Thread by @kelly_j_baker

Lately, I have been thinking about how much easier my life *feels* now that I'm not depressed & I'm working to manage my anxiety.

Things that seemed impossibly hard like making a phone call or sending one more email are easy.

Smiling at people, who I don't know but smile at me, becomes easy.

Attending conferences, which still stresses me out but a lot less, feels easy.

I even find myself reaching out to talk to folks & joining folks for meals is easier.

Playing with my kids, which had become hard even as I faked happiness, is a joy.

Handling PTO stuff, which can be super annoying at times, is easy peasy. Even if I still complain.

It's like the burden that depression imposed on me has been lifted & I never realized how heavy the burden was until it was gone.

But mostly, what I am most surprised by is my ability to reach out & connect.

Reaching out had become impossible while I was depressed, so I stopped reaching out altogether (except to a few people who kept reaching out to me).

I had stopped texting folks. I had stopped calling & emailing. I stopped interacting with people as I trudged through my days. Or I faked some sort of happiness & pushed away all inquiries about how I felt or where I disappeared to.

Going out to lunch with friends? Too much.

Saying "hello" & making small talk to other parents? No way.

Video conferencing with colleagues? Hell no.

Why reach out when you are convinced that you have nothing to offer & everything is exhaustingly hard?

So, I tweeted. In spite of depression. Because tweeting meant some sort of connection but I could tweet from bed or the couch in pajamas. No one would know.

But, some of you knew, and y'all reached out while I couldn't.

Thank you for that.

All of this to say, depression is terrible because it erodes your ability to do so many things, but it is so toxic because it removes your ability to connect or reach for other people when you need them the most.

Which I could only recognize when I was no longer depressed.

It is remarkably lovely & joyous & amazing to want to do all the things that I had found impossible.

And mostly, I'm glad that I can just be with other people & it is something I want to do.