This, by the way, is what ADHD looks like. Not that I haven't given you enough examples, but you can always use more.
I've been programming since I was 12. I have two or three completed projects, if that. gekk.info/code/ has everything I could think of sharing, and of those, really only SIP Ping is what I would call any kind of 'finished'
In recent years this has gotten maybe a little bit better? But mostly because making big leaps of functionality got easier as I slowly learned more, so it takes longer to hit the 'slog' part of programming
You may have seen me shit-talk FOSS many times before. I was projecting, and I was also right. A ton of FOSS devs only want to do things that look cool - low-hanging fruit. This is why Linux gets a new file manager every six months.
It's very, very easy to make a file manager in conceptual terms. That is, all the requirements are laid out and each time you finish a feature you can just look at /another/ file manager to find another juicy feature to implement. Each one gives you a dopamine burst. You Did It
Is the work /easy/? No. There are tons of gotchas and pitfalls, and you can address them with gusto because they're crashes, files not showing up, programs not starting, really juicy, tasty, delicious issues to resolve.
You know what's not flashy and fun and well defined? Writing heuristics for intelligently merging two directories. Or putting alt text on every <img> on the article you wrote about doing this.
When you have ADHD - and maybe when you don't - and you hit this moment, the dopamine cuts off and /you are done/. Maybe you get half an hour into this phase, then you get interrupted and when you try to go back to it your brain is like "uh, no dude."
No amount of conscious urging helps. You open copy.cpp and you're staring at it and none of the lines are resolving. You're looking right through the window, trying to read the text but seeing whatever else your brain is thinking about right now.
Your brain tentatively let you approach this task, then it found out how unsatisfying it was and hit the fire escape running.
How much of this can be resolved by discipline? I don't know. I've never had an ounce of discipline in my life and idk which way the cause/effect goes.
How much of this can be resolved by discipline? I don't know. I've never had an ounce of discipline in my life and idk which way the cause/effect goes.
But this project also illustrates the flip side - I have never troubleshot a network protocol in my life, let alone a low level protocol in C with no comments. I have never read a book or even an article on it and I have no specialized tools.
I couldn't even use printf debugging because I couldn't figure out how to enable the console on this app. So I had to figure out how breakpoints work in Visual Studio for C++, what I could do with execution paused, how to examine the state and extract info
I had to reverse engineer both the server and client and figure out how to translate a dump in visual studio so I could compare it to a wireshark packet capture. I also had to figure out how to add code to identify the clients source port so I could filter the pcap.
I would say "this is not to brag" but it IS a brag. Look what I accomplished! Self-taught! I'm smart! I'm good at this shit! That's what makes it so frustrating to have goddamn ADHD!
This is what it's like Being Us. Remembering times when we did stuff like this that we didn't even know we could do but once we got stuck on it, it's ALL we could do. So what made it possible this time? It was possible because when I was done I could reveal it to you.
That's it. I couldn't have done this for myself. I couldn't have done it just because it was a good idea. The only thing that motivated me was knowing that when I was finished I could post EXACTLY the thread that I posted and get the satisfaction of being interesting.
The reason I wrote my SIP Ping utility was solely because I wanted to prove to someone at work that there was a problem that they weren't seeing. And it did accomplish that. I spent two days working on it and when I was done I got what I wanted.
I wrote a static HTML gallery generator in a fit of spite because my brain decided that showing up all the people who inexplicably need these things to run on Node or make overcomplicated shit that's impossible to understand was a worthwhile endeavor
I learned how to hack DOSbox to display corrupted 8x14 text accurately because I wanted to wow everyone on Twitter and make a neat Youtube video that would impress people. This is all that makes it above the noise floor in my head.
It's not exactly accurate to say I Just Want Attention. Yes, I want attention, but not for validation. I am pretty happy with myself as a person. I want attention because *making you care about the things I want to get done means I get them done.*
This means the only projects I can get myself to care about are Prestige Shit. It's hard for me to get anything done that's boring. Terrible way to live my life, you say. I should do things for more wholesome reasons, you say. Yeah, well, take that to the bank and try to cash it.
This is it. This is my best coping mechanism: tell myself over and over that everyone's gonna be hyped and I'm gonna make their day when I show them what I did. Tbh it works better than anything I've ever tried, it has real, positive results.
It works better than the meds did, better than any amount of focused thought or planning did. I honestly don't know what else to do. This is the only thing I've ever come up with that seemed like a hard, tangible action and not "think more positively :)"
popped over to my TL and saw this - immediately relevant because I've been analyzing this feeling for years trying to figure it out, and I believe it's the same root cause.
It's like this: I don't want anyone to know I'm doing something before I've done it, because that removes my ability to surprise them. That's it. That's my only motivation, anywhere, ever.
It's a really problematic behavior because it results in nonsense like "I'm gonna put away the dishes" <girlfriend walks in> "Whoops guess that's not happening, ever"
Is this part of ADHD itself? Eh. Is it comorbid? Oh hell yea babey you betcha!!!!
The order of operations, as I view it, goes like this:
First: I had ADHD and had a hard time concentrating on tasks
Then: My parents didn't get this and harped on me to do chores, which I couldn't concentrate on because there was no reward factor
First: I had ADHD and had a hard time concentrating on tasks
Then: My parents didn't get this and harped on me to do chores, which I couldn't concentrate on because there was no reward factor
Next: By accident, I discovered that doing things my parents didn't expect me to do made me feel satisfied, like I'd put one over on them - "hah, you didn't think I could do it, I showed you."
Result: This created a path for normal chores to produce a mental reward big enough to overcome the malfunctions of my executive dysfunction, and I became addicted to / dependent on it.
Which one is it? Do I enjoy the satisfaction of showing off so much that I am refusing to do anything but hedonistically indulge in it? Or is this just the only way I've learned to do anything with a malfunctioning brain? Theory: Who gives a shit?
t doesn't really matter, the end result is the same and this is such a crusty old part of me that I don't think it's going to change. The best I can do is game it. You are part of me gaming it, right now, and I thank you for the service.
Unfortunately the ways in which This Kills The Crab are innumerable, and the biggest one is that I can't plan jack shit. Even /writing down notes for myself/ kills motivation. I have to surprise /myself/ too.
My girlfriend (love you hon) is sometimes very frustrated with my spontaneity. If I try to plan stuff, it doesn't happen. Not because I'm bad at planning but because *the act of planning, itself* kills my motivation. And god forbid I tell anyone.
If you've heard me say I'm going to do a thing, I'm not. If I told you but I'm still doing it, that's because I'm planning /other/ stuff you don't know about.
