Now, here’s another Christmas tale for you - or, rather, perhaps an anti-Christmas tale. Many of us have the dimmest memories of being taught that ‘Cromwell banned Christmas’ as Lord Protector. Well, let me assure you, the real story is much more interesting… THREAD /1 
For those of you asleep in history class, the English Civil War was precipitated by a number of factors, all touching on one source in some regard - Charles I’s belief that as a ‘divinely-anointed’ monarch, he overruled Parliament in his personal dealings home and abroad. /2
This attitude held little water with Parliament, & after a lot of very quite interesting politicking (seriously, read up), Charles I fled London, having failed in moves to quash dissent. In late 1642 he raised his royal standard, placing England in a state of civil war. /3
I’m not going to give you a history of the English Civil War (or wars, there was more than one), but just know that after chasing Charles’ forces around the country for a few years, the King was captured and would later be executed in London, during the cold January of 1649. /4
Way before Charles was executed, however, Parliament was enacting laws dictating how people lived & worshipped. This may be an odd priority for a government at war, but Parliament was full of Puritans - theological descendants of the previous century’s Protestant reformers. /5
Puritans had many beefs with the established Church of England, and even more with the ways in which the English led their lives. They had been pressuring the King for years, & had even won concessions, including regular legislated days of fasting. They wanted to go further. /6
Having shaken off the King, the Puritan-controlled Parliament enacted legislation to close theaters, ban sports and remove any hurdles to what they thought was the smooth path to heaven via hard work, prayer and fasting. The calendar of holidays was their next target. /7
Any religious holiday that the Puritans thought didn’t have a basis in the Bible were scrapped. Chief among these was Christmas, a holiday they thought was just an excuse to get pissed, eat too much and sloth about. Yeah, so they might have had a point, but, well, sod them! /8
Soldiers were posted to ensure that markets were kept open through Christmas, and that tasty treats weren’t being sold. They were also posted near churches, to make sure that nobody was sneaking off for an extra service. This was not a popular move, with the majority of folks. /9
In 1647, people in Canterbury ignored the ‘Directory of Worship’ & took Christmas off from business. When the Parliamentarian mayor tried to get people to get to work & put a bloke in stocks, a riot broke out, leading to a significant insurrection. /10 vaguelyinteresting.co.uk/canterburys-ca…
Canterbury wasn’t the only centre of pro-Christmas rebellion. Violent incidents were reported in Norwich, Bury & London, usually led by young men, who went about town putting up holly and other decorations, & knocking out anyone in their way. I really love that mental image. /11
Once Charles was executed and Cromwell became Lord Protector, legislation against Christmas became more pointed - targeting foods, dancing, mummers and other trappings of the day. Civil disturbances. It seemed Christmas wasn’t going to go out without a fight. /12
The ban on Christmas festivities remained until 1660, when Charles II ascended to the English throne. All of the Puritan legislation was scrapped, and plum pudding, mince pies, sack wine and other treats were back on the menu - there was plenty of catching up to do! /13
It’s important to make clear that it wasn’t Cromwell himself behind the efforts to ban Christmas. While he was a staunch Puritan, it was Parliament who made the laws and it was their significant Puritan leanings that made such moves a possibility. We did it to ourselves! /14
During the Restoration, many of the former Puritans made a formal split with the Church of England and became ‘Dissenters’. Some felt so uncomfortable, they flocked to the colonies in the New World - ironic, considering how Christmas mad their descendants became... /15
For more on the time the Puritans attempted to ban Christmas, this is a good roundup. /16 timetravel-britain.com/articles/chris…
Thanks for reading. Next time someone starts lamenting about a ‘War on Christmas’, remind them that centuries ago, it was the good folk of England themselves who banned the festive day of days - not migrants or rabble-rousing pinkos! /FIN
PS. This famous poster wasn't English - actually, comes from Massachusetts. So, uh, yeah. The Americans were miserable bastards to start with too.
