What the hell do you mean "nobody"? I'm all over that fancy shit. "Did y'all know most scenes are made up of different shots and cut together in some room? It's crazy. Anyway, to present the figurine for best editing and whatnot, here's Meryl Streep and Sinbad."
"Did y'all know every year hundreds of people die? It's crazy. Anyway, now we'll play a sad as hell song and watch a montage of people who died, starting with the least important and workin' our way up from there."
"This next song ain't from any of the movies but I just wanted to hear this shit. Here's Boyz II Men and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singin' I'll Make Love to You."
"Did y'all know they make long-ass cartoons now and they give an Oscar to whoever did the best job at cartoons? It's crazy. Anyway, to tell us who drew the #1 cartoon here's a British lady and Weird Al Yankovic."
"Great to be hosting The Oscars. This year we were treated to shadowy secrets, sinister, horrifying villains and jaw-dropping make-believe. But enough about the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation." Y'all can have that one for free, Oscars.
Yo' momma's so stupid she thought "Manchester by the Sea" was an adapted screenplay.
Now all I can do is wait for @TheAcademy to contact me. I'd show up lookin' pretty. I'd pronounce at least 1/3 of the names right. I was a voice in 'Bebe's Kids'. Seems like a slam dunk and whatnot.
Shout out to all who supported me during this Oscars adventure. The last 9 hours have been a roller coaster. I laughed. I cried. I made sweet love five and a half times. I hope my friend Kevin crushes it. I'd like to thank @TheAcademy and Price Waterhouse and whatnot. 
