Thread by @JeffFromNH

They're bringing garlic.
They're bringing limes.
They're guacamole.

And some, I assume, are good avocados. 🥑🥑🥑

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

People are fighting over beige jumpsuits at Walmart.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

People are storming Denny's in search of omelets.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

Oh, the Sean Hannity!

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

Militias are gathering at golf courses across the nation.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

Unruly crowds are gathering in town squares across the country with signs chanting.

'Build the steel slat security fencing!'

'Who is going to pay?'
'We are!!!!'

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

Taco trucks are not to be found. Mariachi bands have been silenced. People are hoarding chalupas from Taco Bell.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

Presidents Day has been canceled due to the national embarrassment.

#NotMyPresident #NotesFromNationalEmergency

I awoke to a bright light burning outside my house. My neighborhood may be on fire. Pray for us!

Oh wait, it's just a sunny day.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

A car just drove by. Are we under evacuation yet? I'm afraid to leave my bunker.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

My dog may have been killed by MS-13 gang members while I slept. No blood, but he's not moving. Could be chemical weapons.

Oh wait, he's just sleeping. He looks scared, though.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

Who's going to pay for the wall?

If you have to ask, it's probably you. Unless you are Mexico.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

This ain't no party,
this ain't no disco,
this ain't no fooling around
no time for dancing,
or lovey dovey,
I ain't got time for that now

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

I love the smell of @realDonaldTrump's panic in the morning.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

I went to my bank and it was closed. And the stock market is closed, too!

Are we in a financial crisis?

Update: I'm told they are always closed on Sunday.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

I'm going to close my accounts and hide my money under my mattress. I'm not saying which mattress.

Don't hide cash in the freezer, though! That's the first place a Mexican drug lord would look.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

It's going to snow tomorrow. Forget the wall, I'd really like a roof. Shoveling sucks.

Build the roof! Build the roof!

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

Just heard on the radio.

"This is a test. This station is conducting a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test."

Apparently they didn't get the memo.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

On the bright side, if I am killed by illegal immigrants, I won't need to pay my cable bill.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

I've learned enough Spanish to say this to my captors.

Trump es un pendejo. ¿Tengo razón?

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

I just put sugar in the tank of my car. So when illegal immigrants try to steal it, the joke will be on them.

It just occurred to me that I didn't think this one all the way through.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray The Lord, my soul to keep

If I should die before I wake
I pray The Lord, don't build the stupid wall.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

I just asked my magic 8-Ball if we will survive the national emergency.

The answer is not good. I'll keep trying.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

I read that in an emergency, you can drink your own pee.

I'm chugging water by the gallon, just in case.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

Do we still need to file our taxes if we're in a national emergency?

Asking for a friend.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

So now that it's America First, can we forget all that "women and children first" stuff in an emergency?

#NotesFromNationalEmergency
#AmericaFirst

I noticed many people attending churches today. Are they preparing to overthrow the government?

I'm not saying that they are, but they are a secretive bunch. And the bells could be a signal.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

Sugar was rationed during WWII. Imagine life without sugar.

Not me, man. I bought a pallet load of sugar.

Brown sugar, just to piss off Trump.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, is it a national emergency?

Remember, the bar on national emergencies is pretty low these days

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

I listened to Pink Floyd's "The Wall" today.

To be honest, it doesn't help Trump’s case.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

If I were president, every Monday would be a national emergency.

Tell you why? I don't like Mondays.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

I'm hiding in Honduras
I'm a desperate man

Send lawyers, guns, and money

The shit has hit the fan

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

Day 4 of the national emergency. I'm considering building a big, beautiful wall around my house.

Walls work, I'm told. Unfortunately the wall will cost more than my house.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

I heard 'Oye Como Va' on the radio today. It's happening.

If you hear 'La Bamba', lock your doors and head to your safe room.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency

It's a good idea to stock your national emergency bunker with beans.

It's a better idea to stock up on @beano, too.

#NotesFromNationalEmergency