Thread by @alexscordelis

I staffed on the next season of "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee." My packet was descriptions of cars. Room is in the Hamptons.

Just got to the room. There is a framed photo of a 1973 Porsche 911 Carrera on the wall and multiple Lavazza espresso machines.

Day 2 in the room. Met the other writers. They're all luxury-car mechanics plus one writing team who worked on "Suddenly Susan."

Day 3: I pitched that Jerry should say, "This isn't your dad's Porsche" when talking about a new Porsche. Showrunner (who is also a barista) said, "Do better. We're not on Crackle anymore."

Day 4: We pitched potential guests. Writers came up with a diverse list of comedians. Showrunner drew a big X through the list and wrote: ALEC BALDWIN.

Day 5: Jerry might stop by the room. Things we were told are OK to talk about: Porsches, the Mets. Not OK: Bee Movie, Shoshanna, or saying "Hello Jerry" in a Newman voice.

Day 6: I was told to write on set today. So I go to set and they're just shooting b-roll of coffee being poured into mugs in slo-mo.

Day 7: Jerry's in the room. He said to the writers, "Raise your hand if you haven't read Steve Martin's 'Born Standing Up' multiple times. Now walk to your car and drive home because you're fired."

Day 8: Today's writing assignment for the room: List 100 ways that a 1978 Rolls-Royce convertible is similar to Pete Holmes.

Day 9: Producers brought a barista into the room today. We insulted her for 2 hours. Writers' assistant took notes. Jerry will use the best putdowns in future episodes.

Day 10: A producer just rushed into the room and said, "We booked a huge guest for the season premiere: we're going to exhume George Carlin's skeleton."

Day 11: Room's been stuck for a week breaking story on the Pete Holmes episode. What can these two talk about? All we can think of is pros and cons of using a mic stand.

Day 12: The Carpool Karaoke writers sent us a car-shaped cake that said, "Congrats on Your Emmy Nom!" We gave a nibble to a mouse in the room. It instantly died. They were trying to poison/murder us.

Day 13: Just wanted to say that I take the Hampton Jitney to work every day. The commute is 8-and-a-half hours round trip.

Day 14: Unprompted, Jerry just gave a 50-minute speech to the room on "why Seinfeld will always be funnier than Veep." Later, I pitched that Jerry and Pete Holmes should steal a car. He was not amused.

Day 15: The "Comedians in Cars" room is in East Hampton, 3,000 miles from the nearest Mendocino Farms location, yet somehow that's what we have for lunch every day.

Had to go into the room and work over the weekend. Jerry asked for 100 alts for my line that Ricky Gervais' success is "more surprising than a TJ Miller bomb threat."

Forgot to say it is Day 16. I'm losing track of time from drinking so much Lavazza espresso.

Day 17: 1st table read is today. Netflix execs are in from LA, Lavazza execs are here from Milan. Tension is palpable. Jerry glared at us and said, "If anyone mispronounces 'Maniscalco' you're dead."

Day 18: I wrote some dialogue this morning.
JS (on phone): Pete Holmes? It's Jerry Seinfeld.
PH: Jerry!
JS: Can I interest you in a cup of coffee?
PH: I would LOVE coffee.
Jerry looked at my script and said, "Perfect."

Day 19: Producers are casting extras today. Main job requirement: eat in a diner and don't look at Steve Martin and Jerry Seinfeld having coffee.

Day 20: Jerry said, "You're all voting for Nagy, right?" One of the writers said, "Uh, we're not a guild show." Jerry fired him on the spot.

Day 21: Producers booked Joe Rogan, but Jerry walked off set when Rogan asked him where he was when Jeffrey Epstein died.

Day 22: Last week one of the producers pitched, "What if we do Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee as a podcast?" That producer hasn't been seen in 8 days, "missing person" posters are up all over the Hamptons.

Day 23: Showrunner personally pressed "stop record" when Jerry and Dave Attell started a 40-minute riff on the trans community. When they wrapped it up, showrunner said, "Great. We got it. Let's move on."

Day 24: Today Jerry's driving Dane Cook in a '59 Eldorado. I pitched that Jerry should point at the tailfins and say, "This car has more tips than Gary Gulman." He said, "You're on thin ice."

Day 25: I pitched the line, "This coffee is better than getting waved over to the couch by Johnny."

Jerry looked at me and said, "Alts like that are why I hired you."

Day 26: Jerry’s letting us write from home for the holiday but asked us to come up with 100 alts on “why Marty Short is the best dinner-party guest.”

Day 27: The room has fantasy football league and our draft is today. Jerry's team name is Justice 4 Louis??

... has *a* fantasy football league

Sorry about the typo, Jerry was sharing his favorite Elayne Boosler jokes and I got distracted.

Day 28: Jerry told the room the story about the time he and Ted Sarandos fought over the check at Bestia, and the writers had to fake laugh like we were hearing it for the first time.

Day 29: Shocked it took 29 days, but Jerry finally said to the room, "What's the deal with dry-erase boards?"

Day 30: We got a network note today: "When the guest is a woman, try and make it seem like she's not being taken hostage."

Day 31: I've been reading a lot of "Comedians in Cars" specs. Just a reminder that this is our 3-act structure:

Act 1: Compare comedian to car
Act 2: Drive with comedian
Act 3: Drink coffee

Day 32: The "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" writers want to get matching tattoos. Should we get:

Day 33: today Jerry wrote on the white board:

Always
Be
Triggering

Day 34: The writers assistant whispered to me, “How is playing baseball with Matthew Broderick considered getting coffee with a comedian?”

Jerry barged into the room and said, “Google my net worth! I can do what I want!” and stormed out.

PS - the writers room ignored the poll results and got matching RIP Mitzi Shore tattoos.

Day 35: Jerry asked me, “Do you own more classic cars or sports cars?”

I said, “No car. I take the bus.”

He did a 10-second spit take, spraying Lavazza espresso all over the writers room.

Day 36: Ricky Gervais is taping today.

I pitched Jerry the line, "You believe in no god, I believe in two gods: cars and coffee."

Jerry smiled and said, "Yes, yes, yes. So good."

Day 37: Jerry said, "I hired a new writer. His views may seem outdated to you, but make him feel welcome."

I thought it was going to be Shane Gillis, but who walks into the room? A 91-year-old Jackie Mason.

Day 38: The writers voted to replace the LaCroix in the fridge with Spindrift.

Jerry said, "What about a bit that goes, 'Men are like Spindrift, women are like LaCroix.' Is someone writing this down?"

Day 39: On set. I asked the sound guy, “What do you hear Jerry and his guests talking about on the mics in between takes?”
He said, “Nanette.”
I said, “Really?”
He said, “No.”

Day 40: In a production meeting.
Producer 1: "We have one episode left to book. What about Carol Burnett?"
Producer 2: "Did you know Jeremy Piven does stand-up?"
Producer 1: "Even better. Book Piven."

Day 41: The writers went to the Netflix Emmys party last night. We saw Jerry talking to Ted Sarandos and went up to say hi.

Jerry said to Ted, “I have no idea who these people are,” and had us thrown out.

Back in the room. Jerry is pretending like this didn't happen last night.

Day 42: We're shooting an episode today where Jerry is driving around a stack of his favorite Cosby albums buckled into a 1974 Citroën.

Day 43: Jerry told the room, "To be a truly funny comedian, you need to have a net worth of more than $130 million. Jay, Kevin Hart, Ray Romano, me, Ellen ... we've got the goods."

Day 44: Jerry: "It feels like we're running out of ideas."
*20 minutes of silence*
Me: "What if you took Kevin Nealon to Coffee Bean in a '92 Mazda Miata?"
Jerry: "Grab a camera. Let's go."

Day 45: There’s a writers room retreat this weekend at Jerry’s Hamptons estate. We have to be blindfolded on the drive there, and the password to gain entrance is “Fidelio.”

(I am lost in Jerry’s Hamptons estate. Went to find a bathroom, haven’t seen anyone for 15 hours, can’t find my way back to the living room. Send help.)

(Been lost for 18 hours. Just stumbled upon a room that’s an exact replica of the ‘86 Mets clubhouse. There’s an animatronic Lenny Dykstra.)

(Still lost. Found myself in the basement. Steve Hytner, the actor who played Bania, was chained to a wall.

He said, “Foolish is the man who thinks he can escape Jerry’s Hamptons mansion alive.” Then he died!)

(Found a room with thousands of unopened “Bee Movie” DVDs. I’m setting them on fire, trying to send smoke signals for help.)

(Been lost for 39 hours. Slept in a room that’s a replica of Jerry’s apartment from “Seinfeld.” Or I might be hallucinating from lack of food/water.)

(Just walked into a room where a woman was sitting by a fireplace. It was Ghislaine Maxwell wearing Jerry's puffy shirt.

I said, "Are you..."
She said, "You never saw me," then disappeared into a trap door.

Save me from this house of horrors.)

(Been lost in this mansion for 51 hours. Just found Jerry's cache of microphones, mic stands and mic cables. Going to use a mic cable to rappel out of a window. I might not make it. Pray for me.)

(I successfully rappelled four stories. Hot-wired a Porsche 911 in the driveway. Pulling over for a Lavazza espresso asap before heading back to Manhattan.)

Day 46: Pushed the stolen Porsche into the Hudson River. Took the Hampton Jitney back to work. Jerry said, "Great job at the retreat." He didn't notice I'd been missing for 51 hours.

Day 47: Two weeks left on my contract. Can't wait to get my wrap gift. Last season, Jerry gave each writer a '77 Alfa Romeo and a vial of Rodney Dangerfield's neck sweat.

Day 48: A writer got busted for plagiarizing jokes from that Twitter account that pretends to be Bill Murray.

Jerry said, "I once fired a 'Seinfeld' writer for stealing jokes. 25 years later, he's still cleaning the toilets at Zabar's."

Yikes.

Day 49: Netflix just announced the first batch of new Comedians in Cars episodes!! 

The guests are: Pat Sajak, the Joker, Wee Man, John Mayer, the Jerky Boys, George Carlin's skeleton and Alec Baldwin. Get excited.

Day 50: In the office men’s room, someone scrawled on the bathroom wall with a Sharpie, “Jay never touched his Tonight Show money!!”

Must’ve been Jerry.

(Just caught Jerry Googling "jay leno net worth 2019." It was definitely him.)

Day #51: Last week in the room. One of the writers said, “I saw the Three Stooges’ bones just sold at Sotheby’s. I bet Jerry bought them and he’ll give each of us a bone as a wrap gift.” Wow.

Day 52: Jerry’s in a panic. “George W. Bush was scheduled to be our season-finale guest,” he said. “We were gonna drive a tank to the Sunset Junction Intelligentsia. What do we do now?”

Day 53: One of the writers asked Jerry, “Is this show like your day-to-day life?”

Jerry said, “If this show was like my real life, it’d be called: Comedians on Private Jets Going to Vacation on Private Islands.”

Day 54: Jeff Ross is taping with Jerry at the Friar's Club today. I said, "Why don't you drive an old mail truck, because he's the roastmaster general?"

Jerry said, "Uh, we're gonna drive a $4 million Bugatti. What's a mail truck?"

Jeff Ross is running late. Jerry's waiting in the $4 million Bugatti. He turned to me and said, "Wanna take it for a spin around the block with me? You take the wheel." 

Pinch me, I'm dreaming.

oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no

I accidentally stepped on the gas too hard and plowed through the front of the Friar's Club. I destroyed the entire club.

I saw Lisa Lampanelli and Larry King and Bob Saget (who I guess were having lunch together?) running for their lives.

Jerry wasn't wearing a seatbelt and he flew through the windshield, but he bounced off Jeff Garlin and Gilbert Gottfried (both were also lunching), so he's ok.

OH NOOOOOO 

I just put the car in reverse and hit Jeff Ross

AAAAHHHH

I got out to see if Jeff Ross is ok and he cried in agony, "My legs are broken!" 

Then he saw me and said, "You look like if someone with no thumbs tried to draw Ray Romano from memory."

(it's funny if you know what I look like)

Jerry screamed at me, "You imbecile. You're dumber than Warren Littlefield agreeing to pay the cast of 'Friends' $1 million per episode. You're FIRED."

(Not as good as Jeff Ross's zinger, but I kept that to myself.)

I said, "What about my wrap gift? Do I still get my wrap gift?"

Then Larry Thomas, the guy who played the Soup Nazi, comes out of nowhere and says, "No wrap gift for you!"

So it looks like my time writing on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee has come to an end. #WGAstaffingboost

(btw, just found out what the wrap gift was: Jerry gave every writer a '72 Aston Martin and one of Portia and Ellen's beachfront homes in Montecito. Damn.)