 2:
Most wins in elephant polo world championships

CLUE 3:
Driving around the world at the highest speed

CLUE 4:
Heaviest pets

Helen works out the connection with a fraction of a second to go. Her teammates give her the swiftest of glances, and they grunt in lieu of congratulation.

The Karaoke Fans pick their hieroglyph.

EYE OF HORUS
CLUE 1:
Candle Jack

CLUE 2:
Beetlejuice

CLUE 3:
Candyman

CLUE 4:
Bloody Mary

They pick a hieroglyph.

TWO REEDS
CLUE 1:
General Love and Happiness

CLUE 2:
Retrogradely Giving It All Away

CLUE 3:
Presbyterians Hold It Against Me

CLUE 4:
Narcoleptic Layla

While the men mutter, Helen identifies the connection after three clues. Victoria asks them to sing, and they shift uncomfortably before launching into a faint, drawn-out groan.
“If those brutes get a recording contract, I’ll tear my hair out,” whispers Judith.

It’s the Karaoke Fans’ turn.

WATER
CLUE 1:
Gozo

CLUE 2:
Tamaulipas

CLUE 3:
British Columbia

CLUE 4:
Seychelles

It takes four clues for the Karaoke Fans to spot the connection. “We have to sing something!” whispers Judith. “Does anyone know the Seychelles national anthem?” “We could make one up,” suggests Nefertiti.

“We can’t do that!” says Adelita. “What if we go on tour there? They’ll ignore all our rider clauses in revenge.”

The Unremarkable Civilians take their turn.

HORNED VIPER

CLUE 1:

CLUE 2:

CLUE 3:

They can’t identify the connection – but neither can the Karaoke Fans, who take on the final question of the round.

TWISTED FLAX

CLUE 1:
Stanley Willett (for playing in Montreal Victorias squad)

CLUE 2:
Harvey Pekar (for co-writing Our Cancer Year)

CLUE 3:
Tony Kushner (for writing Angels in America)

CLUE 4:
Oscar Hammerstein II (for writing the lyrics to “The Last Time I Saw Paris” and “It Might as Well be Spring”)

ROUND 2: SEQUENCES

“In Round 2, identify what comes fourth in the sequence. Please choose your... candy floss?” The Egyptian hieroglyphs have been replaced by six identical images of candy floss. John indicates the one on the top left.

CANDY FLOSS

CLUE 1:
Roman spear

CLUE 2:
Successor to so

CLUE 3:
Between XP and 7

CANDY FLOSS

CLUE 1:

CLUE 2:

CLUE 3:

CANDY FLOSS

CLUE 1:
5: Online media

CLUE 2:
4: Press

CLUE 3:
3: Common people

“What do we do?” asks Ted.
“We bide our time,” says John. “Wait for them to make a move.”
As they mutter intensely, Helen gives the right answer after three clues.

The Karaoke Fans face the next question.

CANDY FLOSS

CLUE 1:
Gaynor and March

CLUE 2:
Garland and Mason

CLUE 3:
Streisand and Kristofferson

Nefertiti buzzes after just one clue – she’s quite right! She and Judith plead with Adelita to sing something. Adelita agrees: they’ll sing a medley of “Over the Rainbow”, “People” and “Me and Bobby McGee”, provisionally entitled “Over the Bobby McRainpeople” –

but in the time it has taken them to conceive and arrange this medley, Helen is already giving the answer to the next question! Blast!

CANDY FLOSS

CLUE 1:
Management of international relations

CLUE 2:
Certificate for completing course of study

CLUE 3:
Skrillex collaborator

Helen solves the puzzle after three clues. She concludes by humming a tune by the Skrillex collaborator while doing a Peter Crouch-style robot dance, while Victoria smiles indulgently and her teammates and opponents eye her with equal hostility.

The Karaoke Fans face the final question.

CANDY FLOSS

CLUE 1:
Masochism

CLUE 2:
Sanctions

CLUE 3:
Dessinée

ROUND 3: CONNECTING WALL

The Karaoke Fans are first to face the wall. It reads:

After a tense few minutes they emerge with 6 points. They are about to chorus “Get Back” when the Special Agents march in. “We can’t wait another second!” yells John. “Every moment when we’re not battling the bad guys is like fire ants in our brains!”

“Let’s see what these terror-idiots have in store for us,” snarls Ted.
The screen shows this wall:

ROUND 4: MISSING VOWELS

Disney films merged with 20th century literature:
BT YNDT HBS TFDN
PTRP NN FGR NG BLS
FRZ NN DTHR TFM TRCY CLMN TNNC
THF X NDT HHN DFT HB SKR VLLS

Helen’s fingers are as swift as her mind. She answers the first three questions, but for the fourth question John buzzes in and roars, “Victory!” “What? Isn’t that how this game works?” he responds to her affronted glare. “Don’t you just press that button and shout stuff?”

It’s thrown over to the Karaoke Fans, who get a bonus point.

They are found on the Radcliffe Red List of Endangered Crafts:
FR RRY
LCR SSS TCKMK NG
HR RST WDW VNG
CR CHT

Helen answers three questions; the Karaoke Fans get the other.

Maria’s favourite things with two words swapped round:
WHS KR SNRSSN DRN DR PSNK TTNS
SL VRW HTSPRN GSTH TML TNTWN TRS
BRGH TWLL NKT TL SNDWRM CP PRMT TNS
WL DG STH TMNWT HT HFL YNTH RWN GS

THE END

#OnlyConnect