Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

Babies are cute,adorable and have smiles like a thousand brilliant suns lighting up our lives.They’re wonderful.

But ah! Let’s not lie to ourselves, despite, babies and little kids have wahala, sometimes cute and sometimes making you ask Lord why?

Brethren
Issa thread

Some start disturbing right from the womb. They make their mothers crave all sorts of things.

I spent one holiday after schooling at my Pregnant Aunt Maggie’s house.

We all know this is important as a student if you want to ensure a fat wallet when returning to school

At hers, her husband once woke me up at 10:30pm while I was dreaming that I had won a 10 million Naira lottery, citing an emergency which if not solved, no one would know sleep in the house

What was the emergency?

My Aunty wanted to eat spoilt egusi soup

Whilst still trying to clear the webs of sleep from my eyes, I wondered which kind of Evil Forest child my aunty was carrying.

Only an Eze mmuo child can want to make the mother eat spoilt egusi soup. You can imagine the conversation between me and the food seller

Me: Ermm madam you get egusi?

Seller: yes o! We get hot fresh one

Me: (looking around and in the lowest tone possible) You get the one wen don spoil. Eh! Yes! The one wen don spoil well well

Food seller:

The food seller gave me a look of kai! So somebody fit dress normal but e don mad. Eiyaa and Na young fine guy o!

She was already giving her boys a look to round me up and tie me till I explained it was for my pregnant Aunty.

She wasn’t convinced but was like ok na

I got home and madam had changed her mind.

Just a whiff of the food, she was incensed and no longer cared for it.

Now she wanted pizza. It was psg midnight for gossakes.

I cried inside.

I wondered when this fetal dibia within her would show himself truly and make her crave kolanut and schnapps.

I planned to buy it, enter the house with my back, give to my aunty, remove the palm frond I must have trapped between my lips, and shout Eze mmuo o as she eats it.

Sometimes she would want to sniff petrol. At other times, she wanted something outrageous.

The one that broke Stevo’s back was when she requested for male goat meat pepper soup and nzu.

Azzin Nzu, the chalk, native doctors use to draw the all-seeing circle around their eyes

I needed nothing more to convince me. This was a Chinwetalu Agu and Kanayo o Kanayo baby. I packed my things and left pronto.

Or do we talk about the crying?!!!! Hey God!

My Neigbour’s twins cry in shifts. Day shift, night shift.

Either that or they alternate it like a choir, as ones tenor ends, the other’s suprano starts. One day frustrated, their mother added her bass to theirs and they cried together in painful melody

I went back to my aunt’s house when Eze mmuo was born.

Ashewo of a boy.

He’ll cry and wail but once they put breast in his mouth, baby will stop. Remove it baby will start again.

Ah! Lucky boy I thought to myself. See flexing Na.

Oh Junior Snow I said in my mind.

If only he knew that some of us get called baby yet if we like cry from now till tomorrow, they will not even fold paper that they drew breast and put inside our mouth.

Enjoy while you can padawan! Cry them a river and get all the breast sir

One day, my aunt had to make a quick dash to get something Leaving I and baby in the house.

When she left, baby woke up and was wailing.

Baba was even looking at my chest but I was like wey you! Respect yourself

Khaki no be leather. ( me being the leather of course. Haters)

Surprisingly, as I carried him and started singing some gibberish songs, he quieted down, stopped crying, and slept off in my arms, unlike other days when if I carry him baba will be crying as if I used to hide and drink his Cerelac.

I was a legend. Shirt!!!! Men nahmsayin

I had unlocked a new level of daddy.

Like oh you crying ladies come into this arm and find rest.

I wanted to change my name to Stevo D resting place (with a D that is sure to not be silent) when all hell broke loose

Seated there, baby in my arms, not yet confident that I could transfer him to his cot without him waking up, I had a strong urge to urinate.

A river of living water welled up in my bladder.

I wasn’t sure I would be two time lucky in getting him to sleep again if I woke him up.

My bladder was pressing my neck, wanting to kill me, unless I relieved myself.

I tried to move, Eze mmuo stirred.

I stilled.

What grown man couldn’t hold piss?

“Uncle I” my body answered to that question

A still small voice said to me to just pee there and blame the baby, and at the same time I started to feel a heat building within me, singing fiercely, a reminder of where I would be headed if I tried it – hell fire.

My aunty returned in time to save me from eternal damnation

I wondered when this fetal dibia within her would show himself truly and make her crave kolanut and schnapps.

I planned to buy it, enter the house with my back, give to my aunty, remove the palm frond I must have trapped between my lips, and shout Eze mmuo o as she eats it.

How you’ll be jejely discussing with your babe and telling her “oh I’m so gonna screw you tomorrow” only for Eze mmuo to hear it and keep repeating it the entire day.

His speech, thoroughly underdeveloped at that point was my only savior.

Or do we talk about how everything, ends up in their mouth. Phones? Mouth. Dirty shoes? Mouth. Give them food that is supposed to enter mouth? They refuse.

I must confess, I once saw Eze mmuo eating remote so delightfully that I was forced to after retrieving it, try it too

Or do we talk about how everything, ends up in their mouth. Phones? Mouth. Dirty shoes? Mouth. Give them food that is supposed to enter mouth? They refuse.

I must confess, I once saw Eze mmuo eating remote so delightfully that I was forced to after retrieving it, try it too

Y’all know Uncle Stephen cannot carry last. Doesn’t the Bible say something about “out of the mouth of babes”?

Brethren. it is with great pleasure that I inform you that LG remote, not Samsung or even Sony, is sweet I swearigad.

You see, kids can teach us a lot

Kids can make you want to tear your hair out.

Like when they find your wallet and tear your last three thousand naira into pieces and tell you ‘unku see!’ when you come into the room, a smile plastered on their faces like they have doubled your money.

Ah! My chest!

Let’s not mention their shit!

I once changed a cousin’s diaper and I was left wondering is it not only breast milk this one is drinking?

Abi e dey hide eat Afang and pounded yam top am with big stout

This shit isn’t childish. Very grown up something wadahell

But I guess it is this wahala that makes us love them nonetheless; the sheer innocence of it all and a life whose worries is basic and lived without much thinking.

They can be pesky but we love them.

Even when they keep pestering you for something you promised them without thinking, you love them.

Even when they scatter the house and throw your phone inside toilet, we love them

Even when they bring home one wicked quantitative reasoning assignment and want uncle who after staring at it for almost 30 minutes does not understand what is happening to solve it, we love them

But most importantly......

I think we love them because they have what adulthood steals from us; complete innocence and Lack of worries.

Reply this thread with your own experience with kids and let us have a huge laugh

I thought it best to write about babies especially in this season where we’re celebrating the birth of a great one.

Compliments of the season and merry Christmas friends

With love
Uncle Stephen