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John Bull @garius
, 9 tweets, 3 min read Read on Twitter
MAY: What? I'm in Greggs
LIDINGTON <phone>: Chris is on the radio
MAY: Yup. i told him to pretend we give a shit about rail fares
LIDINGTON: He's talking Brexit
MAY: Fuck
LIDINGTON: Apparently he's started a shipping firm?
MAY: FUCK. HOOK HIM
LIDINGTON: HOW?!
MAY: USE THE CURSE!
HAMMOND: What did she say?
LIDINGTON: Use the curse!
GRAYLING: <radio>: No ships but they seem lovely
HAMMOND: Summon a Minister live on air!?! Even Humphrys would spot that!
GRAYLING: Let's talk about Dun...
HAMMOND: GRAYLING GRAYLING GRAYLING
GRAYLING <in person>: ...quack
GRAYLING: Hello!
LIDINGTON: You said invoking him on air was bad!
GRAYLING: I was on the radio
HAMMOND: He was about to mention Operation Dunquack!
LIDINGTON: What?!
GRAYLING: Now I am not
MAY <entering>: The FUCK is going on? What is Dunquack?
HAMMOND: Wait neither of you KNOW?!
MAY: They have no ships Chris
GRAYLING: They're a startup. It's 2.0
HAMMOND: This is ace
MAY: They have no ships Chris
GRAYLING: We're disrupting the shipping paradigm...
MAY: They have no ships Chris
HAMMOND: Here it comes!
GRAYLING: ...Using lots of ducks
MAY: You FUCKING what?
MAY: You plan to ship freight using DUCKS?
GRAYLING: Operation Dunquack! A duck cloud!
MAY: Oh my god
HAMMOND: 48,000 ducks. I signed the PO
GRAYLING: 12,000 now. SOMEONE wouldn't pay for food
HAMMOND: Because SOMEONE doesn't know CapEx from OpEx
GRAYLING: YOU STARVED MY DUCKS
HAMMOND: You asked for cash for 48,000 ducks. That's CapEx. You DIDN'T ask for food money. OpEx.
GRAYLING: They're EATING each other Phil! It's your fault!
HAMMOND: What are you going to do? Send your mob of cannibal ducks after me?
GRAYLING: Actually a group of ducks is a 'raft'
GRAYLING: Miss! Make Phil give me more duck money!
HAMMOND: Why? Your other ducks will only eat them.
MAY: Oh my GOD both of you shut up. David. What are we going to do?
LIDINGTON: Same thing we always do in a crisis
MAY: Blame Gordon Brown?
LIDINGTON: Outsource.
MAY: Who on EARTH is going to say they can build a ferry service, from scratch, by MARCH?!
LIDINGTON:
MAY:
LIDINGTON: We have no choice.
MAY: David don't
LIDINGTON <phone>: Hi we...
CAPITA GUY: heLLO agAIN! 100m. rEAdy bY BreXIT!
LIDINGTON: Ferries this time
CAPITA GUY: whATeVEr!
WOO CAFFEINE! If you like these you can buy me a coffee here: ko-fi.com/garius

Meanwhile the full brexity adventures start WAY back here:

And (scarily) Dunquack actually predates that. Because. Well. Grayling.
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More from @garius see all

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Okay. So you're all going to have to massively ignore me for a second. Because I am about to fanboy the SHIT out.

And it is about an amazing writer who got a stubborn little kid (me) who is now a writer (still me) to read.
So when I was a kid, I used to love TV, particularly scifi and cartoons. Basically anything with a plot.

But I wasn't big on reading. That was meh.

Then my mum introduced me to Doctor Who novelisations at about age nine. And I DEMOLISHED them. But that was ALL I would read
I think I LOVED the stories, but I was still not that fussed about reading. Because it felt like extra effort. I mean, why not just WATCH them if you can instead?

But then my teacher said: "oh you like Doctor Who. Did you know we have Star Trek books in the school library?"
Read 9 tweets
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JAVID: Welcome to COBRA. I'd like to introduce Sgt Gary, our Gold Commander for the current immigration crisis
SGT GARY: Sir. What's the scale of the problem?
JAVID: 9
SGT GARY: Blimey! 900?
JAVID: No, 9
SGT GARY:
JAVID:
SGT GARY: Are you worried they can't field a full eleven?
JAVID: I think we can agree that this is an immigration crisis of unparalleled proportions. Tough action is called for!
SGT GARY: Are we still talking about NINE people?
JAVID: I have a note here that another four have turned up
SGT GARY: Well at least they have a subs bench now
JAVID: This is a threat to our national security
SGT GARY: 13 desperate people in a dinghy?
JAVID: They're in Folkestone! There's a nuclear power station!
SGT GARY: And also a really nice miniature railway. You think they're after that too?
JAVID: Oh no!
SGT GARY: I was JOKING
Read 9 tweets
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I don't think tea sellers are spotting that game streamers are MASSIVE tea drinkers

Because if you're pulling a 6hr sesh on camera you need hydration that:

1) Tastes nice
2) Isn't beer/coffee

I had to send @BirdandBlendTea to Z because it was PAINFUL watching him drink Liptons
@BirdandBlendTea With my Digital Influencer hat on (the weird embarrassing hat I don't like putting on too much) I do wonder if this is an area micro-sponsorship that no one is leveraging here

We get offered games discount codes for followers all the time. Why aren't we offered the same for tea?
@BirdandBlendTea It's CONSTANTLY being seen (and taste-tested) on screen and is cheap to ship samples of.

@itsZdan LITERALLY has a !tea command so you can see what he's drinking (Which I'm totally stealing!)

Micro-sponsorships fascinate me. They're win-win and we don't think creatively enough.
Read 3 tweets

Related threads

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1. It is not conspiratorial to say that both Johnson and Rees-Mogg are front men for a very narrow set of interests. they are relying entirely on the IEA think tank set for ideas - which sees #Brexit only in terms of how their financial backers can advance their interests.
2. I have never heard JRM or Johnson give a detailed and convincing anti-EU speech. They know how to drop in buzzwords and eurosceptic terminology but they have stolen the clothes of anti-EU scholars who used to make up the eurosceptic movement.
3. Very skilfully they have cleaved euroscepticism away from Ukip which has freed itself to concentrating on grunting about Muslims. Most of the founders have either gravitated to the Tory fringes or bowed out completely.
Read 20 tweets
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1/11 It now seems there are only two ways to interpret May’s #Brexit strategy.

The first is the Optimistic assumption that she still thinks (logically if not emotionally) ‘Remain’ was the only rational choice when Leave offered no coherent choice.
2/11 Her long forgotten but excellent speech on why she would vote Remain is still our best guide to that line of thinking. conservativehome.com/parliament/201…
3/11 If so, we can take at face value her apparent aim to manoeuvre towards the softest #Brexit possible.

She will deliver a ‘political’ Brexit but not an ‘economic’ one.

Our loss of political influence is just the (heavy) price we have to pay.
Read 11 tweets
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So the #Brexit folks (@danarohrabacher's friend, Farage, and Wigmore) were doing the exact same thing that the Trump fam and surrounding #MAGAs were doing. Not surprised one bit. No doubt the real story is much worse. (Murdoch owns The Times.)

thetimes.co.uk/article/exclus…
h/t @profcarroll
"Arron Banks, the millionaire businessman who helped fund Brexit, had three meetings with the RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR 🇷🇺 to Britain — raising explosive questions about attempts by Moscow to influence the referendum result."
Read 21 tweets
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1. Ever wondered why these think tanks produce these crappy reports? (thread)
2. It used to the that Think Tanks served the function of informing government. They used to attract some fairly serious people who could make a worthwhile contribution. That is no longer the case. They're just a part of the self-aggrandising Westminster bubble now.
3. Their only objective is to stay in business - and that means keeping the donations rolling in. To do this they have to show they are active and influencing. So they produce a glossy PDF and have a press conference, inviting someone with prestige to host it. Usually an MP.
Read 20 tweets
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1/ A small thread on why BOTH many Remainers & Leavers still havent "got" that #Brexit has already failed...
....even if it goes ahead.
& why its often "media noise" rather than "actual lies" is obscuring this & the fact that Brexit wont happen as we thought it would 2 years ago.
2/ Basic Leave idea pre #Brexit vote was that a prosperous UK with large trade deficit eager to retain many European standards wld not really offer a threat to EU was not completely implausible as many remainers assumed.
But it depended on....
3/ Basic #Brexit idea was to convince EU that with a bit of compromise & British payments UK cld leave single mkt but retain full access to it while it worked out its future. Indeed many sensible Leavers didnt want radical change overnight..however there was one small problem....
Read 16 tweets
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J'ai envie de me laisser tenter :
1 fav = une information en chimie que tu pourras ressortir en soirée.
1️⃣ Le gymnémate de potassium neutralise le goût sucré : mettre un petit tas de sucre sur la langue donne l'impression de manger du sable.
2️⃣ Le bismuth est un des rares éléments qui se dilate en gelant : tel la glace flotte sur l'eau, un morceau de Bi flotte sur son liquide.
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