Thread by @SamSykesSwears

druids as a class are rough because turning into a bear isn’t great against, like, a dragon or iron golem, so you enter this arms race where druids have to spit bees and shit hurricanes just to stay viable in this dark earth

god damn, though, fighting a Druid must be stressful
you try to cast a spell and he throws a goddamn squirrel in your mouth
and that’s how your adventure ends: choking on a squirrel

Hail Altheran, Paladin Avenger of the Temple of Light.
Hail Santress, Wizard of the Tower and Lady of the Arcane.
Hail Steve, Unwashed Guy Who Lives In the Woods With a Beaver Named Ted.

you fight a Druid and you wake up the next morning with a rash you can’t explain and are afraid to know what it is
it smells like gas station sushi and you’ve had a strange craving for lemonade and dried bugs since you noticed it
this is a Druid’s power

you wake up in the middle of the night and see the party Druid near the campfire, arguing violently with a mushroom
you lean closer
he’s drawn your face on the mushroom

the dungeon is finished, the time comes to divide up the treasure
the Druid takes the boots, they're not even magical, he doesn't care--he takes every type of footwear you find, sometimes right off of corpses
you've never once seen him wear any of them

the Druid is about to be cleaved in twain by an Orc
you parry its blow, saving his life
the next evening, you find a live trout in your bedroll. You look across the fire to the Druid, he looks back at you
and winks

the march through Hobgoblin territory stretches into the night
everyone's nerves are on edge, fearing an ambush
the Druid whispers to you: "here, smoke this to take the edge off"
he discreetly passes you an acorn

you are ambushed by Gnolls and a spear goes through your shoulder
you fall and ask the Druid for healing
he thinks, then nods sagely
he bashes you in the knee with an oak branch

you're walking through the ruins with the Druid
he nudges you, shoots you a lascivious, suggestive waggle of the eyebrows and gestures expectantly
behind him is a patch of lichen

you hear whispering and see the Druid muttering something to a frog
they both fall silent as you pass
and then resume when they think you're out of earshot

you wake up and feel the claws of a badger carefully braiding your hair
lying perfectly still, you look across the camp
the Druid's bedroll is empty

as you're riding through the forest, a bird poops on your shoulder
you look across the road, the Druid is looking back at you
with bird poop on his shoulder
you worry you might now be married

the Troll sniffs the air, searching for your scent
ten feet away behind a wall, the Druid looks you dead in the eyes and slides his entire fist into his mouth
daring you to say something