Thread by @fmarciuliano

This is the story of how my neighbor spent almost two years trying to convince both my apartment building board and myself that I’m a smoker (I’m not) and so must be evicted… #WednesdayThoughts #WednesdayWisdom

It starts at the beginning on 2018 when an apartment neighbor (three flights up) called me out of the blue and asked without introduction, “Excuse me, but do you smoke?” At first I thought this was either the most passive or most aggressive way to bum a cigarette…

I told him “I don’t smoke” and so the phone conversation followed…
Him: Does anyone in your apartment smoke?
Me: No.
Him: Do you smoke non-cigarette cigarettes?
Me: Do you mean vape or weed?
Him: Second one.
Me: Neither.
Him: Are you sure?

A few days later I bumped into him in the hall and realized he didn’t believe me…
Him: I still smell smoke. Are you sure you don’t smoke?
Me: I told you, I don’t. And we’re three floors apart. Did you ask the people between us?
Him: Oh, I know them. They’re good people.

A week later a security guard came by and asked if I smoke.
Me: I don’t smoke. Did my neighbor send you?
Guard: I can’t report that.
Me: Are you checking any other apartments?
Guard: No.
Me: Really, was it my upstairs neighbor?
Guard (Shaking head “Yes”): I can’t say.

Then for the next several months, every other week or so, another guard came by to check if cigarette smoke was coming from my place. They would find out the complaint was false and write it up. Eventually I got to know every guard in my building by name…

And so after numerous reports stating I did not smoke I received an email from my co-op board stating my neighbor had filed an official report that I’m a heavy smoker and should be kicked out…

In short, despite bring wrong every time, he figured that since he kept sending someone to my place it could only be because I DO smoke. It’s as if someone kept calling a car a duck and then said, “Well, if I called it a duck that many times it MUST be a duck!”

I called my co-op board and said I am definitely not a smoker. Then just to double-check I asked who filed the complaint to have me evicted.
Co-Op Board Manager: Oh, he’d rather you didn’t know because he doesn’t want to cause any problems or hard feelings.

Me: It was my upstairs neighbor, wasn’t it.
Co-Op Board Manager: Yes it was.
Me: You know, I think he may be nuts.
Co-Op Board Manager: Oh, God, you don’t know the half of it.
Me: Then why is getting away with this?
Co-Op Board Manager: Because he’s a head of the co-op board.

So the co-op board overturned my neighbor’s eviction request, stating I am not a smoker. And I thought all was well and done until one day while I was away my girlfriend, hearing some heavy breathing, opened the door only to see him on the floor outside sniffing.

He quickly ran to the elevator and waved nervously, swearing profusely. She closed the door and immediately there was a knock. She opened it.
Neighbor: Is someone smoking in this apartment?

GF: No one smokes in this apartment.
Him: Do you smoke?
GF: I just said, NO ONE smokes here.
Him: But I smell smoke!
GF: Okay, you have to leave.
Him (Leaning way into the apartment, pushing GF aside): Can I come in and see where the smoke is coming from?
GF: GET OUT.

Girlfriend calls me to relay what happened.
Me: Okay, I gotta call the co-op board.
GF: No, I gotta shove my foot so far up his white ass that when he opens his mouth it reads “Nike.”
Me: Let’s call that “Plan B.”
GF: No, let’s call that whatever comes BEFORE “Plan A.”

Not wanting my GF to lose a sneaker in someone’s rectal cavity I call the co-op board again. That's when I find out the week before he had asked for a guard to be placed outside my door at all times to smell for cigarette smoke because he can’t do it himself every day.

A few days later I get in my the elevator. It's crowded. Then my upstairs neighbor gets on. It’s like the scene in “Winter Soldier” but only if a Hydra agent had leaned over and deeply sniffed Cap’s clothes.

This will be the first of many times he will try to smell me in public.

GF: He tried to SMELL you?!
Me: Yes.
GF: Tell me you punched him.
Me: What? No. Besides, he’s like 60.
GF: Tell me you swept the leg.

I tell the board. They issue my neighbor a warning to leave me alone. He says he will so long as I stop smoking. They tell him I don’t smoke. He says I’m fooling them by bathing regularly.

So I go to the co-op board again. They say they will send a “Professional Sniffer.” Board members will be present. Someone will take notes. I am now imaging HAZMAT suits, feds, zipped-up plastic wall dividers, and my cats wondering if E.T. is dying in our apartment.

The day of the inspection I go to the park to clear my head. A man walks right past with a cigarette, blowing smoke all over me. I think, “Well, I have until noon to flay my epidermis.”

Within three seconds of entering inspector says, “I can already tell a smoker doesn’t live here.” He tells my neighbor the case is closed.

Later I see my neighbor at the subway stop. He gives me a mean look. Then he waves frantically while smiling. Then he walks off in disgust.

It’s been a little while since it ended. Twice I’ve bumped into the neighbor. Both times he exclaimed, “I’m wearing the wrong flip-flops!” and ran off.

I could use a drink. Or a smoke.