Thread by @BBolander

I cannot describe how much I hate Jurassic World, its grasping desperation to latch tick-like onto the real emotions the original movie invoked, and its deeply, deeply, deeply fucked handling of women, but

Okay no yeah let me describe how much I hate this fucking movie

It wants to pay homage, insofar as it thinks it can piggyback on the nostalgia that might invoke, but it also wants to coyly do shit like having its KILLERMONSTERVICIOUSSAURUS (that reads like the kind of dinosaur a six-year old would draw eating Optimus Prime) beat up the T-Rex

and having the two deeply unappealing teenager boys it dares the audience to give a shit about literally set fire to the WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH banner from the original film.

Also Chris Pratt is not Harrison Ford. He's not even Sam Neill.

Every character is deeply dumb when they're not being actively obnoxious and hoo boy the gender politics, others have dissected this better but what an absolute shitshow

"Hey, so bad news, we couldn't get Michael Douglas for Romancing the Stone, but--No, we didn't get Cary Elwes, either--but you know who WAS available? Jim Belushi! Yes, THAT Jim Belushi!"

"She's the beta."

"Who's the alpha?"

"You're lookin' at him, kid."

Hrkk-hrrk-HRRRBLLLLLLLLLARGH

I'll never stop vomiting, this is how the world ends, drowning in my fucking bilious vomit over this horrible movie

"Your boyfriend's a badass!"

And the little lady smiles, properly put into her place after briefly having the heretical idea that she could have a career.

Vomiting intensifies

Can we go back to the INDOMITUS REX and how it reads like something Calvin would get yanked out of designing by Mrs. Wormwood

If Calvin had sustained a concussive head injury beforehand

I just want it to turn out that Bryce Newton Howard has actually secretly been bonding with the raptors and now they'll only take commands from a woman and then Chris Pratt gets ripped apart in exactly the same amount of grisly detail they devoted to that lady assistant's death

And then, I dunno, she becomes Queen of the Fucking Raptors and shoves a stiletto heel through Pratt's eye for good measure, never to be worn again.

As annoying as Pratt is, at least the GotG movies didn't expect me to fucking believe that he was competent on any goddamned level, reanimated dinosaurs I can take

Movie's like, "Shit, why don't we get the T-Rex in here to clean us our mess of a finale, presumably like the writers of this movie are always asking women to do anyways"

You couldn't wish a horrendous, career-sinking shitbomb like Book of Henry on a more deserving director than Colin Trevorrow, that's all I gotta say.

CAN'T WAIT FOR THE SEQUEL!!!111

Here's my four-point plan for making the sequel not a shitshow:

- No more Chris Pratt
- Nothing but raptors, the raptors are our leads and we care about those good girls more than we ever did the teen boys or Chris Pratt
- Maybe they raise a human baby?
- Profit.

Gonna be honest with you, I just want Beasts of the Southern Wild with raptor friends.

I'm a simple woman with simple needs and all I'm saying is MAKE THE RAPTORS THE LEADS ALREADY

Fun fact: The brief run of Jurassic Park sequel comics Topps put on in '94 or thereabouts were ridiculous, badly drawn, and STILL somehow more creative and engaging at times than this gaping anal fissure of a cash grab.

More Fun Facts! In every single photo of Colin Trevorrow that exists he's making this face:

It's a little unsettling. All of them. That face.

The longer I think about this the madder I fucking get. We got Ellie and Lex, both of whom saved the fucking day. Who the fuck do little girls going into this hot mess of dogshit have to look up to, exactly?

I mean, other than the raptors, which is perfectly acceptable.

How the hell is representation sliding backwards so fucking hard in Hollywood in so many different ways?

I shouldn't drink before bed.

And right on fucking topic, the world hauls back and proves my fucking point.

indiewire.com/2018/05/jurass…

And, AND, I didn't even bother getting into how terribly shot this movie is. It's bad. It's bad in every way. Compared to the original JP twenty-five fucking years ago, the CGI is hot dog shit scraped over toast, and ol' Colin can't compose a decent shot to save his life.

Like, the writing and acting and thematical elements and tone of the thing are such a deep-dish shit lasagna I haven't even gotten to the technical layers yet. The reviewer at Cracked actually covers it pretty well, though:

cracked.com/blog/hey-every…

And oh Jesus take the fucking wheel and jump this motherfucker over a flaming dumpster full of medical waste, the 'personal quotes' part of Colin Trevorrow's IMDB is

"'Jurassic Park' movies don't fit into a specific genre. They're sci-fi adventures that also have to be funny, emotional, and scary as hell. That takes a lot of construction, but it can't feel designed."

I

Did you--

Wha--

Okay, so, if you're not just talking out your ass, did you ... slip into a fugue state during the entire production of this movie? This movie where my boyfriend walked in last night and thought it was a commercial for Lexus until Pratt stepped out of the car?

"With all this talk of filmmakers 'ruining our childhood,' we forget that right now is someone else's childhood. This is their time. And I have to build something that can take them to the same place those earlier films took us."

Says the man who made a JP movie where women are treated in an almost cartoonishly toxic manner when they're even allowed on-screen at all. Yep. Presumably the subtext here is "movies for boys! Girls can do whatever."

Eat every inch of a dead dog's asshole, my dude.

And it's really kind of sad, because ALSO in those quotes you get him going on and on about how much he loved Amblin's stuff as a kid and how much Spielberg takes from David Lean and John Ford

And yet apparently the man somehow got through stuffing himself full of that stuff as a kid AND a film studies degree at NYU without learning a god-damned thing.

Pay attention in class, folks, or someone will give you the keys to a beloved childhood franchise and then you'll make Book of Henry.

Someone mentioned J.J. fucking Abrams and oh yeah, he's been more successful because he's at least workmanlike, occasionally he aims a camera and a nice shot lines up, but all these Spielberg-worshipping men who didn't learn a goddamned thing from the movies they claim to love

Oh, and did I mention Colin Trevorrow's currently slated to write and direct Jurassic World 3, the sequel you've all been clamouring for?

You honestly have to have some genus of respect for a film so bad you keep thinking of new things that made you angry for like twelve straight hours.