Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

It always starts with a Phone call. At the right time and in the right moment.

Progress is a genius when it comes to timing.

“Stevhoe! Stevodadida! Party dey and na Unilag house party”

I couldn’t say No even though I knew there would be trouble somehow

Brethren
Issa thread

I know what you’re thinking. Yes you reading this.

You’re wondering, knowing Progress’ antecedents, How then do I still answer his call to adventure

Brethren, I have concluded it’s juju. That and the fact that being a long time friend, baba knows my weak point

I mean c’mon! Who says no to the lethal enjoyment trifecta that is house party, drinks and maybe mekwe🌚

Especially when moments prior I had been wondering Na so this Xmas weekend go boring?

Tell me, won’t you think his call to be answered prayers to your cry for enjoyment?

To ensure I didn’t change my mind, baba called from the venue.

I heard loud music and some girlish voices as he was shouting “e deey happen baba!” after which a babe took the phone from him and shouted “Progress’ friend! come please, there are more babes than guys”

You say?

Quick as lightening, I dressed up and hailed a taxi.

The god of Enjoyment was calling my name, blood group and even genotype,to which I responded “Here I am, use me!”

I put off all garment of restraint and warning bells telling me not to go like..

Brethren you know me. Before you can say 1,2 buckle whatever shoe you’re wearing, Stevhoe arrived.

Though late (Cos the party had been on a while) which in this case isn’t a good thing, but is, in many other cases, (all my ladies **wink** **wink**) It was ok.

“StevoMG!!!” Progress screamed as he spotted me across the room. He dragged me to one corner, to a lady, who I recognized when she spoke as the voice of the babe who had given me the ratio of boys to girls.

“Steviezzle, meet Lola, the organizer” Progress said, as we shook hands.

After the introduction to Lola, she dragged a lady who was passing at that instant, and said Tinu meet Stephen.

I took her physique in. She wasn’t a sight for sore eyes but Brethren of twitter, I, a self professed boobs man, renounced my allegiance.

What I saw, blood of wow!!

All I can say is the world should revolve around her bumbum. It stood out like it was in its own solar system.

Like a distinct person from the carrier. Like you could have separate convos with it and it’ll respond apart from the owner.

My hands lingered in the handshake biko.

Lola said Tinu was her best friend. And my people at that moment, Progress too was my best friend.

So I figured you know my best friend, let me know your best friend, so that we can all be best of friends

Amem somebody?!!!!

Apparently, Lola and progress where in a thing and the house we were throwing the party belonged to Lola’s uncle, a very strict man, who was away for Christmas.

Lola was serving in Lagos and lived there.

Spited by the way they restricted her she decided, Oya Na!! party time.

And boy did she know babes.

Not just any babes. Most of them were fine, ready to party, and down for whatever. Ok na!

It was lit. It was a party worthy of its name.

I was almost tempted to call my guy Kofo and ask “shey party engineering dey unilag?”

Lola outdid herself.

Sure as hell, after the party, with the way things were going, it would look a mess the next day and would take ages to clean up.

Oh well! That’s a later problem I reckoned.

I was focused with Tinu like see dear, as flavor will say, “ùkwù sarambara n’adímma n’obi”

In time, the Party increased gears. There was even a food fight.

In time, with Tinu, as the alcohol et al settled into our systems, a magnetic field of unlike poles built within us, and slowly we attracted, our bodies coming closer to each other.

Amem again?!!!!

In time, we were entwined in each other, staring at ourselves, saying nothing as the din of the party towered above our silence.

It was nothing and magical at the same time.

I stole a light kiss.

She smiled.

Ah! Issokay!!!

Brethren let me just get another Amem!! Here!

Quiet as we were, Progress barged in on our quiet eye to eye moment like “stevodadida”

I looked at him like bro! If you don’t geddifok!

Leave here you unfortunate cretin

Stevodadi what? 😒

Two things.

He came to give me the key to a room upstairs If I needed to sleep.

Apparently as best friend of best friend’s best friend ( yeah I’m confused too) I had earned room sleeping rights.

And two he said he was going upstairs with Lola to “check something”

Progolosho! Progress!! the checker master. I wondered if that’s what we were calling it now.

From mekwe to check.

Like what are they doing? They’re checking themselves!

Na so!

Anyhoo! As the party progressed, mildly tipsy people had paired up and were either making out or checking themselves in god knows where places.

Tipsy people were watching tv, news to be precise, like wtf!

And drunk people were asleep in various unholy and worrying positions

Worthy of note was the guy who was sleeping upside down. L-shaped. Leg on the wall, back flat on the floor.

After struggling with various positions, his drunken world was only stable in an L; Legend.

I and Tinu went upstairs

Because I am a changed man and I don’t want to spoil some of you, I’ll refrain from writing what went down, upstairs (pun intended)

Ye! Who stone me shoe! Ye!

Alright Ashewos, I’m taking a poll.

Should I write what happened or not...

Because I know most children of the world will pick yes, smh! I’ll tell.

I’m judging y’all.

Brethren! First things first babe put some music on her phone and started twerking

That image hunts me till date. Over 42 bumbums oscillating in brilliant unison from one source

Hei!

Then she put it on me and it was as advertised. No extra coloring or hidden lines in the contract. Everything was as is.

Nothing like typing vconnect.com and you see another page.

Na! Same same my people!

She finished me.

How I remain till today is just grace.

It was a beautiful night, and a morning which if called good, is as close to the truth as anything can be.

She was still asleep when I woke up. I went downstairs and man was it a mess.

Kitchen, sitting room, bathroom, a mess, like something out of an American pie movie

Lola came down too and started waking the ones who had not left to leave. We exchanged our good mornings, and I went back up to cuddle in bed with Tinu. Though I had a mouth full of hair cos of her position, the feel of planet Tinu on me, compensated Abeg

Amem again brethren!

A loud banging on the door woke I and Tinu from what was a sweet sleep.

The banging heightened. As the webs of sleep cleared from my eyes I heard Lola’s voice asking for us to open the door.

What is it again I wondered.

I opened the door

She looked perplexed. Progress looked even worse.

What’s up? I asked.

Well, her Uncle was returning in another hour or even less, and the house was a mess.

Oh! did I mention that she and Progress failed to mention that her uncle was a military man.

I looked from Progress to Lola and back to Progress.

Stepping out of the room, I looked at the entire house.

LOOOOOL.

There’s not a chance in hell we would clean up this dumpster in an hour or less.

I braced myself for what lay ahead

I looked at Progress like finally Na so I go chop beating because of you.

My face heated up at the thought of the impending slap that’ll come when Lola’s uncle gets here.

I could even hear the slap “tawaiiiiii”
I could hear my cry.

Cos military slap? I’m gon cry bro.

I figured there’ll be frog jumps first. Why military people love frog jumps beats me.

I figured whatever punishment there’ll be, we would get two times of it because i mean I’m sure he won’t touch the babes.

I figured I’ll maim Progress if I left there alive.

Why always him?

We got to work, but drained as we were from the night before, alcohol and mekwe residues still in our system, our pace was slow.

Making cleaning the house harder,was the fact that Lola has not replaced the house supplies of detergent et al.

The house was still dirty......

As dirty as I envisaged my nyash would be when the military uncle finished lighting it with vehement strokes of his thin, long, soaked in pepper koboko, as my mind’s eye painted it.

I started mentally practicing my crying face like.....

Progress called me for a two aside and was like “baba! Make we escape. Make we do like we dey go backyard escape”

I looked at him whathefuckerly like baba don’t you have any honor?
He rethought the idea and the smiled.

I know what to do he said.

He went to a corner as the rest of us made futile attempt at cleaning, kept pressing his phone and I saw him making a phone call.

A phone call again?!! Isn’t that what brought us to this point?

Hey God!

Lola announced that we had an extra hour or two as her uncle called that he was delayed in traffic.

Curse Lagos traffic all you will, that day, it was a mega blessing. (Just shout small amem! Here)

5 minutes after Lola’s announcement, there was a honk at the gate, and a knock

Progress walked confidently towards the gate.

Lola ran after him

I’m there looking like what’s this smelling I can be your hero attitude this boy is about now.

After an exchange, they opened the gate, a car drove in.

[insert suspense sound here]

I expected Lola’s uncle to come straight out of the car, and start shooting. I was ready to spread my hands wide, take a bullet and like those in old Nigerian movies, shout “now you have shoot me. Now I’ll die” as the I fall dramatically to the ground.

Adieu Stevhoe?

But no! Out stepped three guys, with all manner of cleaning tools and detergents and what nots.

They went into the house and proceeded to clean the house with gusto.

I was shell shocked. Like wait!

What’s going on here

So here’s the thing. As progress said, he remembered that ONOS our friend had to clean his house the other day and had used a cleaning service which he was impressed at how tidy a job they did and how quickly they had responded as ONOS intimated him.

So??....

He called ONOS who told him he had secured the services from @vconnectnigeria.

He had gone to their website bit.ly/2E2DKC1 found a vendor, called and they responded ASAP and were saving our asses from the long, thin, chubby, flexible koboko(pardon my mind please 😪)

In good enough time, they were done, the cleaning guys left and as we were about to,

A horn; Peepee!

Her uncle was back.

“Come let me hide you guys” Lola said.

Hei sweet Jesus

We crouched behind the generator house, waiting for the uncle to go in.

As he was about to step in,

NEPA took light

Hey Oh my God!

Lola’s uncle wanted to step back out and turn on the gen, when Lola volunteered and managed to convince him she could do it.

Baba stood a safe distance and she turned it on and for some reason the man wanted to keep talking to her outside.

Brethren we were cooking

At a point we decided. If we die, we die. We would make a run for it.

Whoever the man catches or shoots, adieu. Better that way than to be cooked alive.

Once we wanted to make a go for it, he hesistantly followed LoLa inside.

Praiseeee master Jesus!!!!

We ran like our lives depended on it. Flagged a cab and made it home.

That same evening, Progress calls again.

“Stevhoe! Stevolosho! Stevdidindandan. Party dey again o!”

Oh sweet Jesus of Mercy!

Listen to me baba! Listen to me very carefully I said...

“No Stevo Na my church party” he said

Progress! If e like make e be Jesus birthday. I beg you in the name of whoever you serve Cos I doubt say Na God with the things you’ve done to me. Abeg leave me. I no follow you

Stevo no be so! He tried to say. Omo! I ended the call.

If not for @vconnectnigeria’s cleaning services I would have had some lines on my body falling in unpleasant places.

I saw their AD for cleaning services this Christmas and remembered this story

So yes! Guys! In this season of jollification and enjoyment, if you ever need someone else to do your dirty work this Christmas @vconnectnigeria has got you.

Just visit the website here bit.ly/2E2DKC1 and select a vendor.

Thanks for reading and thanks for all your kind messages whenever I write.

Check the next tweet for more hilarious stories to read.

Cheers and compliments of the season

With love,
Uncle Stephen

Want more hilarious stories?

Check my thread of threads here

https://twitter.com/itsunclestephen/status/947807141758369793?s=21