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Why do monosexual people (in my experience particularly cis het men) ask pan/queer/bi people which gender they prefer? Men keep asking me this on dating sites. I truly don’t understand what they are trying to uncover with this question.
If I say men, does that make them feel more secure? If I say women, does that make them feel like they have to work harder or do they feel special to be a man dating a woman who prefers women? And what if I said I prefer non-binary folks? Would they even get it?
I think this question baffles me too bc I’ve had more sex w/ men, but more sustained intimate relationships w/ women & prefer the company of women & non-binary ppl socially. So are folks asking about a sexual, social, or romantic gender preference? Do they know the difference?
Importantly, this gender preference question is different from trans folks who have explicitly asked me “do you date or have you dated a trans person?” That’s legit. Many of us (trans, QTPOCs, fat or disabled folks) don’t want to be your sexual/fetish experiment so we gotta ask.
Asking “have you dated folks like me?” is different than “do you prefer my gender?” The first is asking about experience & knowledge, the second is about vague inclination &, I believe, reflects biphobia that people attracted to multiple genders can’t be committed or monogamous.
I am ethically non-monogamous, but if I choose to be with a person, I choose to be with them. Why does it matter who else I am still attracted to? If you date a straight woman there are still millions of men out there. Suspicion toward multi-sexual folks shows in this question.
Anyway, I can’t speak for other folks attracted to multiple genders but if you’re trying to date me, don’t ask me which gender I prefer. I find the question strange & an oversimplification of how attraction, desire, intimacy, sex & relationships work.
