Thread by @michaelharriot

Thread: Eff the debates. Imma just translate what the candidates are saying into what I hear

Beto: Hey Hispanic people, I took Spanish in the 10th grade so I ain’t gonna answer the question, I’mma just say shit in Espanyol!

Corey Booker: I’m the only person on stage ho lives around black people.

Elizabeth Warren: Here is a detailed plan for every question. I know y’all gonna vote for the white boy but y’all got me in the JV debate so I’m ‘bout to son these fools.

Klobuchar (In voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher): Wonh Wonh Wonh Wonh

Elizabeth Warren: I’m smarter than everybody here! If I wouldn’t have told people I was from the Wypiopho tribe, I’d be crushing this shit!

Beto O’Rourke: I don’t know shit and I’m not gonna answer your question but I’m gonna say it real slow and go over time.

Deblasio: Hol’ up Beto...

Tulsi Gabbard: I’m just happy to be here. I’m not gonna say shit interesting or profound.

Booker: Before I answer your question, let me say one more time, I live around black people.

Warren: Facts

Jay Inslee: I’m the only candidate who... Look, I’m white.

Klobuchar: Jay, youre the only candidate who fought for women’s right to control their body?

Sir, I have a VAGINA!

Elizabeth Warren: Facts

Booker: Screw these pharmaceutical companies! Especially in communities like mine, which I must remind you, contains black people.

Beto: when does the Bachelorette hand me the flower?

This is the rose ceremony, right?

Jose Diaz-Balart: I just wanna roll some Rs for a few minutes

Booker: I’mma pander in Puerto Rican

Castro: Section 1325... see I know shit.

Deblasio: I know I look like Mayonnaise Frankenstein but I’m an American, not a monster.

Beto: Oh shit, we’re really doing this Spanish thing? On day one, I would...

Castro: Beto’s bullshitting. He don’t know shit bout Section 1325, tho...

Beto: I do! But I wanna rewrote immigration laws. I know I’m a congressman and haven’t tried to do it, but I just came up with this when you mentioned Section 1325

Klobuchar: I am willing to look at this immigration thing Castro is talking about but I propose doing a lot of things to address things that affects things

Wait, who the fuck is this Tim Ryan dude and where did he come from? Did he sneak on stage?

Aight, let him talk about kids laying in snot. (Huh?)

Booker: I visited private prisons because I want to deal with the problems of the people I live around.

Did I mention those people are black?

Inslee: Here’s what I’d do on day one:

But first, let me not answer the question.

Booker: I wouldn’t have pulled out of the Iran deal.

But I’d write my own shit with the help of the people around me

Those people are black

Klobuchar: Wonh Wonh TRUMP Wonh Wonh

Klobuchar: Have I mentioned that I served in Iraq?

You should vote for me. I’m basically Wonder Woman

Turn off the mic!

I DO NOT wanna hear Savannah Guthrie pee

Warren: Nigga, I said we need to find out what works!

You want me to solve the gun problem in 1 minute?

Booker: Not only is my neighborhood black, but niggas be bussin caps around my house

Tim Ryan: excuse me Rachel, I have something very important to say:

What they said.

Stupid Chuck Todd: I know no one on stage proposes taking guns away, so explain how do you tell someone that you’re not gonna take their guns away.

Beto: No one said they wanted to do that

Stupid Chuck: Ok, Amy, how do you confiscate guns.

Amy: (Sigh) We’re NOT GONNA DO THAT!

Delaney: I’mma just keep screaming.

DeBlasio: I have a black son. I teach him about black shit.

Seriously! He has an afro and everything!

Delaney: I’m Democrat-ish

Stupid Chuck Todd: You have 30 seconds to explain your entire legislative strategy

Booker: My black neighbors told me...

Inslee: I know I look like Bizarro Mike Pence but I believe in climate change

Stupid Chuck Todd: Please wait until you’re called upon like you did with the black guy.

Respect my authoritiiiii!

Beto: You ever read about Rapunzel? That’s how we tackle climate change. We’re gonna spin electricity out of white people’s hair!

Castro: I went to Puerto Rico. Top that!

Tim Ryan: Guns, climate, blah blah...

If the Democrats wanna win, we gotta relate to white people!

Stupid Chuck Todd: Please don’t interrupt.

Everyone: I’mma keep talking

Stupid Chuck Todd: Aight... 30 seconds

Gabbard: I know gay people.

I fought with them when I was with the X-Men in Iraq

Booker: We dont talk about trans women and LGBTQ citizens, some of whom live in my hood.

Klobuchar: Wonh Wonh TRUMP Wonh Wonh African American woman Wonh Wonh

Castro: Klobuchar’s “economic opportunity” BS don’t mean shit. They out here shooting Black and Latino kids!

Debate Pro tip: “I appreciate that question” = “Gimme a second to make something up.”

Maddow: I’mma cut this fool off. He ain’t saying shit. Congressman Gabbard what do you think?

Gabbard: He’s wrong

Stupid Chuck Todd: I’mma give him 30 more seconds to say absolutely nothing.

Actually, according to Wypipo, Th biggest threat to America is Black Lives Matter, transgender bathrooms and kneeling during the anthem

John Delaney: I don’t just wanna BE president. I wanna be the president to do the job.

He really thought that was gonna slay.

What the fuck does that even mean?

Deblasio closing statement:
I run NY

Tim Ryan: it’s not about gay, straight, black or white.

It’s about not being forgotten...

Like you’re gonna forget me.

Tulsi Gabbard closing statement:

I was an alternate for the Avengers.

Julian Castro closing statement:

I speak Spanish

Amy Klobuchar closing statement:
Three things you should know about me..

1. I love America
2. I can win
3. I know you’re bored now so I’ll shut up

Corey Booker closing statement:

My parents fought with other whites to live around white people.

As soon as I got the chance, I moved back to a black neighborhood.

Beto O’Rourke closing statement:

I have a daughter. She’s cute like me.

We have accumulated the exact same amount of knowledge.

Elizabeth Warren closing statement:

Bitch, I know things!

This first round of the presidential playoffs was too long.

This is a single elimination tournament, right?

Good night y’all. I gotta watch something smart like 90
Day Fiancé