Thread by @PatrickRothfuss

Christmas Story is not a good movie.

Beloved? Yes. Good? No.

A few funny bits? Sure. But most of the humor is predicated on some really ugly cultural assumptions prevalent in a blessedly bygone age.

In the classic "Fudge" scene, Ralphie swears, and his mom interrogates him about it. "Where did you hear that word?"

The dad's been cursing up a storm the whole movie, mind you.

Ralphie panics and blames his friend...

Ralphie's mom calls the other kid's mom. Then, over the phone we hear the other mother screaming at her child, hitting him hard enough we can hear the blows.

We hear the kid being hit, crying out in pain and confusion, "OW! What did I do, Ma? OW! I didn't do nothin' Ahhhh!"

This literally goes on for 15 seconds. This furious mother beating her confused, fearful child while he screams and cries and begs for answers.

Ralphie's mom eventually hangs up the phone, rolling her eyes to herself in mild surprise.

The joke is this: "Yikes! What a ridiculous overreaction!"

I watched this movie a ton when I was younger. I loved it. I thought this scene was funny.

But here's the thing: my dad used to spank me. Parents physically punishing their children was part of the culture I grew up in.

To be clear: my dad was not cruel. Didn't beat me. Didn't hit me in anger. But he did spank me.

That's the joke being made here. The assumption is that parents hit their kids. Of course. The scene is funny because it's a ridiculously overblown example of commonplace behavior.

I watched this movie last night with my sons for the first time in maybe 20 years.

When this scene came on, Oot turned to look at me with stark fucking horror in his eyes. Confusion. Dismay.

This wasn't funny to him. He didn't understand what the fuck was happening.

Because in what fucking hellscape does a mom just out of nowhere get fly into a furious rage and fucking hit and hit and hit her screaming, pleading child?

In what sort of hellscape does that just happen and then people just shrug and keep on going with whatever they were doing?

I love the fact that this wasn't funny to him. It means that he hasn't internalized the toxic cultural belief that it's okay to hit kids.

That's something I didn't know as a child. I used to think that hitting kids was maybe okay sometimes, if you did it for the right reasons?

(For those of you who might not know, it's not okay. Nobody should hit kids. Double especially parents and caretakers shouldn't hit their kids.)

The movie's full of things like this. So much of the humor is predicated on elements of 1930's culture that are, to be frank, pretty gross when viewed in a modern light.

Not convinced? Watch the end scene: it's only funny if you're into making fun of other races.

If your memory's rusty: Ralphie's family goes out to eat at the Chop Suey Palace. They're the only ones there.

Ah screw it, you can just watch it here:

Oot didn't understand why this was supposed to be funny either. The restaurant workers sing "Far Ra Ra Ra Ra" instead of "Fa La La La La" while Ralphie's family laughs behind their hands, pointing at the *ridiculous* orientals with their silly clothes, bad accents, & weird food.

Then suddenly Oot brightened up.

"Oh!" he said excited that he understood. "They're singing their culture's version of the song!"

I realized to explain the humor, I'd have to explain how some people think Asian accents, food, clothes, and culture are silly and inappropriate.

Let me say that again very clearly and simply.

In order for my kid to understand the joke being made, I was going to have to explain racism to him.

Protip: If you have to explain racism for your kid to appreciate a joke, it's probably not a joke you want your kid to appreciate.

It's the same with the scene were Ralphie looses his shit on the bully, then graphically beats on him for a solid 90 seconds of screen time.

Yeah. Ralphie viciously pounds on the face of this other kid for 90 seconds straight, while the other kid screams and cries in pain.

Oot was really freaked out by this.

And you know why? Beating on someone's face while they bleed and cry try to get away for a solid 90 seconds is fucking awful.

The fact that everyone watched with delight is fucking awful, too.

How could I explain this to him?

Me: Well, you see, son. This bully has probably been beating up Ralphie and his friends for years. They've been scared of him for a long time....

Oot: [Mute horror and disbelief] Why has that been happening? Why hasn't someone stopped him?

Me: Um. Things were different then.

Oot: ...

Me: Anyway, yeah. My point is this bigger kid kinda had it coming.

Oot: What do you mean?

Me: Well, y'know, when someone's mean to you for long enough, you can go crazy and hurt them really bad and... um... it's... okay?

Oot: ...

He wouldn't understand.

And you know what? I'm fucking delighted that he doesn't.

I want to live in a world where, if someone lashes out violently, they are stared at with the same degree of horror and dismay as if they'd just barfed up a screaming purple slug as big as a pony.

That's all. Imma go eat some tacos now.

Here endeth the lesson.

I'm all full of piss and vinegar tonight. Maybe I'll go out, have a drink, and see what happens...

This bar rocks, they gave me a free shot!