Thread by @goodcheesejoke

@thebunburger He was just an innocent young bunburger, but nevertheless he was brave. The little bunburger knew what was right and what was wrong, and he wasn’t afraid to stand up for his principles.

@thebunburger However, because of these strict principles by which he lived, the bunburger was often spurned and excluded by others. The one thing he didn’t have was a home. He roamed the lands searching for a place where he would belong, a place he could truly call home.

@thebunburger The young bunburger needed a place where he could be accepted for who he was: a bun, sauce, and cheese.

@thebunburger He was searching in the land just east of the Burger King’s Kingdom, after just hiking through the McDonald’s Valley, and now he was standing before the Great Wendy’s Mountains.

@thebunburger They are an interesting group of mountains to say the least. The gray rocks of their faces rise like spikes out of the peaceful earth below, looking as if to impale any who dare attempt to cross.

@thebunburger Their steep precipices and narrow paths atop dangerously lofty cliff sides meant that if one wasn’t careful, he might just find himself in a pile of arms and legs and the bottom of the trail.

@thebunburger In fact, legend had it that this was the dwelling place of an ancient wizard, who lived at the very peak of the mountain so as not to be disturbed from his normal routine. This mostly consisted of long naps and incoherent grumbling about who knows what.

@thebunburger Of course he knew all this, and yet it did not scare the young bunburger. He had traveled for many days and many nights to find this place. He sought to meet with the great wizard, to ask him where he could belong.

@thebunburger So, in one courageous step, the little bunburger set on up the mountain, starting his most dangerous and most exciting adventure yet.

@thebunburger It was not long before the bunburger encountered trouble. After only hiking for about an hour, the trail had already gotten fairly treacherous, with big roots sticking out of the ground and big rocks occluding most of the path.

@thebunburger The dirt had gradually become mud over time as the skies opened up and let loose a torrential downpour. Dispute this, the little bunburger made his way up the trail, little by little, step by step, all the while dreaming of what he might find at the top.

@thebunburger But the journey was not over. In fact, the perils had only just begun.

@thebunburger The world is full of things that most folks like to imagine don’t exist. It comforts them to think that there’s no such thing as flesh-eating warthogs or flying rats or horned whales.

@thebunburger But in fact, they’re all real, and they’re waiting for you in the bushes and the trees, under rocks and fallen logs, and in the tall grass where many mysterious things like to lurk. One such creature was hiding on that rainy day up on the Wendy’s Mountains.

@thebunburger As the little bunburger trekked up the mountain, the forest was alive with silence. The silence was full of little noises and and minute movements. To the left, a branch breaking. To the right, a rustling in the ferns. Up ahead, the bunburger saw a dash across the path.

@thebunburger He stopped in his tracks, pausing in complete stillness to listen and watch for the thing he knew was watching him back. Suddenly, a small dark creature leapt out of the grass. It was a HUG, and its horrifying teeth were ready to bite, its gnarly claws poised to strike.

@thebunburger The bunburger had read about them, but never thought that he would be unfortunate enough to encounter one in the wild. Now, he knew, was the time when his strength and courage would be put to the test, and indeed he would be tested. The only question was, would he pass?

@thebunburger Right about now I think it might be appropriate to explain what a HUG is. It is unfortunate that I have interrupt the story here, but context is important to understanding the gruesome and thrilling tale that I have yet to finish telling.

@thebunburger You see, a HUG is not what you might think it is. It isn’t something with which you greet people at the door, or give to someone as you say goodbye, unless of course the person is your grave enemy, in which case a HUG would be fitting, for a HUG is a most horrid creature.

@thebunburger HUG stands for Hideously Ugly Gerbil, and although a gerbil may not seem like the most threatening beast, seeing one in the wild is an encounter that you will not soon forget. Their teeth are razor sharp and their twisted claws dig in to their prey and stay.

@thebunburger Not many have survived an attack and those who have came back looking as hideously ugly as the thing that attacked them. So you can imagine, dear reader, the fright that our hero must have felt when he saw the HUG pop out onto the trail, growling and ready to attack.

@thebunburger But the young bunburger was not afraid, which may have just been his final mistake.

@thebunburger As the bunburger stood in a ready stance, the HUG stood furious, as if ready to burst at any moment. Its mouth was frothing and its low growl was gradually getting louder and more fervent.

@thebunburger This might have been intimidating to the average traveler, but the young bunburger stood strong. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of waiting and watching one another, the HUG struck.

@thebunburger As its body flew through the air, its misshapen claws outstretched towards its prey, the bunburger stood nearly perfectly still. Just in the instant before the HUG would have landed on the bunburger, he made an evasive movement to the left.

@thebunburger The HUG didn’t have time to readjust his trajectory, so he landed off in the bushes. Turning around quickly, the bunburger was able to prepare for the next leap. The HUG hurled itself forward, bearing its teeth and claws.

@thebunburger But this time the bunburger had the high ground, so he was able to hit the HUG out of the air. It hit the ground and rolled slowly down the hill, seemingly incapacitated; but the young bunburger knew better than to think he had won.

@thebunburger HUGs have a habit of pretending to be hurt and then, when the opponent’s pride is full, the HUG comes back with one final attack that takes the prey off guard.

@thebunburger The smart little bunburger knew this, however, so instead of continuing forwards up the trail, he steadily backed his way up. The HUG heard the steps of its quarry leaving the scene, and he knew it was his time to strike.

@thebunburger It ran quickly up the trail, going to attack the bunburger from behind; but the bunburger was ready and turned to face the HUG, so as the it came hurdling up the path towards him, he kicked it right in its hideously ugly face.

@thebunburger The HUG, shocked by this attack, tumbled down the mountain path, this time for good. After a little while of watching to make sure it was really down, the bunburger continued up the trail feeling reassured and confident. He had passed the test.

@thebunburger After his encounter with the HUG, the next obstacle the little bunburger faced were the Cliffs of Dave, a group of cliffs that jut out of the Wendy’s mountainside.

@thebunburger The narrow platform where one could stand was only just big enough for the little bunburger to walk on, and the path was a steep and meandering one up the cliff face. But again the young bunburger stood strong and was not afraid.

@thebunburger It was just another part of the journey, and as he made his way up the slim path, constantly hugging on to the rock wall of the cliff, he was all the while dreaming of the goal he was going to reach at the top.

@thebunburger The rain had ceased, but the rock was still wet and proved slippery. The real challenge was the incline.

@thebunburger When edging his way along flat ground, it wasn’t that hard to stay on and not slip, but as soon as the terrain started to tip, gripping on to the wet surface of the rock was not so easy.

@thebunburger Slowly yet surely, the young little bunburger inched his way up the platform until finally he was able to rest on the Baconator Ledge. There he sat and looked out over the land, over everything he had walked through.

@thebunburger There was the Burger King’s Kingdom to the west, the Great Sea of Coke to the East, and even the Temple of the Legendary Steak-Umm was visible in the far-off mists beyond the McDonald’s Valley to the south.

@thebunburger This is it, he thought, I will finally find out where I belong in this world, I will finally have a home.

@thebunburger After a quick nap on the ledge, it was time to carry on up the cliffside path. This section of the path was actually a little bit wider than it had been before, so the bunburger could walk forward instead of shuffling sideways hugging the cliff wall.

@thebunburger This section of the trek was actually fairly easy. The sun had risen higher in the sky and the rain had dried off the rocks, so it wasn’t so slippery anymore. The slope was fairly gradual and the wide path made it easy to stay balanced.

@thebunburger Unfortunately for our hero, it wouldn’t stay so nice forever.

@thebunburger The big challenge would start when the ground began to rumble. Although the path had become wider, falling down would probably not end so well.

@thebunburger To keep his balance as the ground shook violently beneath him, the bunburger crouched down close to the ground and stayed near the cliff wall. He waited and waited for what felt like an eternity of being shaken like a maraca, but the quaking never stopped.

@thebunburger Eventually, he heard a voice calling out from up the cliff face.
“Go,” the voice boomed, “leave this mountain the way you came and never return.”

@thebunburger The little bunburger, in an act of reckless defiance and foolish lack of fear, yelled back, “No! I came from distant lands to find the great wizard who lives atop this mountain, and I will not be sent back by anyone.”

@thebunburger “Bad move,” replied the voice.

@thebunburger Suddenly, a claw reached down and snatched him off the side of the mountain. Now he was angry, but the young bunburger knew better than to flail about while hoisted thousands of feet above the ground.

@thebunburger The mighty beast flew higher and higher up the Wendy’s Mountains, through the spiky rocks and over the trees and rock formations, to the very top. There stood a small cabin, mundane and entirely unassuming.

@thebunburger It was just a rugged, disheveled, rustic, old cabin in a small clearing in the middle of a dense thicket. The flying creature descended and dropped the bunburger down in front of the cabin.

@thebunburger After it flew off into the clouds, the bunburger realized that it was the legendary Kentucky Fried Chicken that defended the Wendy’s Mountains. Its true power came from the eleven mystical herbs and spices and the strong bread armor that enveloped it.

@thebunburger After a dazed moment watching the mythical beast fly away, the bunburger looked around. There wasn’t too much to see except a small well and the ruins of what appeared to be an animal pen of some sort. Other than that, there was only the small cabin.

@thebunburger The bunburger walked cautiously up to the door, although it appeared as though nobody was home, or had been in some time. The door was old and looked as if it had been repaired multiple times.

@thebunburger In fact, most of the house was in about the same condition, patched together and positively ancient. On first try, the door would not budge, but after a few hits the door flung open. What was inside was a surprise to be sure.

@thebunburger What the little bunburger was met with when he rammed open that old door was something truly unexpected. A lavish mansion, with banners and chandeliers and furniture so clean it looked better than brand new.

@thebunburger The room was wide, much wider than what the cabin appeared to be, and nearly all white and red.

@thebunburger The white marble floors and walls seemed to shine with opulence, the white and red furniture displayed a feeling of leisure and the red spiral staircase denoted a sense of grandeur and strength. The bunburger had never seen anything like it in all his life.

@thebunburger As soon as he stepped into the room, the cabin door slammed behind him. It looked like he wasn’t going to be leaving any time soon. As he gawked at the pure immensity of the room and the beauty of the tall glass windows, he didn’t notice an old man approach slowly towards him.

@thebunburger As he was standing and admiring the spotless granite table next to the red velvet couch, the man said, “Why are you here?”

@thebunburger Caught by surprise, the bunburger spun around and let out a little yelp upon seeing the old man. He was dressed in gray robes and his hood his head. “I came here to find the ancient wizard who lives here,” the bunburger replied.

@thebunburger “Why do you seek the wizard,” said the old man.
“Oh. Well, I wanted to ask him something.”
“Come with me, boy.”

@thebunburger The man led the boy up the tall winding staircase and down a short corridor to a medium-sized, circular, stone room. “You want to find the wizard, huh?” asked the old man.
“Yes, sir. Do you know him?”
“You foolish boy! I am him.”

@thebunburger Speechless and awed, the young bunburger didn’t know what to do. The wizard said, “I am the wizard of Arby’s.” The wizard went over to one of the wooden tables along the wall of the room.

@thebunburger Polishing some doohickey, the wizard said, “I don’t usually like visitors but I made an exception for you, boy.” “How come?” asked the bunburger.
“I saw your audacity and bravery on the mountain. Your willingness to stand up for yourself, I admire it.”

@thebunburger “Th-thank you, sir,” said the young bunburger.

Still working on something in his hands, the wizard asked, “So what did you want to ask me?”

@thebunburger “I wanted to know where you think I belong,” replied the bunburger.
“Why do you ask that?”
“I’ve keep being shunned because of who I am.”
“And who are you, exactly?”
“I’m a bunburger. Just a bun, sauce, and cheese.”

@thebunburger At this, the wizard looked up sharply from his work. “No meat?” inquired the wizard.
“No.” answered the bunburger.
“Hmm… interesting.”
“So what do you think I should do? I want to be accepted.”

@thebunburger The wizard turned around to look at the bunburger, “I can tell you are someone who will do anything to reach their goals.”
“Yeah… I suppose so.”
“Then you can come with Arby’s,” he said, grinning, “We have what you need.”
“Okay.” the bunburger said uneasily.

@thebunburger “Yes. You need us. We’ll take you in and help you achieve greatness.” the wizard said, a hint of greed and demand entering his voice. “We can help you belong.”
“What do I need?” asked the bunburger eagerly.
“Meat. We are Arby’s. We have the meats.”

@thebunburger Suddenly the wizard’s eyes went from their dull gray color to a fierce red. He bellowed out in what sounded like many voices, “We have the meats. Come with us, and you will finally belong.”

@thebunburger The wizard was now above the ground several feet and a great gusting wind was blowing through the room.

@thebunburger The bunburger shouted back, “Never! I am a bunburger. I will never have meat.”
“Come now, boy. Don’t be foolish. Don’t you want to have a home?”
“Not with you, I don’t,” the bunburger retorted.

@thebunburger “Bad move,” the wizard said in a deep voice as the gusts of wind became stronger and stronger. The wizard rose higher above the ground and his eyes became entirely red.

@thebunburger The bunburger stood watching as the wizard seemed to grow larger and the wind more powerful as he became more angry. The roof started to rattle and the walls made creaking noise as the wind picked up speed and intensity.

@thebunburger Finally, in one huge gust, the coned roof of the circular room came ripping right off. The wizard raised his huge hand in anger and brought forth fire from the sky. The bunburger knew that he had to do something; he wasn’t going to let this be the end of his journey.

@thebunburger As the fire came raining down in tiny balls toward him, the little bunburger darted quickly out of the way towards one of the workbenches along the wall. He scrambled to find something to protect himself as the wizard brought forth flaming balls of meat from the heavens.

@thebunburger The fiery roast beef game hurdling down on top of the bunburger, and he was utterly defenseless. As the burning meatballs torched his delicate buns, he formulated a plan.

@thebunburger The bunburger did what he was best at, he stood his ground. Fire was coming down upon him and he simply stood. He let the burning chunks of beef touch his top bun as he stood there, just waiting. The wizard laughed smugly, “Given up, have you?”

@thebunburger “Not quite,” replied the bunburger, running up to the wizard and ramming into him. His top bun, which by then had been toasted so much that it was as hard as the rocky cliffs of the Wendy’s Mountains, slammed forcefully into evil wizard, knocking him back into the wall.

@thebunburger The wizard was down, and the bunburger slowly limped away in victory; but he paused, he had seen this tricky strategy before with the HUG on the mountain trail. He whipped back around to see the wizard charging toward him like an angry bull.

@thebunburger The bunburger ran as fast as he could down the corridor that had led him to the circular room as the furious wizard chased after him. The bunburger stopped in his tracks and let the wizard continue to stampede toward him.

@thebunburger Just as he had done with the HUG, the bunburger dodged out of the way and the momentum of the wizard meant he had no time to stop before he went barreling down the beautiful ornate spiral staircase.

@thebunburger At the bottom of the stairs, the wizard was in a pile where he was unconscious but not dead. The burnt bunburger left the beautiful mansion with the old wizard propped up sitting on one of his fabulously clean couches.

@thebunburger When he opened the door and stepped out, he could see once more that the place was just a raggedy old cabin with a patchy old door and a disheveled old roof.

@thebunburger As the bunburger looked out at the view of the land from the top of Wendy’s Mountain, he saw opportunity. He was just young bunburger, full of hope and zeal, ready to make his mark on the world. He didn’t need to find a place among others to belong.

@thebunburger He would go out on his own and make himself a home. The little bunburger would blaze a trail into a brand new land of his own design, a place where all would be welcome, a place anyone could call home, the Land of the Bunburger.

@thebunburger The End...?