Thread by @SamSykesSwears

INTERIOR: Frasier's Apartment
Enter NILES
FRASIER: Hello, Niles. Say, did you perchance happen to witness the mysterious meteor that landed in Seattle last night?
NILES' head splits open, revealing six screaming mouths.
FRASIER: I'll ask Les Freres to move our reservation.

INTERIOR: KACL Studios
Enter FRASIER
FRASIER: Roz, have you noticed a certain joie de vivre missing from our fellow citizens today?
ROZ looks up from BULLDOG's twitching corpse and cackles through a mouthful of blood.
FRASIER: I see Macy's was having a sale.
cue audience laughter

INTERIOR: Recording booth
FRASIER: On the line we've got Bob, who's having trouble with his wife. Hello, Bob. I'm listening.
CALLER: Hello? Anybody? My wife, she's...got all these...CLAWS. Oh my god, she's breaking in. Help me! HELP M-
FRASIER: The ol' ball and chain, eh, Bob?

INTERIOR: FRASIER’s apartment
Enter FRASIER
FRASIER: Dad, what say we go out for Italian tonight? My treat.
MARTY: Aw gee, Fras, I don’t want to miss the birth of the Nightmother.
MARTY opens his third eye, his skin melting off.
FRASIER: Perhaps I’ll just go to...McDonald’s.

INTERIOR: Apartment
FRASIER: Daphne, would you mind picking up my suit from the dry cleaner?
DAPHNE opens her mouth and vomits a twisting knot of writhing eels onto the floor, each of them screaming in her voice.
FRASIER: A simple “no” would have sufficed.

INTERIOR: Coffee shop
FRASIER: A cappuccino, my good man, with just a hint of foam, if you please.
BARISTA: And for your brother?
FRASIER looks to NILES, crouched on four backward-bending limbs as his dozen tongues entrap a nearby shrieking rat
FRASIER: ...decaf.
Audience laughs.

INTERIOR: Restaurant
FRASIER looks over the table at his date.
FRASIER: Care for dessert? The creme brûlée here is to DIE for.
Her mouth gapes wide, exposing hundreds of rows of jagged teeth stained with ichor.
FRASIER: Or perhaps you’re ready for the forbidden fruit...

INTERIOR: Recording Booth
FRASIER: Well, that’s an interesting dilemma, caller. Roz, what do you think?
ROZ shrieks, her dozen tentacles lashing against the glass divider as she opens a toothsome, slavering maw.
FRASIER: Well, SOMEONE went to state college.

INTERIOR: Frasier’s Apartment
FRASIER: Now remember, dad, I’m having Dr Windsher here in half an hour. Keep that...THING in your room.
EDDIE opens his mouth, turning his face inside out and exposing the pale visage of a whispering three-eyed maiden.
FRASIER: Oh, BAD dog.

INTERIOR: Restaurant
FRASIER: Hello, Francois. Table for one, sil vous plait. Preferably far away from that object of impossible geometry with all the people worshiping it.
FRANCOIS looks at the object and his eyes erupt in bloody mess.
FRASIER: I’d prefer a WHITE wine, thank you