Thread by @eketiette

#CabChronicles

When I've had a really exhausting day and I'm looking forward to going home to a delicious meal of Afang soup and garri, my bed, with the laptop in front of me, on which I'll watch Kingsman: The Secret Service for the 28th time.

I had that kind of day.

On a day like this, when I board a cab, I don't want the driver or any other person to talk to me.

Alas! Some people will not agree. Like the proverbial village people, they're relentless and must talk and drag me into doing the same.

I board this cab.
The driver just wouldn't shut up. After several unsuccessful attempts at a light doze, I give up when he starts to talk about his love life.

"Madam, you see me, I'm a very faithful man. I don't like heartbreak, so I only date one woman at a time."

"Really?"

"But women eh, you can’t trust them. My last girlfriend, she nearly killed me.”

He looks in the rear view mirror to see if I’m listening. I give him an encouraging nod and he goes on.

“Sister, ask me how she nearly killed me.”

I smile dutifully. “How did she nearly kill you?"

“Ehen! You have asked the right question. You see me ba, I used to test all my women. This one, when I test her, she failed the test.”

He looks back again and I immediately play my part. “What test?”

He bobs his head in approval.

“I told her that there's a room in my house that she should not enter. It’s ordinary room o, like store, but I was just testing her to see if she’s obedient. I told her that if she enter that room, she have kill me be dat.”

“And she entered?”

“Gbam! One day, I went for work and when I come back, she have used something to open that door. She didn’t even say let her enter and go o; she search (read as satch) the room. Kai, my dear, I was disappointed.”

I make the appropriate sympathetic noises, even as I absently note that I’ve gone from madam, to sister, to my dear.

“As you see me so, I’m a simple man.”

I nod, and say nothing.

“I treat women with respect. I’m just looking for someone that match me, that will be a good, obedient wife and understand me.”

"OK."

“Erm…my dear, are you married?”

I clear my throat.

“Driver?” I say.

“Enh?” he replies.

“Drop me here.”

After I get down, I board the next cab which will take me straight home. Again, I'm the only passenger. I hope this driver will hold his tongue.

Not long after I board, a well-dressed gentleman flags down the cab and gets in the back, instead of the front. Curious, I think.

This one doesn't waste any time.

“Hi. You back from work?” he asks.

Hay God! What is this nah? 😭

“Hello? I’m asking if you had a nice day?”

I still keep mum.

Then he goes and taps my arm. I turn and look at him with an inquiring, surprised gaze.

“How was your day?”

I stare at him for three seconds, give a beatific smile and...signal in sign language.

I actually signal “You complete me,” which is the only thing I can sign. But I add extra moves by pointing to my ear and shaking my head.

The fellow is startled and waves a “sorry.”

I smile and shake my head to indicate “no problem.”

Disabilities make many people uncomfortable. Unsurprisingly, he turns away. Occasionally, he peeks at me out of the corner of his eye.

I’m sure he’s thinking, “Eh yah, this fine girl is deaf and dumb."
You know Nigerians nah, the two must go together.

Anyway, as I’m typing this, my voice is yet to return. At least I have been left alone with my fascinating thoughts for company.

By the way, I'm having yam pottage for lunch, in case you're interested. Come, join me.

Happy Easter, folks!