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I haven’t written anything long form for a while, but maybe I should write about how men take advantage of other men in our industry.
We don’t talk about it because a lot of men are raised to be tough and not show weakness. So there are people out there who hold a strategic position around exploiting this. They fuck you over and you take it quietly.
The thread with @zebulgar reminded me of this. I have personally witnessed this behavior and I feel like an enabler because I promise founders that I won’t say thing. They beg me not to.
The reason is 1) job security - if someone in power can do this to you and you out them, it is perceived you won’t be able to work again 2) being able to be taken advantage of is a sign of weakness, one that they can’t have anyone see because of #1.
This is why some founders kill themselves. I know because I’ve now had two of my portfolio founders die. Both were afraid of being weak and having failed. Both told me so and it haunts me.
It is appalling that some VCs sole strategy is preying on people that have great ideas and they think are “beta”. Some even go so far as to take credit for things they had absolutely nothing to do with.
Yet, like @zebulgar, I can’t say anything because I promised my founders I would not. I can’t break that promise. So I sit and wait. I don’t want these founders worst fears becoming reality for them.
But I hope these VCs burn. The ones I know about, I do everything I can to stay out of business with them. There are angels in this category too. I hope they burn.
Once @reidhoffman told me the magic behind a LinkedIn testimony was not in what was said, but rather what wasn’t said. When doing a reference check on someone you are about to spend years with, look for the unsaid things.
I may not respond to my emails quick enough, but I go to bed happy at night because I know I’ve treated people well and I’ve done my very best that I can do. Sometimes my best isn’t enough, but I have not actively tried to fuck someone over ever.
It’s not just VCs btw, I’ve seen co-founders do it to each other. People who were once friends suddenly competing with one another and then abusing this dynamic to silence the other.
We don’t point out that men can be victims and often are more victimized than you can imagine. We live in a world where now this sort of thing is even more taboo to talk about because we’ve piled on more guilt for men.
I can’t imagine what it is like to be a man in this day and age, but I imagine it is challenging.
Think about it. Be tough, don’t show weakness, but also don’t be toxic. Having your whole gender defined by such horrible words as “toxic”. Hold the door open, don’t hold the door open, help with bags, don’t help with bags, it’s ok to cry, don’t fucking cry, wear pink
Don’t wear pink. As a matter of fact, just wear grey and browns. Don’t express yourself. Be stoic! No? Be in touch with your emotions. Don’t get angry. Hustle! Don’t be attracted to anyone. Don’t look at anyone.
The list goes on and on, but they can’t complain because they are “privileged”. Or they will be seen as, you guessed it - weak. So again, men stay quiet or they try to do what they think is right and often get chastised for the effort.
I don’t know about you, but I would feel isolated and pretty damn angry. Who cares, people will say. Well, I care. There’s actually very few of these men, but they exist. Power dynamics exist for them too.
Anyway. Done ranting for now. If you are a man who was harmed by another man, you can always feel safe to tell me. I will keep your secrets. You don’t have to tell me who, but just know there are people who see what happens. Don’t suffer alone.
And by very few, I mean the men who abuse these relationships. The amount of men abused is pretty vast. The numbers are staggering.
And I know there are so many of you even afraid to like what I wrote. I know you are scared and guess what, that’s ok. Just try not to be alone on everything and try to confide in someone. Remember that trusting someone and their word isn’t a weakness.
