So, remember when I tweeted out this poll? Let me tell you a bit about the context behind it. Here's a little thread about anger, activism, and survivor's guilt.
I've spoken about the intersection of anger and activism before. Anger can fuel you, or it can consume & destroy you. But anger on its own isn't bad. Or avoidable. twitter.com/iyad_elbaghdad…
Granted all of this, for several days I've been seething. It didn't feel like "good" anger; it felt like corrosive anger. I knew the background - a string of events that triggered some pretty shitty memories - but I still couldn't hit the breaks on the anger.
In that poll, most people said "don't change". But I realize now why I tweeted that poll in the first place - I was afraid that I was pursuing my activism out of that corrosive, punitive kind of anger, rather than positive, motivating anger.
It's OK to be angry on behalf of people, or in defense of principles. It's not OK to be angry on behalf of your own ego, or to lash out in order to make yourself feel better. That's never OK.
That said, and even knowing all this, I kept feeling like I'm constantly suppressing rage and constantly about to go off. Then I went to my PTSD therapy session and spoke to my therapist (who I think is a genius).
If you're an activist, especially with a history of trauma, I strongly recommend therapy. You'll basically have a highly trained, compassionate professional look at you objectively, in a way you just can't.
On this occasion, my therapist helped me see that my anger was really a defense mechanism to prevent me from allowing myself to feel grief. When you're angry, you're fighting; when you're grieving, you're not. By staying angry I get to stay fighting, and I get to not grieve.
Where is this coming from? Survivor's guilt. Many activists feel guilty for having survived an event that so many friends and comrades didn't. Survivor's guilt makes me want to stay angry, keep fighting, and, avoid grieving.
I can now see it very clearly; for example in this thread from last year, when I was feeling suicidal. I was afraid to stop being angry, because I'm afraid of what's hiding behind the anger. twitter.com/iyad_elbaghdad…
I can see now that even my suicidal impulses weren't coming from some kinda abject existential despair, they were coming from fear of complacency and cynicism. In effect, I was thinking that I'd rather die than turn cynical and stop fighting.
Survivor's guilt is still with me, stopping me from feeling self compassion, because it tells me that self-compassion is complacent and self-involved; that it's too close to self-pity. Or perhaps, it's the fear that one will lead to the other.
I'm sure there's more reasons why I don't allow myself to grieve. I'm afraid of grieving because I'm afraid of the deep loneliness that comes with it. But also, what if I can't stop grieving? What if I break down entirely?
But I think the loneliness tops the list.
My therapist says I have to allow myself to feel grief. I still haven't figured out how to do that and I have no answers at this point. It's just a small realization that I wanted to share. Maybe such reflections will help fellow activists.
And once again, note this thread.
twitter.com/iyad_elbaghdad…
twitter.com/iyad_elbaghdad…
"If you can be brave, be brave. If you can't be brave, then be kind."
-- @sarahkendzior
-- @sarahkendzior
