Thread by @gaileyfrey

I am a well-documented Halloween Grinch which makes this time of year a little tricky to navigate but yesterday I figured out a LIFE HACK to have a great time at the pumpkin patch in spite of all the Ambient Halloween

I will not explain why I hate Halloween here because I have already said everything I need to say (link below)

anyway yesterday I went on a quest for THE MOST FUCKED-UP PUMPKIN AT THE PUMPKIN PATCH and BOY DID THE PUMPKIN PATCH DELIVER

mailchi.mp/15acedc302c1/h…]

I'm sorry Mr. Bones but this thread is about to be pretty disrespectful to the pumpkins

first up is this GEOMETRIC MINT PUMPKIN, freshly scraped off the underside of god's desk just this morning

Have you considered a bell pepper but huge and made of flesh and begging for a merciful death? if not can I recommend you visit the pumpkin patch

idk if you guys heard the game of thrones discourse but there was a deleted storyline about a white walker getting a goiter amputated and leaving the goiter at the pumpkin patch

fucked-up pumpkin? wart're you talking about, this pumpkin is a model of personal growth

they told me this pumpkin's stem it could be anything so it decided to grow its own bean bag chair

whatever happened to this pumpkin, it's the same thing that happened to mr. peanut to turn him from a wealthy man to the monstrosity he has become

sorry we need to spend more time with this motherfucker

this pumpkin looks like if spiders were made of wood and got a hunger for gourds

this pumpkin is what you cough up after a night spent smoking too many corrugated cigarettes out at the old haunted reservoir

looking at this pumpkin makes me understand why jack-o-lanterns so often have screaming mouths. this used to be their comrade. they knew him once, before The Change took him

OKAY MOVING ON

when I saw the runner-up for Most Fucked Up Pumpkin at the Pumpkin Patch I felt an immense gladness in my soul, like I had been reunited with an old friend, like I was home at last, like I was looking into a mirror for the first time...

BEHOLD the many-faceted splendor of

MARGE the LUMPEN DESTROYER

This is a pumpkin that someone fished out of the dumpster behind god's Pumpkin Workshop. It was never meant to exist, I am damned for having looked upon it with my mortal eyes. She fit snugly into @ryandroyd's embrace as the Tall Toothbirds looked on in approval

Marge was truly magnificent and we would have loved to bring her home to join our family

BUT

...she turned out to cost ninety dollars and there's just not a fucking chance I'm gonna throw down that much money for a pumpkin that looks like it's full of demon eggs

the final pumpkin in this thread is the winner of my Fucked Up Pumpkin Pageant. It's the one that I feel showed the most heart, the most courage, the most commitment to ugliness, and the most overall menacing energy at the pumpkin patch

the pumpkin that came home with me is CAPTAIN HOWDY

FEAR HIS MIGHT

Captain Howdy is on the cat tree because he has precisely the same energy as Buttercup the Cat. They're both in league with dark forces beyond my comprehension. I figure they can share an office

VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE

BUTTERCUP AND CAPTAIN HOWDY ARE IN ALIGNMENT