Thread by @juuust_amanda

Okay. I know this isn't my normal topic, so bear with me. This is a non-specific thread on reporting *Domestic Violence*. If that's not something you want to think or hear about today, this is the warning to mute it now.

#DoesAnyoneFuckingCare

My situation was fairly mild. I'm not going to share details, but the only reason I thought to re-contact my divorce lawyer was because he was continuing to harass me. In the course of talking to him about the harassment, I mentioned something that I didn't realize was a big deal

He replied back that I needed to document it and we needed to file a protective order. After spending over an hour at the sheriff's office a few months before and being straight up told that I had nothing they could do anything about, this was a bit of a surprise.

I googled how to do that (my lawyer was much more concise than informative at times) and called his local precinct. After a few transfers, a woman with an incredibly kind voice told me that I needed to contact *my* location, because "baby, we don't do this on his terms."

I love that woman, whoever she is.

I called my locale, ironically the court shares a building with the same sheriff's department I spent an hour standing outside just a few months before. They told me that I needed to come in and file in person.

I took a half day from work and went to the courthouse. There are metal detectors in the doorway. I forgot my keys and had to go through twice. There's no reception, so I had to find someone to ask where to go. I didn't want to ask the men in uniforms at the metal detectors.

I found someone w/a pane of glass between me and the words I didn't really want to say. She pointed me down a hallway and I ended up in a waiting room, more glass. There was thankfully no one there, so I waited a few minutes for her to get off the phone and repeated my question.

I was given a form to fill out and put in a conference room. They don't want you filling out that kind of form in the waiting room, just in case. I appreciated the gesture, although it also felt like I was in some sort of movie. The whole experience felt surreal.

I had the instinct to tell everyone I met, "but it wasn't that big of a deal" and "I know what it looks like, but I'm really just a normal person", "this kinda stuff doesn't happen to me..."

No one thinks it will be them. No one. Until it is.

When I was about halfway through filling out the form, someone knocked on the door and came in. She was a domestic violence court advocate. She introduced herself and told me that the judge was about to go to lunch.

If we wanted to get this taken care of before 1, I should fill out the rest of the form later and go before the judge now. I had taken a half day so I really really did want to get this done before one. I hadn't realized that I was going to end up in front of a judge.

Thankfully I was reasonably dressed up from work (i'd gone in that morning before I got the email back from my lawyer). I nodded as I tried to take in her advice on the questions that they were going to ask and how best to answer based on the half of the form I'd filled out.

I'm not shy speaking in front of people, and I was a debater, so it's hard to scare me. But walking into a large empty court room with a stranger sitting across the room and above you, a stranger you know just wants to go to lunch, was a lot.

It was my job to explain why I thought I was in danger. After being told by every sheriff on duty that night that I had nothing to go on, that was a little harder than it could have been. The advocate offered to hold my hand. She walked me to the court room and sat behind me.

I repeated what my lawyer had told me was sufficient grounds. I don't think my voice shook. It probably did. He nodded and granted me an emergency temporary protective order. 10 days. He told me he'd see me after that. I nodded and walked out.

I started crying as soon as I left the room, but I couldn't have told you why. I guess it probably felt more real at that point.
The advocate took me to her 'office', a windowless closet off of the main waiting room. She gave me literature and an official knocked on the door-

and gave her a fancy looking piece of paper. It had my court date on it. She told me that he would be served the order and the court summons too, but it wouldn't be in place until it was served. I would be notified when it was in effect.

I only remember about three things about that conversation, and I was definitely late getting back to work.

I remember she said "domestic violence victims" and then "like you" and I wanted to correct her.

Again: I was sitting in a DV advocate's office with a temp protective order against my ex and I still had the urge to diminish what was happening.

2- I remember that she gave me an old flip phone and it's charger in a plastic ziploc bag. She told me that ANY phone with charge can call 911, even if it's not on a network. This is important and more people need to know it. Donate old phones. Keep one if you may be in danger.

She suggested that I put it somewhere I'm most likely to be barricaded, since one of the first things abusers do is remove the ability to call for help. She suggested hiding it in a bathroom or closet.

I tried to tell her that he was in another state and she just pinned me with a no nonsense look.

"He has never been more dangerous to you than he will be once he gets this sheet of paper."

The third thing I remember, very vividly, is learning that he would need to appear AT THE HEARING, and that I WOULD HAVE TO BE THERE AT THE SAME TIME. He hadn't appeared at our divorce proceedings, so I figured it was the same thing, if he didn't show up I got it.

She told me no, if he didn't show up he'd be held in contempt of court. He needed to show up. Before I could ask, she assured me that no, we couldn't testify at different times. We were going to both be in the same room with the judge.

She said it was to 'empower me to face him'. I could tell from her tone and expression what she thought of that bullshit, but she didn't say anything else. I had no idea until this point that this is how the system worked, and as a reminder, my case was RELATIVELY MILD.

If I had been more urgently in fear of my life, I would have dropped the case immediately. I was doing all of this so he would STOP contacting me to coerce me into seeing him. So he'd stop going through friends to contact me and making new email accounts.

And to do that, to get an order that he couldn't be in the same room as me, he had to be summoned TO THE SAME FUCKING ROOM AS ME in a situation that neither of us could skip under threat of contempt of court. I took the phone and paperwork, cried in my car, and went back to work.

I had to call the sheriff's office four or five times to verify when the order was served. The DV advocate had advised me to do so if I hadn't heard back in 24 hours. It's important to know when it's served, because then you need to go from passively watching your back-

to knowing everyone in your vicinity at all times. I lived and worked at a college at the time, so I went to the director of campus safety (a person I worked with regularly in the course of my job duties) and notified him of the order and the possible threat.

He had been involved previously, along with my bosses' boss, in a dispute that it took to get my ex out of the house. VA law on residency is wild, but that's a trauma for another thread. His name and car were already in campus security's system as 'call outside police on sight'.

I had the director of campus security's personal cell already in my phone, and he insisted on putting up me and my dogs in the college's inn, which is right next to the guard post and more importantly, not where he'd think to look for me if he showed up.

Aside: several times I was asked "does he have access to a gun?". How can you EVER confidently answer that question 'no', given our laws? Did he buy one on craigslist today? I have no fucking idea. He didn't the last time I saw him 🤷‍♀️ You want me to guess?

Second aside, after I had kicked him out, I had *one* local friend. She had a history of disappearing when she got into relationships, and she had just found one that she knew I didn't love. She picked a fight and disappeared about a month before all of this.

It's not that simple, and she has the right to keep whoever she wants to in her life, but please please please, this is a place we can do better. I fucking needed her. My mom came down from MI for the hearing so I wouldn't have to go alone.

I know it's hard to hold on to someone going through shit like this, but please, if you have the emotional capacity, don't leave. Even if you have to set different boundaries or pull back a little. Please don't leave.

I shared what was happening with my boss because I needed to take time off for the hearing. He was awesome through all of it. I spent the next 9 days in an absolute haze, I doubt I got anything done. I sent my lawyer proof of the emails from 6 different accounts,

the FB messages from multiple accounts and the friends that had reached out to me because he told them he was worried about me and they should check on me 🙄.

My mom and I came just on time, I didn't want to see him. I sat with him and my mom in a break room in the court house.

I had to walk by the waiting room on my way there and we made eye contact. He looked sad and confused. He waved.

He wore the suit he bought for our wedding. I felt like I was going to vomit.

Because we had come no earlier than we had to, my lawyer had spoken with my ex in the interim. He said he'd agreed to the order, but if he changed his mind we had more than enough documentation. I nodded. We were called into the courtroom.

My mom and the advocate sat behind me. My lawyer stood, and I wasn't sure if I should too. The judge told me I could sit. The tables faced one another, so I sat with my chair turned away from the table toward the judge. He sat facing me.

My lawyer said he'd agreed to the order. He agreed that he had. The judge granted it for two years, the advocate took us to a side room to give him time to leave. My lawyer shook my hand and left. I starting crying as soon as he was gone. I don't know if it was relief.

My mom, the advocate and I stayed for a half hour. They hadn't met one another before, so they talked about nothing while I stared at the wall. When we were sure he'd be gone, we went back by the metal detectors. I paused between the double doors, he was still in the parking lot.

My mom stood in front of me so he couldn't see me through the glass and the advocate stayed in case she was needed to witness. We went back inside. I watched him leave the parking lot and then come back again.

Despite the court house we were standing in or the paper in my hand, there was nothing to stop him from doing that, apparently. We waited until he left again and I got into my mom's car, which was less familiar to him, and we went back to my house to grab a few things.

At the same time as the protective order, the school had sent him an order of no trespassing, so he couldn't set foot on their grounds.

We had decided that we'd go to my sister's house, who was home on maternity leave, to try to salvage the day and my mom's trip.

She wanted to stop for an errand on the way and I assured her that I was going straight to my sister's house, and she didn't need to follow. She still stayed and followed my car off campus to be sure. As I turned out of the driveway, I saw his car parked on the side of the road.

He couldn't get closer because of the no trespassing order, and he pulled out between my mom and I and got on the freeway. My mom was trying to call me to make sure I saw it while I was trying to call the cops. I had to ask 911 to hold a sec to assure her I had noticed.

I told the operator that I had just been issued a protective order and he was following me. She asked how I could be sure he wasn't just driving in the same direction. I told her that he was going the wrong direction for THE STATE HE LIVED IN and had been following me.

It was over 2 hours since the end of the hearing, there was no reason he should still have been there. She told me that she couldn't do anything about it, because his car wasn't within 100 feet of me and my order didn't say anything about him having to stay out of SIGHT distance

She then suggested that I PULL THE CAR OVER ON THE FREEWAY TO SEE IF HE GOES AROUND. I hung up on her.
I called my mom and told her that I was getting off at the next exit and turning back toward the school. He got off too, but he got back on when I turned.

I went to my sister's, and my mom followed me there instead of doing her errands.

I need you to understand what it means when you demand that a person report in order to take them seriously.

My. situation. was. mild.

This process is fucking hell and rife with retraumatization. There are no offered protections during it.

There are too often no offered protections AFTER doing it, and you've put a huge target on your back.

I don't have kids. If I did, I would have put them hugely at risk.

I had support from my job/apartment. If I hadn't, I could have been shit out of luck.

He hadn't physically harmed me yet. It was MUCH easier for me to stand in the same room as him, and it was still goddamn hell.

I am a white cis woman. Despite the laws tying their hands, people WANTED to help me.

I had a job that understood and took me seriously. I could have lost the ability to support myself, the ability to pay for the lawyer that got me this order.

I'll leave you with this.

A year ago, I joined a FB group of people telling their stories. There were hundreds a day.

A woman told her story and I felt myself nodding along, I finally felt validation - her husband was like my ex. He threw things near, not at. He hadn't actually laid hands on her. I got to the bottom of the story and my blood ran cold.

He bought a gun at a big box store. He barricaded himself in the room with their two children, killed them and then himself. He had never laid a hand on her or the kids directly.

There are red flags, but you have to SEE and BELIEVE them for them to save lives.

There are laws, but they are WOEFULLY insufficient.

I can't count the number of times the cops, the director of campus safety, my CFO and others asked me beseechingly "But are you SURE he never hit you?" and "Okay, but he DEFINITELY didn't call you names?"

Sir, he has a masters in communication. He DOES NOT NEED TO CALL ME CHILDISH NAMES. He KNOWS what he's doing and saying. He knows how it will effect me and what I will hear.

Believe women (and men and NB people). Trust your gut. Stick around when you're friends are drowning.

I love you all. I know it's exhausting. Please care.

Thank you all for sharing and commenting. My normal thing is art for asylum reform, so if that’s your thing, please stick around. I’ve been painting every day for more than 4 months to stay focused.

https://mobile.twitter.com/juuust_amanda/status/1161448799069454336

https://twitter.com/juuust_amanda/status/1161448799069454336

If feminism is more your thing, here are some other accounts I recommend who are fighting the daily fight ❤️
The creator of this hashtag, @ProfaneFeminist
Her majesty, @emrazz. The most excellent @stinkydogagain, badass @pinklady_ktown, his awesomeness @Sick1With4Smile

@TheFeministBat, @JnxOuaquaga, @IDreamOfNinja, @InstaFeminista, @heyyguido, @AllisonRFloyd @ErynnBrook and like a billion others I’m not thinking of right now.