Thread by @jgheller

1/ If we want to have positive change -- say eat better or be kinder -- we should always strive to play games where honesty is the optimal strategy. Below, a thread on the topic

2/ When we are in single player mode - alone with our thoughts - we lie to ourselves all the time.

We tell ourselves stories to explain away events and behaviors in our favor all the time.

We find ways to hides from ourselves so we don’t register what we see.

3/ Some examples of how we lie to ourselves all the time:
We think our motives are altruistic -- and tell others as much -- when self-interest is often the real drive. @kevinsimler shows how increases in health care expenditure is mostly about conspicuous consumption

4/ We constantly enter into contracts - with ourselves and with others - that we know we can't fulfill. We tell ourselves we will only eat one small piece of the cake when we know we will end up eating the whole thing

5/ Some examples of hiding from ourselves all the time:

We drive, eat and sometimes even talk automatically, without even realizing how we got there, how the whole bag of chips is gone or, what we even said
If we don’t like our weight we stop looking at our belly.

6/ If we don’t like our bank account we look at it less. If we don’t like what's in our minds, we doze off on the TV for hours.

7/ For one, we lie to and hide from ourselves to preserve our sense of self

Our innate instinct is to protect ourselves, to reinterpret the world (or ignore it all together if need be) to keep our sense of self-intact

8/ We also lie to ourselves to protect our perceived value amongst our peers.

We lie for politics, sex, and social status. We hide our weaknesses and enhance our virtues to be competitive in the social sphere.

9/ In those games, everyone in it lies as well. Is the multiplayer mode of the dishonesty game.

These lies we tell are no totally disconnected from reality. They work more like perfumes or makeup.

10/ To lie and hide from ourselves is problematic because it makes it impossible to change.

Knowing how to change is super important.

We all have aspects of ourselves we want to improve. We want to eat better, exercise more, read more, be more patient, be more present

11/ But if we optimize for the preservation of our current identity (single player dishonesty game) or to win at social games that benefit from deception (multiplayer mode), change becomes really hard

12/ It is crazy how much we design our environment to support these lies.

We look for jobs, friends, spouses, cities, media to support our current identity. We don’t want to be challenged, we want constant affirmation.

13/ If we are trying to protect who we are now, strategic lying will be part of our optimal strategy.

Same may be true if we are aiming to improve our social standing.

14/ If we are trying to change (eat better, read more), the key is to play games where honesty is the optimal strategy. This the necessary condition for positive change

A patently obvious but easy to miss fact: we can’t change ourselves if the “self” is a mirage or in hiding

15/ One of the hard things about change is sustaining it over time. If we want to sustain any type of relationship long term (with people -- like a spouse -- or things -- like food -- ) we need to play games where honesty is the optimal strategy.

16/ Not fooling ourselves is the necessary condition for change. So, how do we not fool ourselves?

Build an environment and a set of incentives which rewards us for being honest with ourselves

That is, set the rules of the games the right way

17/ We must take an outlook on the self and those around us where change is welcome. There are useful perspectives that help:

- We are a product of our circumstances. The fact that we could have been someone else is helpful in accepting that we can be someone else

18/ Nowadays, many are living past 90 years. That is a ton of time to change and be more than one version of oneself

- Things that worked before may not work now. A lot of traditions worked when people lived different lives (work was more physical, families, where closer)

19/ Game rules: The first rule of any game that rewards honesty is to pay attention

- If we trying to change how we talk to others, paying attention to what we say is key
- If we are trying to change what we eat, acknowledging what we eat is of the essence

20/ The second rule of any game that rewards honesty is to hold a mirror

A mirror is a third person or artifact that shows an aspect of you from an outside perspective. This is an instrument of honesty. It shows us what we have done and it breaks the internal spell

21/ The third rule of any game that rewards honesty is to make sure we know who is playing with us and who is not

There are a bunch of accepted behavior & expectations that rewards lying and hiding....

22/ ...These get in the way of you changing.

When you are playing the honesty game in one aspect of your life, find people to support that game. They must reward and cheer honesty and solicit and encourage honesty when absent.

23/ Being honest with yourself is a precondition. No honesty, no change.

But it is not sufficient. I’ll try to write later on about how to change once you figure out how to play a game when honesty is the optimal strategy