Thread by @B_g2w

This is the full response to the "Do something, please."

I'm sorry. This is nature taking it's course. We could take him to the ICU, put him on oxygen and other life support, but that won't improve his condition in any lasting way.

(cont)

We cannot do anything to make him better than this.

Here, family members usually have a change of expression that makes me think they are trying to understand what I'm saying.

I could stop there, but I usually don't. I've seen too many people without family, with family on the way, with family arriving 5 minutes too late to say Good Bye.

I'm very sorry. This is nature taking its course and we can't change that.
All we can do, all you can do, is be with him, and let him know he is loved. If you have something to tell him, now is the time.
I'm very sorry.

Then I quietly leave.

I've told my mother this a few times. This is not the time to sugar coat things.
Today, she came to me to announce that my father said he doesn't feel like eating any more, ever.

She seemed surprised.
No sugar here. No vinegar either. Facts. Just the facts.
My reply?
"Mom, he's dying. Did you remember the list I gave you?"

She had asked for a list of the signs of dying. Of course, she was hoping I was mistaken.

Her reply to that was a brisk, "I didn't memorize it."
I explained, "Lack of appetite and weight loss is a key sign. The metabolism is slowing down. The body doesn't require the fuel or nutrients it needed before. ..."

(cont)

"... Making him eat will only make him uncomfortable. Let him do what he wants to do. We want to keep him comfortable."

She paused to think about that, started to walk away, then hesistated

(cont)

My mom replied at how grateful she is that my dad isn't in any pain. She remarked that dying is something we all will do.

(cont)

I gave her my philosophy on life.
"Yes, we all die and it's true that we are all equal in death. But we are not all equal in dying. Dad is very fortunate. He is not in pain. He's had a full life. He knows he's had a full life. He is with the person he loves and she is with him."

To be honest. I think this is one of the best ways to go. It's slow, but it's painless. It's rough on the spouse, yet it shifts priorities. People spend time together. Without talking, they can feel love. It's a strange heartening with melancholy.

I think others may think of me as cold as I've been very matter of fact and getting things done. Arranging hospice, playing go-between between my mother and the health aides, and a lot of... well, I'm not really sure, but it keeps me busy.

When I wake up with my first cup of coffee, I'll start a 90 min or 2-hour youtube video. Sometimes it takes 2 days to get through it. Since I started this thread, my assistance has been requested at least 7 times.

DVD remotes are trick things of octogenarians.

All the same, I wanted to explain why I've been away. I didn't want to appear as appealing for sympathy.

I honestly don't need empathy or sympathy. He's had a great life and he's having one of best of all possible dyings.

My mom OTOH, she needs my empathy and sympathy. She needs me to take care of the stuff that is done when people are dying, have died, and are dead.

That's what I try to do, plus a little "fix" the DVD, "fix" the email, find the eyeglasses/cane/book/magazine.

I've returned because I realized, this is an experience I should probably share. Most people go through the death of a loved one, or through a friend going through the death of family member.

Death can be lonely and cold. Death can be touching and beautiful. This I believe.