Idea for a book called "harry potter and the stone" where he just finds a stone in a dirty yard and uses it to bash in people's windows. no magic or anything. just 800 pages of harry shattering windows and snarling swear words at anyone inside, then running away
Next book is called "harry potter and the chamber" where he kicks his way through the boards over the door of a condemned paint factory, and finds a room where he has a massive piss, draws a dick on the wall, & spends an aimless hour trying to set fire to bits of insulation foam
In "harry potter and the prisoner", harry meets a sunken-eyed bruiser under a tarp in the local woods, who promises he'll stab one of harry's enemies if he'll bring him a box of KFC and a 35cl bottle of glenn's vodka. But if harry tells anyone, he'll shank him with a bit of glass
Book 4, "harry potter and the fire", sees harry set light to the mildewed wreck of an old caravan on the waste ground outside town, after dousing it with a coke bottle full of petrol he nicked from his dad's car. He doesn't smile once as he watches it burn to ashes & black metal
In "harry potter and the order", harry is caught hauling a breezeblock onto a motorway bridge & is given a referral order to attend a youth offender panel. But instead, he goes to the old quarry, where he spends 3 hours battering the rusted hulk of a JCB with a length of chain.
Book six, "harry potter and the blood" sees harry flee to the woods after his DNA is found in the pool of blood left behind after a thirty person knife fight in an abandoned multistorey car park. Face white from blood loss, he curls up under a bush in the rain, and hallucinates
the saga ends with "harry potter and the death", where after day 6 on the lam, feverish from infection, harry begs a passerby to rob a pharmacy for him, & attacks them with a branch when they refuse. The passerby is an ex-boxer; one lucky punch knocks harry down. He never gets up
Ok I'm sorry that got dark. I can now reveal that harry was 26. Also the passerby turned himself in, but was not charged, & after extensive therapy went on to found a youth charity. There were no voldemorts; the baddie was chronic government underinvestment in social services.
Years later, a new book, set in the same universe: it's called "beasts", & is about the death-eyed, leather-browed regulars of a pub with a flat roof and a lingering scent of urinal cakes, & how they barely suppress their hatred for each other as they gnash back warm, grimy pints
(I am genuinely feeling faintly bummed out by how bleak the thread got with "& the death", but I'd sort of painted myself into a corner with the format, hadn't I? Let's say it's all salvaged by a west end play that reveals harry lived, sorted his life out, & became a counsellor)
After "beasts" is adapted to film, a sequel is released called "beasts: the crimes", which is just a 3 hour sequence of harrowing smash cuts between car park tussles, snooker cue batterings, and drastic escalations of budget supermarket robberies.
YES OK THIS IS THE CANON NOW
BEASTS: THE CRIMES 
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