Thread by @visakanv

I think one of the most difficult truths I have to admit to myself is – that despite all my writing and journaling, most of my introspection still mostly circles around my blind spots, which involve deep-rooted fear, anxiety trauma, ugh fields. And I've gotten very good at this

the analogy that's coming to mind is musical practice, or maybe strength training. most meaningful practice can only happen outside your comfort zone, at the edge of your ability – you need to focus hard on what you cannot yet do, and learn to do that. I don't do that very much

The truth I avoid is that I'm still fundamentally conflict-avoidant in some ways. Yeah, I can get into clever-sounding arguments with people, but that's... ornamentation. I still hesitate to admit weakness, failure, uncertainty. I'm still not very good at advocating for myself

More precisely, I'm so averse to advocating for myself that I'm actually amusingly bad at even properly discerning my own desires, especially when they seem like they *might* come into conflict with what I *imagine* and *assume* other people want. This is some old legacy bullshit

one of the ways that I've repeatedly upset people I'm close to + care about is – "I care about you so much that I don't want to upset you and so I avoid telling you upsetting things – I avoid even thinking about those upsetting things, because upsetting thoughts are upsetting"

buried in here are all sorts of outdated legacy assumptions about what "upsetting" even means, and how people respond to being told upsetting things, and what truly upsets people. So it's a kind of fearful solipsism, which is selfish, really. It's really about protecting myself

Ugh fields

lesswrong.com/posts/EFQ3F6km…

And, you know, at a meta level, talking about this stuff always provides a sense of relief for talking about it, but talking about it is not a substitute for addressing it. Gunning the engine while you're up on blocks. Displacement behavior

thelastpsychiatrist.com/2012/06/amy_sc…

so I have this narrative where I'm this good guy who's trying to avoid upsetting people, but the way in which I do that upsets people, and in 28 years I still haven't quite figured out how to square that circle. I think it has to be confronted head on, which is quite painful

Even now, just tweeting all of the above, I can feel myself getting a little sick. My stomach is contorting, I feel some acid at the back of my throat. The muscles in my shoulders and face are tense. It physically hurts to pursue this inquiry

https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/981819020386054144

But I'm going to persist. Writing is supposed to move you, it's playing with symbols that play with your neurology that play with your biology. I am going to work through the discomfort & break out of this psychosomatic prison. Everything has been prep for this, this is the point