Thread by @SoozUK

THREAD: Who would like a thread about a show snappily titled Las Vegas Cabaret I did at a local theatre in 2008? RIGHT.

Las Vegas Cabaret was a concept a man called Ken who worked the till at a local petrol station came up with. He'd be Sinatra, his friend would be Elvis, I'd be Streisand and a girl I was at school with would be: another singer. Not a tribute. Just: random singer.

There was aslo a third girl who was about 17, didn't seem to like singing and looked terrified from start to finish. But she sure was there on that stage.

PS I know that after Ayia Napa it sounds like I was working as a tribute act at this time. I wasn’t, he just decided I’d be Streisand who as we all remember frequently shared a stage with Sinatra and Elvis.

We rehearsed every Wednesday for 2 MONTHS leading up to our 2-night run of Las Vegas Cabaret. Rehearsals were: Ken doing his opening act over and over again: a 15-minute standup set in his Croydon accent. I kept telling him some of the jokes were racist and he'd flip out at me.

Everything made Ken flip out actually. Me being unable to make a couple of his 734823463 rehearsals coz I got a fortnight's stint on a cruise ship made him lose his MIND. I offered to drop out completely and he said “DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!”

But I had thought about it loads.

I didn’t feel I could quit the show because Ken ran the local petrol station and I didn’t want to never be able to use the petrol station again coz of awkwardness with an old racist so instead I just used to scowl at him loads because that wasn’t awkward at all.

This makes me a racism enabler I guess and I'm sorry about that but I promise I told him "KEN THAT'S RACIST WHAT ARE YOU DOING" at least 3 times per rehearsal.

He wanted us three girls to dress like Gentlemen Prefer Blondes Marilyn and got us pink polyester nightmares from a sex shop. One spark and we’d all have gone up in flames.

Here I am in mine before it stuck to me because wearing a bin bag would have been more breathable. After one night of pretty light sweating they all stunk of urine. Bypassed BO, went straight to urine.

On opening night we could all hear Ken doing his standup routine to a silent crowd over the speaker in the dressing room. Ken came back afterwards and went “they loved it, fuck off Sooz” and I went “hahaha look at you, old man”. The atmosphere was amazing.

PS My mum and her friend Debbie still consider this the best night out they've ever had, they still talk about it 11 years later when they've had some wine. They cried with laughter on the night in excruciation. Here is their favourite bit to scream about:

In act 2 Ken as Sinatra did his big number. It was Chicago That Toddlin' Town in a suit. But he'd cut out the back of the suit and halfway through turned round to reveal he was wearing a bra and lacy knickers. My mum and her friend started screaming when this happened.

After the show on the second night I went out with my then-boyfriend for a curry and at one point in the meal he said “are you ever going to calm down?” because I was ranting so much.

We are no longer together.

Here is a great picture of the girl I'd been at school with and over her shoulder you can see the Elvis (who doubled as Dean Martin, natch) reacting live to Ken's standup routine on the monitor above his head.

Here I am in my act 2 outfit summing up my time in Las Vegas Cabaret perfectly.

Ken had the whole thing filmed (I'm afraid I don't have access to the footage) and had a promo made because he'd pitched it as the Christmas entertainment to a 2nd division football club and they'd pencilled it but asked to see a video.

Weeks later I got petrol and Ken said "that football club can go fuck 'emselves". I said "oh right why's that?" and he said "sent the video, they cancelled the event coz they said they didn't want it now they'd seen the video. I said 'DON'T CALL ME AGAIN' and hung up!".

Las Vegas Cabaret still has lots of availability remaining if anyone wants Christmas entertainment.

Following posting this thread I had a dream where it was me in Gentlemen prefer blondes sharing a stage with the Marx brothers and this was the act:
Chico: “I identify as Italian!"
Harpo: HONK
Me: "I identify as Marilyn"
Groucho: (picks up cube of wood) “And life is short!”