Thread by @HoarseWisperer

Okay, so, now would be an excellent time to start crowdsourcing some bail money for me.

On the golf course. Guy they paired me up with just explained how “that gay Democrat” passed a bill that “caused the real estate market to crash in 2005” so “all the Jews” could profit.

1/2

For those keeping score at home:

1) The real estate bubble burst in 2008
2) The Dodd-Frank Act was passed in 2010
3) It’s highly unlikely Jews invented a real estate time machine for profit

Six holes to go. Reasonable chance I’ll be using my one phone call to tweet for bail.

Just to paint the scene, the guy is 73 and splits time between Vegas and the east coast.

He spent the first ten holes telling me vaguely Good Fellas-adjacent stories about “friends of his” and “deals he made”.

Fun-fact: no actual wise guy tells you they’re a wise guy.

The guy has a big effing mouth and is trying way too hard to impress with the exact kinds of behaviors that are dead-ass tell there isn’t a good fella alive who considers him “a friend of ours”.

Where do they get these people? These people actually exist. What the fuck.

The guy is like an extra in Casino.

He’s Johnny’s Friend #3 in Van or some shit.

A caricature.

I may slice the next tee shot towards his cart.

According to Johnny’s Friend #3 in Van, he bought “550 units” for $500k and then sold them for (holds up six figures).

If JF3IV is to be believed, he raked $5.5 mil from his vast real estate empire.

Meanwhile, we’re playing a county course that cost me seventeen dollars.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s entirely possible JF3IV is the Millionaire Next Door type and just wears a white collarless shirt and tan denim pants on public golf courses to throw off the scent.

That’s possible.

It’s also possible I’m Tiger Woods.

Johnny’s Friend #3 in Van is playing with a buddy. The buddy seems like a nice enough guy although he has a certain hairless mole rat quality to him. I’m just going to call him Nick. I don’t know him well enough to call him Nicky.

Johnny’s Friend #3 and Nick are talking...

They’re really putting their heads together. Real meeting of the minds.

They’re trying to remember who was President when... I kid you not.

Their work on this beguiling stumper is interrupted only by hitting the ball... after which they yell stuff like “There ya go, Nick!”

I’ve lost more golf balls than in my last ten rounds combined.

Johnny’s Friend #3 in Van is deadly on one’s concentration.

The fourth member of our group is a walk-on like me. He both looks and sounds like Morgan Freeman. Very nice guy. He has incense in his cart. It’s nice.

“You want to catch a great show? DONNIE. AND. MARIE. OSMOND.” - Johnny’s Friend #3 in Van

I swear to god, these threads, I can’t make them up. These are verbatims. Direct transcription.

Johnny’s Friend is apparently a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll.

Just so you know I am not making this up (while being mindful of privacy and the slim chance Johnny’s Friend #3 does indeed have connections) allow me to submit this proof.

The foursome ahead of us has deployed umbrellas. It’s not raining. They are Japanese and using them as sunshades. This is not uncommon on golf courses.

Johnny’s Friend, being both a racist and a big mouth, is quite thrown off by all of this and needs very much to express it.

Meanwhile, Johnny’s Friend is riding in a cart which, naturally, has a canopy. He has been rapidly retreating to his cart between shots.

So, apparently from what I’ve deduced, it is only patriotic to get out of the sun when combined with being too lazy to walk.

I’ve entirely given up on this round. I’m just putting with my sand wedge at this point.

We’ve got one hole left. It’s a Par 5.

I’m gonna swing so hard, I may rupture a disk all for the sole purpose of seeing if I can extract simultaneous “There ya go’s!” out of JF3IV and Nick.

It was not to be. I’m just gonna play the hole out with my 3 wood in the internationally accepted sign that I don’t consider what we’re doing here to be golf.

Johnny’s Friend and Nick are unlikely to notice.

Mercifully, we finished.

Walking off 18, Johnny’s Friend says, and I quote, “Good round. Always fun to get out... unless you get paired up with a couple guys you don’t like.”

(Insert man_blinking_incredulously.gif)

Ya don’t say, Johnny’s Friend. Ya don’t say.

As I’m hustling through the parking lot like I’ve got a plane to catch, Johnny’s Friend pulls up in the cart.

“Hey, wanna come inside and get something to eat? They do a nice job.”

For a millionaire, he sure knows a lot about county golf course snack bars.

I declined.

Johnny’s Friend and Nick have been left in the rear view and I’ve made light of a painful round but there’s a serious takeaway here:

This is what a great many Trump voters are like. Ignorant as fuck. Wholly ignorant of their ignorance. Certain of their opinions. Racist as shit.

When people say we need to “reach out to Trump voters” I point to people like Johnny’s Friend. He is much more the rule than the exception.

No, we most certainly don’t need to reach out to him or is his ilk. We need to turn out voters capable of so much more and so much better.

I’ve been tongue in cheek about this round but it upsets me.

It is an offensive, embarrassing vulgarity to not only see up close how very shitty some of our fellow Americans are but also see how utterly comfortable they are voicing open casual racism even with strangers.

I have played golf for nearly 40 years and before Trump there was only one time I can remember when a stranger said something shockingly racist on the course with me.

This is the third time it has happened in the past three months.

Vile racism freely expressed as if fine.

Fuck Johnny’s Friend. Fuck Nick. Fuck everyone like them.

Next year, you, me and everyone we know and can get to the polls is going to shove their bigotry right down their goddamned throats as we usher in something so much better than 2019.

Fuck those assholes.