THREAD A few months ago, I took steps to address my mental health. I think I've known for a long time that I've had anxiety and depression issues I just chose to ignore them, to lean into them, to just turn my nose up at them like I was superior somehow. I wasn't, I'm not. (1/23)
I don't know what the origin is, where it started or why. I just know it's there, it's been sitting on my shoulder whispering into my ear telling me I don't deserve happiness and that everyone is looking at me and mocking me and I'm not worth a damn, or not good enough (2/23)
As a kid at some point I became a tornado of emotion. Fighting with my mom, breaking down in tears about going to school, even skipping 2 weeks straight by hiding in a patch of bushes until it was safe to go back home. No one noticed. (3/23)
At some point I started chewing the holy fuck out of my fingers, that lasted over two decades, not even sure on the time frame. I didn't think anything about it. Just thought it was a thing. I didn't like it, it brought me shame but it was just a thing I did. No idea why. (4/23)
I hid it well I think. I didn't talk about it I bottled my feelings up tight and deep. Sometimes it would slip out in the middle of the night when i'd wake up with waves of emotions pushing me over the edge, or when a song would bring me to tears (Thanks @kelly_clarkson) (5/23)
This went on for most of my life it erased memories of my childhood, most of which I can't recall. I was living a half-life. Trying to maintain some kind of normalcy. Trying to accomplish a life when I was never really living. It was unfair to those that i loved, and to me (6/23)
I've had really dark moments. Moments of staring into a mirror wondering if it'd be better if I just sank into the floor covered myself with a bathmat and vanished. I thought it'd be better for everyone if I was just gone and how quickly their relief would come (7/23)
I remember hearing how bad being gay was from family, from my father, who threatened to rip someone's head off for joking about taking me to the rainbow room. I could never be me at home, that's why I left. I didn't realize that I was never really me wherever I was. (8/23)
I was so burdened with confusion and pain and this growing nagging hate of myself. I remember one time standing in the shower just starring at my stepmom's razor wondering if it would do the job. Maybe that explains this weird scar on my wrist. Maybe I did more than stare. (9/23)
It was just thoughts. I never really tried but the thought of it would creep up now and then, that damn "Maybe it'd be better if..." was always there, just scratching at the door, tapping at the window. For decades. Then, the fear, of myself, of what being gay meant. (10/23)
Hell, I don't even drive now because I let fear of just LIVING take such a stranglehold on my life. It cost me everything. It cost me stability, probably the only relationship I've had, it cost me a life to enjoy. It cost me the me I should have always been. (11/23)
I didn't have a bad childhood. My parents loved us, gave us what they could, spoiled us to some extent. Despite his religious stuff, my dad is a good guy. He's come around a lot. I don't blame them for any of this. That's the thing, I don't know where it came from. (12/23)
I never talk about my feelings. I never open up. I don't like burdening people with my problems or emotions. I do my best to ignore them but when I find myself running through band-aids like oxygen because i've ripped them to shreds...it's hard to pretend I'm okay. (13/23)
That's the epiphany. After my relationship ended, after I was literally days from moving home, after years of failing jobs, and when things started to work out a bit and I was still just trapped in darkness I had to admit it. I had to accept it. I was not okay. At all. (14/23)
So, when I could, during a check up, I talked to my doctor. I took the chance. I said, "I think i might be depressed." That was the bravest thing I have ever done in my life. Not moving across country, not trying to be a writer. It was saying those six words out loud. (15/23)
I let this depression and anxiety rule me. I let it affect my writing, pushing me into a corner blaming everything and everyone one for my failure, my lack of progress and work, except the one thing that was really causing it: me. It was too much for too long. So I spoke (16/23)
My doctor and I settled on a medication, Effexor XR. It works for me. I feel different. I feel like ME. People have said I'm like a different person. I walk looking forward now instead of at the ground. I feel like doing things, seeing people, smiling. I don't feel afraid (17/23)
We recently kicked up the dosage a bit to further help with anxiety. I haven't stopped completely but i'm almost there with my fingers. They're healing. I can see fingerprints, which were gone. I'm getting better. I'm healing. I'm alive. I'm climbing out of this pit. (18/23)
For the first time I can remember I am starting to feel good about myself. I feel like I want to better myself. It's a weird feeling and I'm not used to it. I want to be better for the people in my life and most important for me. (19/23)
I want other people to feel this way. It's okay. You aren't crazy. You aren't worthless. There is a stigma for this kind of thing that just isn't fair. you deserve to be you and to be happy and to care about yourself. You just have to be brave enough to speak the words. (20/23)
I am not alone. YOU are not alone. You are not worthless. There is a way out. It might not be the same way as me, but the path is there. I sit here typing this, wet eyes and all, wondering what if I had done it. What if I had gone through with it. I'm so glad I didn't. (21/23)
Depression, mental illness, is NOT a stigma. Taking medication to fix it is NOT a stigma. Some people need it. Don't be afraid to try it, to try something. You deserve to be the real you, just like I do. I'm still trying to figure out who I am now. I'm excited to do it. (22/23)
I'm not cured, maybe down the road I'll look into things like therapy. I'm not there yet. It's a journey and an evolution but for now, I am on the road to feeling happiness, truly, for the first time in as long as I can remember. I'm okay. Really okay. That feels good. Finally.
