Thread by @chadfelixg

Many of you have been asking me what has been going on in my life that has caused so much stress and anxiety.

I couldn't talk about it before, but I suppose I am at a point where I have no other options. So this is the story and the outcome so far.

It may change your view of me

As you might recall, I joined the Diversity Committee at my work, which is a hospital. I work in Process Improvement.

In June I attended a meeting where the topic was on the HRC's Healthcare Equality Index. Our organization had scored low.

I am an open person in leadership.

I've worked there for nearly 3 years and have had very little to complain about. So I felt safe expressing ideas. You all know I am a moderate to conservative voice on LGBT topics and so you can imagine my being the vocal LGBT rep there, it would be pretty reasonable stuff.

But I knew I was balancing between my personal views, the org's views and the HRC's guidelines. So I began asking questions and offering ideas. But there was an obvious hostility in the room which mirrored the previous meeting.

There was a lot of resistence.

One main area we scored low on was community outreach. For months I had advocated for a more visible presence of our HIV/AIDS services. We have a high infection rate and we are in the center of the opioid crisis.

But our HIV services are entirely hidden from the public.

My idea was to engage community leaders and promote our services through awareness events, signage etc.

One of the directors, however, felt that putting up signs or associating the org with HIV care would be detrimental.

'We are a mostly Baptist area. We have rights too!'

She yelled out that if she walked into a room and saw posters about HIV, she wouldn't want her family there. 'People will think they're gonna catch it!' She dismissed the idea the majority community should have to see this type of thing.

No one said anything.

The HR director, the Corporate Compliance director, several others - all just sat uncomfortably silent.

For the first time in my career I felt directly attacked. I had been open about my HIV status in the prior meeting. I was always open about this aspect. She knew it.

The tension was interrupted by another director who impatiently declared he joined the committee to deal with real diversity issues in hiring and not 'this stuff.'

The topic changed.

I sat there completely knocked off balance, silently enraged and confused by my coworkers.

I tried to let it just slid off my back and dismiss it as ignorance. But the HR director never spoke up and at the end avoided me entirely.

She never reached out.
I never heard from anyone.
I thought perhaps I was just creating tension with topics people did not like.

But it still deeply disturbed me.
Here I am, the only open LGBT minority in leadership I am aware of, I've taken the risk of being open about my HIV status, I am asked about increasing LGBT inclusion and I experience this, in a medical setting, by senior leadership?

I spoke with my manager and he advised letting it pass as well. I tried.

A month passed.

I had previously proposed to be a safe person in leadership for LGBT employees to talk to and to hold a meeting monthly to the HR director.

Nothing.

Our hospital was merged into a larger system. We got a new 'system' CEO. When he asked for insights, I mentioned HIV awareness and centering care here rather than an hour away in another city.

He brushed it off.
Then he avoided me in other settings.

Then our dept changed.

My manager was 'reassigned' and another team member was absorbed into another area.

Out of nowhere we told our program needed to 'prove itself' to continue forward. With half the team, my coworker was given the manager duties without a pay increase. I was never spoken to.

All efforts on my part to improve the diversity standard were being ignored. I realized it was more of an issue than just a few ignorant people.

If they were that open in a leadership setting, how would an LGBT frontline person feel?

So I brought it to my CEO's attention.

He immediately began an investigation. And now the tension was higher and more focused on me. I have been struggling with anxiety for awhile. I found myself far more impacted than I was prepared for.

I got sick.
Very sick.

Despite being salary, I had to take unpaid time off.

A week passed and then my VP and the director of corporate compliance interviewed me.

I was honestly extremely nervous, despite merely expressing concern with the way the whole experience had been handled.

I didn't want to get people in trouble. But I knew it needed addressed.

I retold the story. But was asked why I hadn't been more persistent in my advocacy of the HIV program. I was asked why I didn't email or call the HR director multiple times. I had sent her education references after the first meeting with no reply.

It was positioned as me reacting poorly and misunderstanding the situation. The HR director was just 'busy', she hadn't noticed I was upset at the meeting. No one else thought it was a big deal. I really need to learn to be tougher. And so on.

No resolution.

The whole thing had hit me much harder than I expected. I have never been humiliated like that before.

At the same time my mother's health began declining and she needed knee surgery. My stepfather's leukemia was rebounding. My 14 year old severely autistic nephew needed help.

So realizing there was no future there and despite my best intentions, my peers were hostile or ambivalent, I decided I needed to resign and relocate to take care of my mother, some 5 hours away.

I made sure to give lots of notice, provide all of my skills etc for the move.

I figured out my budget, started helping my friends to sell the house we live in and get everything ready.

But somehow my timecard was delayed and I was informed I had to write a check to HR for 'overpayment', as they had not input the sick time.

I also knew I would get my last chunk of vacation and sick time this week. Which was good because the stress had triggered a shingles outbreak. I missed 4 days.

But the timecard issue meant I had not fully earned the time and so 24 hours of vaca time was revoked.

If I were more like my LGBT brethren I would swear I was experiencing retaliation.

My request for remote or travel options was denied.

I was really left with no other choices.

But even in the most pragmatic of views, it has impacted me more than I thought it would.

I did not realize how direct and overwhelming being targeted for your characteristics in this setting can be. I felt stigma surrounding being HIV+ I never had before.

And no one did anything.

When I stood up for myself and followed the proper process, it did nothing.

I was advised to contact the EEOC. I did. They can't even talk to me until October.

This whole process has been maddening.

Going from being professional and trying to stay neutral and considerate to being blamed, dismissed and ignored is extremely frustrating.

While my experience tells me LGBT discrimination is rare. It is more difficult to manage professionally than I realized.

Speaking up seems to create an even worse experience as people behave empathetically but ignore your concerns and the outcome.

My biggest concern has been my extremely expensive medications.

Even on the best terms, my employer simply cuts off all support.

I applied for disability coverage, which I pay for, and nothing.

I did everything I was supposed to do.

And it left me with uncertainty and stress.

While I don't mean to sound hypocritical, my view has been altered.

Although many abuse the system, doing it the right way only places you in a vulnerable and isolated position.

There is no good option unless you choose to internalize and ignore it completely.

So now I am faced with figuring out a big move, a new job, medications and managing this ridiculous and overbearing physical illness, largely because I chose to speak out and even tried protecting my organization from the potential harm of continuing to ignore the issue.

At this point I am relocating to care for my family at the end of this month. Taking my HIV medication every other day to stretch it out and hoping I can manage it all.

And although I feel like I am whining and complaining. I've held it privately for so long I can't function.

I am unsure about my future right now. But it is a new and fresh start.

But its been more overwhelming than I thought possible. I did everything I could, but now I have to move forward.

In any case, I don't mean to portray myself as a victim. But I do better understand now.

But you are all always so supportive and wonderful.

I'll get through it.
I have Jacob.

It will just take some time.

The truth is, I do need help.

I always take care of things. Its my job. But I really am at a loss.

But just know your kind words mean a great deal to me.

I'll manage.
I always do. ❤

Medicaid and the Ryan White Program are options.

But I'm afraid because one of the new rules for immigration was *anyone* in the household using government services could be used to deny legal immigration.

Next year Jacob has to renew his green card. modernhealthcare.com/government/pub…

And its not that I think my employer is responsible for my life or wellbeing.

But after 3 years it is frustrating to see them so easily push me out and ignore these concerns. Its a multi-billion org but they act like my $58k salary is bankrupting them.

Just frustrating.

Starting over from scratch is not what I expected turning 37.

But I can do it. :)

I don't ask for help often, so this is tough for me. But I suppose I need to learn when to let go and accept love.

Thank you for encouraging me.

https://twitter.com/chadfelixg/status/1157384549309042689?s=19