Thread by @apistone

Since we're all (rightly) obsessing about the ancient Greek D&G fashion show, this seems like the right time to rank every outfit in order of how much I want to wear them to teach/conference. I will also be declaring what sort of ancient world energy they have. This is definitive

OBVIOUSLY this is #1. However, this is NOT Athena energy, though I get why you might think it was. This is actually Phya energy -- the very tall woman Pisistratus dressed up as Athena to fool dumb Athenians. Sparkly scammer energy

#2 but almost #1. This is one of the best things I've ever seen and I would like 3 copies pls. Definitely Theodora energy -- queenly af, fun, and also moderately functional in case she needs to do some impromptu performing

#3 -- I love a good tailored menswear piece and I *think* this is the best one. Sleek, understated elegance. Definitely Agrippa energy. I won't justify this, it just is.

#4 -- This is Antiope as played by Robin Wright energy. I don't have proof of this but I suspect the whole gauzy dress is tear-away in case of emergency. Underneath is a very functional short tunic or leotard, not unlike Lane Kim's wedding dress in Gilmore Girls

#5 - This is stylin' so hard. Big Alcibiades Energy. Would wear this while party-crashing OR considering defecting. And I think anyone would welcome me if I were wearing this.

SORRY I HAD A PHONE CALL I'M BACK FOR ALL THE REST NOW. BUCKLE UP!!

#6 - these sleeves are everything. This is giving me Pandora vibes for sure.

#7 - Glammy Goth Hecate. Swoooooooooooooooooooon!!

#8 - I can't wait to wear this to conferences and take up SO MUCH SPACE. This is clearly the eidolon of Helen. The one that went to Troy while Helen was in Egypt.

#9 - This is Augustus and I will not answer any followup questions from Latinists who disagree (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE). It is not Octavian though. Only Augustus.

Actually, scratch that. It's Constantine. I don't know what I was thinking. It's unequivocally Constantine.

#10 - Terpsichore, muse of dance. Terpsichore was flapping before flapper girls were even a thing, and she was looking GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD doing it!

I will wear this only to conferences that have dancing as part of them. That's the only appropriate use of this much fringe!

#11 - I agonized over this decision, but I think that this is Dionysus. Taking suggestions what exactly the books he has in his hands are. What WOULD Dionysus carry around w/ him?

This is more a teaching look than a conference look, but I'm sure I don't have to tell anyone that

#12 - This is also Dionysus. I haven't quite pinned down the logistics of the wardrobe change between #11 and this, but I would love to see a Broadway musical costume change where he spins around and BAM! Full gauzy flowery asymmetrical gown!

#13 - This is the real Helen who stayed in Egypt. It's hard to tell the difference between eidolon-Helen (#9) and this one, but if you look closely you might be able to tell. The Aphrodite imagery helps. Plus look at her -- she will blind your ass real quick if you mouth off

#14 - Real Cleopatra energy. These sandals are excellent and if I'd noticed them sooner this would have been ranked higher. I would tell everyone my duster/robe thing was covered with the stories of lesser men whose glories I was en route to eclipsing. Nay, had eclipsed!

#15 - imagine this is way up higher. This picture was hiding under others and I missed it until now. Let's say it's really about 5 or 6? OBVIOUSLY this is Aphrodite. If the general glowing beauty didn't make that obvious, you could fall back on that kestos to clue you in!

#16 - Clytemnestra. Lot of resemblance to Helen (#9 and #13) but you can't see her hands, and that's for good reason. I suspect this dress has deep, heavily reinforced pockets in which one can hide your best man-slaying axes. Would wear when seeking academic vengeance

#17 - I considered Circe, but I think this is Persephone. Especially with the juxtaposition of the shiny gold and white number walking away while she approaches. Those earrings are also dope.

#18 - Demodocus in the Odyssey but also Book 2 of the Aeneid. Not super excited about wearing this as is, and I can't tell if there's a vest in there, under the way-too-much that's going on here, but if so, I would rock the shit out of the vest.

#19 - the caryatids would be the easy thing to go for here, but I'm not 19 outfits into this because I wanted easy. This is Selene. I don't love this piece. There's something very cold and distant about it

#20 - the last of the things I feel like I would actually be excited to wear. I know it's a little on the nose but this is the divinatory lamellae from Dodona. It was almost the Orphic gold tables, but I feel like lamellae are right. And LOOK AT HER NAILS!
dodonaonline.com/lamellae/

#21 - the nameless (I think?) statue that Pygmalion falls in love with. I don't really like this and it reminds me of a doll. I would wear this only while teaching a lesson about the trope of statues (vel sim.) that come alive

#22 - this deserved to be higher up, in the category of things I would want to wear. In fact, I like this quite a lot. This is Aspasia -- sleek and somewhat associated with Pericles and his building projects. Perfect for trying to make office hours feel like a cool symposium

#23 - very much a Jason vibe here. Like a caricature of what someone thinks a Greek hero looks like. Couldn't fight for shit, but trying really hard to look the part despite being generally incompetent. Would only wear for the lols or a toga party

#24 - this print bothers me, though I'm loving the necklace! And that armband thing is pretty cool. Actually, and the crown. There's just too much going on with the print though. This dress is the prose style of Thucydides.

#25 - This print reminds me of curtains. Or an old couch. The model's face is about what I feel when looking at this. I think this is giving me an Aegisthus vibe. I don't like it and it may as well be part of the furniture for all the contribution it's making.

#26 - this is Ion (the rhapsode from Plato's Ion). Just Homer all over the place, but like, this isn't really working. I mean, it's nice source material but like, it's doing so little with it. It's just wrapping itself in words, y'know?

#27 - this is the exclusus amator and/or the elegist poetic persona. All of them. "oooooooooh, I'll sleep outside your door in my sexy pajamas in hopes you'll let me in and I'll write some poems about how you're a bitch while I'm waiting!!"

#28 - This is Lord Byron going to Greece and pondering the Greek of it all while also graffiti-ing his name on the Temple of Poseidon. Also I do not think this design works at all and I'm not sure you could salvage it by separating the jacket and the pants.

#29 - This strikes me as something that Mark Antony would wear? It's a little too sexy to be taken seriously in a toxically masculine world and also that band is just too low to be a functional piece of clothing. The wristbands are the best part of it.

#30 - this should be #29 actually, because this band is functional. This is the full corpus of Quintilian (but not Quintilian as a person -- just his writings).

#31 - This is Cicero. Like, we get it, there's a theme here and you just want to be SO ON THEME but it's just too much. You're trying too hard and it isn't really working for me. This is def a matter of taste though -- I hate this style of dress because I can't pull it off

#32 - Pentheus. This jacket is way too big and it's just too much gold. This is the outfit of a boy who thinks he can be a king and this outfit, like Pentheus himself, should get torn up. It's just better for everyone that way.

#33 - These colors do NOT work for the model, and I'm not positive they'd work for anyone. I just don't really see the appeal here. For that reason, this is Menander.

#34 - Ugh, now we're into these weird bathrobe-coats. I don't even know what this outfit thinks it's doing, but I hate it. Agamemnon.

#35 - somehow they found something EVEN WORSE than the last bathrobe-coat monstrosity. This is the Menelaus from Troy: Fall of a City. Just the worst.

BONUS PIC! This is fully sexy fury energy. I don't care that the furies don't canonically use bows. That middle outfit is amazing and I would wear it around all day every day in case anyone needed some vengeancing. That is all.