Thread by @megelison

Many of us have had an older woman in our lives take us aside and tell us: make sure you have money your partner cannot access.

Your own bank account.
A cash stash.

My mom calls it "fuck-you money."

I've seen and heard a thousand versions of this. Sometimes it's a secret and sometimes it's a joke. But it's always serious business.

A friend received gold bangles as a bridal gift. When she protested that they weren't her style and were too costly to wear, the women in her family corrected her.

They're not to wear; they're to sell. If you ever need to run. Gold is often more fungible than cash.

And these women, they're speaking from experiences of fleeing collapsed governments, of depression and recession.

But they're also speaking from lives where they couldn't always have their own bank accounts. Times they couldn't get a line of credit without a man's name on it.

This was true in the 1970s. It's not that long ago.

In almost every instance where I've seen domestic violence, the abuser restricts the victim's access to money. It's an effective way to limit an adult's freedom, to take their power.

It can be blatant: forbidding someone their own debit card or checkbook, not putting their name on the lease.

It can be insidious: irresponsible spending, constant mysterious cash hemorrhages. "I'm just bad with money, babe."

The result is the same.

The result is that when you need to leave, you have nothing. Not airfare, not a card for a hotel, not a deposit on your own place.

You must ask for the kindness of friends and family, at a time when your shame could not be greater. It is often the LARGEST barrier to leaving.

I am concerned now that we're two generations deep into women who have never faced an unbanked life in the U.S., and that this quiet tradition might die off.

Don't let it.

Be happy for people who get married, who cohabitate. But remind them, when you have a moment. You never know. Things go bad, sometimes nobody sees it coming. No matter how much you love and trust someone, you must alway have a way out.

This has been work done by women, in my life. But people of any gender can be trapped this way. Everybody needs to have the freedom to walk away. The difference between "why did you stay?" and "good for you!" can be like $500.

So, everybody should have fuck-you money. Everybody should have the leverage to leave, should they need to. Everybody should have a gold bangle, or a little cash stash.

When you're choosing a wedding gift, remember this. Chances are someone you love will probably need it.